OMG WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! No… no wait… maybe not. (Part 2)

Part 2: The meltdown.

I brought up every point of resistance I could think of and in my panic I wasn’t actually hearing a lot of what Holden said. No matter what he said, all I could hear was “I want to have other partners. I want you to have other partners. I want to share sexual experiences with more than just us.” And in my mind this turned into “I want to have other relationships, date other women besides you. I want to have you here as my wife, steady and dependable and loving, while I go out at night with other women and spend our money on dates and hotel rooms and stuff.” I struggled with the idea of commitment. “Why did you even marry me if you wanted to have other relationships? You KNEW I wanted monogamy. Why didn’t you tell me about this BEFORE we got married?” I felt offended that after all I had sacrificed and how much I fought with my family over our relationship that he wanted to reduce my relationship with him to “one of many.” “What do you MEAN you love your friends much the same way you love me?! What, so that makes me little more than your friend?! I’m your WIFE!!!”

I worked myself into such a frenzy that I took a couple of days off work. Having the time to calm down a bit, I thought long and hard about what this could possibly mean to our marriage and worked out a few scenarios. I had a million questions. How big a part of his personality was this? Couldn’t he just feel that way but choose not to act on it? What was so wrong with just being friends with these people? If it did turn out to be something so ingrained in his psyche, could I expect him to stay monogamous? If I asked him to, he probably would, but would he resent me in a few years? We’ve always talked about these kinds of things up front, holding nothing back, even knowing it might hurt. But if he felt like he couldn’t talk to me and get my permission would he take it “underground” and cheat on me behind my back? What would life be like if I DID agree to let him take other lovers? Would he want to spend time with them when he’s normally spending time with me? Would he be there for me as dependably as he has always been? If I’m in an accident, will I know how to contact him for help, and would he come to help me? Who would these other women be? How could I know he was being safe? Would I have to require that he get a new STD test after every encounter with another woman? I’d want him to. Even if they’re women I know, you don’t always know what they’re carrying. Could I trust him to use a condom? A dental dam? A female condom? EVERY TIME??? And what happens when we have kids?! *twitch* *twitch* *BOOM* (My head asplode.)

I started writing down my options as I saw them at that point:

Option 1: I could take a hardline approach, put my foot down, and say he has to honor the original agreement. Absolutely nothing extramarital allowed. I would have to assert the ultimatum that he’d lose me entirely if he did have an affair – and I’d have to be willing to stand by that. Even after we’ve had children. All the while I was contemplating this option, I was asking myself, “Could I really be considering ending my marriage?”

Option 2: I could take a hardline approach to safety. Lay down ground rules that would give me control over the whole situation. I mean every aspect. Here would be the rules:

1. Sexual encounters he has with other women would happen in my house while I am present in another room.
2. He and his partner must provide results of an HIV/AIDS/STD test to me in person. The female participant must also show me proof of continued use of birth control pills or other chemical contraception.
3. A female condom must be used for all penetration.
4. A dental dam must be used for all cunnilingus.
5. A male condom must be used for fellatio.
6. He is only allowed to orgasm into a condom – nowhere else.
7. She will be required to take the morning after pill under my supervision.
8. They will be responsible for washing all bed linens and remaking the bed to exactly as it was before the encounter.

Oh who am I kidding? There’s no way that would possibly work. Wait… ah, sabotage!!!

No. Well… no.

I CAN’T BELIEVE I CAN EVEN BE CONSIDERING “GRANTING PERMISSION” FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS!!! Any other woman would kick him to the curb!

Neither Option 1 nor Option 2 were really viable options.

I came up with a third option when I started thinking that things don’t necessarily have to be so absolute. I started to consider a temporary separation. Let him understand how serious I am and how much he stands to lose. Let him weigh the options and make his decision. Let him suffer a little the way he’s making me suffer right now. I have no intention of being a doormat. He’s going to have to understand that this could end us once and for all.

What would happen if we were temporarily separated? Would I give him a free pass to go “get it out of his sytem?” Would I set a time frame for it or just say “come back when you’re ready to be married?” And actually I would probably be the one leaving because he would have to stay at his job.

The timing of all this drama was especially bad because we had been planning a trip to see all our friends over the weekend. Great, now not only would I have to suck it up and put on a brave face, but I’d also be analyzing every move, every look, every giggle exchanged between Holden and our female friends.

Stay tuned for part 3: the trip to the city.