Ethical Slut Post #6: The Monogamy Myths: Myth #5

Myth #5: Outside involvements reduce intimacy in the primary relationship and impede problem solving.

I need to quote extensively from the book on this one because the authors describe exactly what happened to me. They say:

“Most marriage counselors are taught that when a member of an otherwise happily married couple has an ‘affair,’ this must be a symptom of unresolved conflict or unfulfilled needs that should be dealt with in the primary relationship.”

That is exactly what I went through when Holden cheated on me. We weren’t married yet, but we’d been living together for over a year and were as committed to each other as though we were married. There was nothing wrong with our relationship. We were as happy as could be. Looking back on it, Holden agrees with me. We didn’t fight, we shared all our feelings openly, and the sex was hot. Oh boy the sex was hot. We couldn’t get enough of each other. That’s why it puzzled me so badly when Holden confessed that his flirtation with an old girlfriend had gone too far and they’d had sex while I was at a night class. Immediately in my mind, questions of why flooded over me. I asked Holden a million times why. And why now? I could have understood if he and I were having problems. But we weren’t. In fact, for the first time our lives seemed to be bearing the fruits of our labors. He told me all the time how exciting a lover I was and how much he looked forward to seeing me each day. So what was the problem this was all a symptom of? I couldn’t find anything so I turned my search for flaws inward. The authors of The Ethical Slut go on to say:

“It is cruel and insensitive to interpret an affair as a symptom of sickness in the relationship, as it leaves the ‘cheated-on’ partner – who may already be feeling insecure – to wonder what is wrong with [her].”

Bingo! How accurate a description this is of how I began dealing with the aftermath of Holden’s confession. All my insecurities flashed up at me and I began to catalog my imperfections all over again, but this time with a new template: Rebbecca. Holden had dated Rebbecca before he and I started dating. After they’d broken up they patched things up to be friends again. I had gotten to know her by now too and so it was easy to compare myself to her. I began asking myself, what does she have that I don’t and how did she use it to attract Holden? What did Holden see in her that he didn’t see in me?

No matter how many different ways I asked myself and Holden these questions I still couldn’t figure out the answer. All our discussions ended up at the same point. Holden would tell me he didn’t love her, that he didn’t even really like her all that much, and that he didn’t know why he’d done it. This reflects the third part of what the authors say about this myth: that “the ‘cheating’ partner gets told that [he] is only ‘acting out’ to get back at [his] primary partner, and [he] really doesn’t want, need or even like [his] lover.” Holden is a product of the same psychological climate as I am and he was fulfilling his part in the myth, just as I was.

The problem this all caused for us, though, is that it didn’t actually get us anywhere. The question of why was never satisfactorily answered. I was able to insert a dozen of my own speculations about the answer, but they all focused on the insecurities I already had and in some cases even confused me over what I was even insecure about in the first place.

What would have been different if Holden had known what polyamory was and had been able to more honestly examine his feelings and identify himself as polyamorous by nature? I know it’s not really fair to speculate on the actual events of the past, but I have to go back and read the experience again through this new filter of understanding I have. For example, I knew Holden was attracted to her well before the actual cheating occurred. I often asked Holden about it for two reasons: one, to make him aware that I knew he was attracted to her, and two, to let him know what types of behavior between them made me uncomfortable. Whenever I brought it up, his answer was the same: “I was attracted to her once, but now we’re just friends and I don’t like her like that anymore.” I accepted his answer, but I never really believed it. I could see the exchange of feelings between their eyes. I saw how he reacted to her flirtations. I knew there was more there than Holden was willing to admit, but I also liked letting myself take comfort in his socially acceptable explanations.

I wonder how Holden’s answers would be different now if I asked him to go back over the story with me, each of us with our new understanding of ourselves. I wonder if he would be able to answer honestly what he found attractive about her, knowing that he doesn’t have to protect me from that pain anymore. It’s been six years since the initial questions were raised and for the first time in six years I may be starting to see how those questions of why that have stayed stuck in the back of my mind could possibly be answered.

It’s unfortunate that the authors’ explanation didn’t really fit entirely with the original myth statement, but I sure got a lot out of it, so I’ll briefly discuss the original myth because I do think it’s important.

One of my biggest concerns when Holden started talking to me in a practical way about polyamory was that he would spend all his time and energy on other relationships and have nothing left, or not enough left for me. I still don’t have any experience with this, but everyone I’ve talked to who does says that love grows the more it’s shared. They assure me that once Holden truly feels free to be the person in love that he needs to be, that he’ll love me all the more for it and that the excitement that charges his new relationships will transfer to ours too. People in poly relationships have told me that primary partners end up having more sex, not less. There’s just that much more sexual energy going around to fuel everybody’s fires. This is one of those concerns that still bothers me just a little because I have yet to experience it for myself. But it’s not going to hold me back from trying polyamory.

As for the idea that outside involvements impede problem-solving, it’s obvious to me that that’s hogwash. If a couple goes about entering a poly relationship with all the care and responsibility they should take with each other, it should only open things up for more communication, more honesty, and more opportunities for bringing up problems. That should aid problem-solving, not impede it.

Right?

-Grace

Stay tuned for the next post, Myth #6: “Swept away by love”