Can a leopard change her spots?

Holden speaks… again:

So first off I want to apologize for not having contributed much here thus far. I hope to remedy that in the coming weeks and months.

Also, apologies for the long silence here. Grace and I have been rather busy lately with several other aspects of life and have not had the time more recently to discuss as much as we’d like nor the time to post about what we have discussed.

So tonight, a positive update. Better understanding each other:

A few weeks back we were discussing attraction. I wanted to know what Grace might be looking for in potential partners, what she would be looking for in partners for me, and Grace wanted to know what specifically I found attractive about people I had expressed interest in. I started to relate how I was attracted to the drive of one, and the similarities in my childhood and how we both feel about society with another, and various other character traits that I found attractive in them. Grace asked again what I found attractive about them, and I looked at her questioningly. I responded saying that the things I had already mentioned attracted me to them. Grace asked more directly then: “But what do you find physically or sexually attractive about them?”

Understanding better now, though still somewhat confused I mentioned a few of the physical aspects that I liked about them but concluded with: “…though, I find most people sexually attractive in one way or another. Granted some more than others, but for me nearly everyone is physically desirable in some way. So it really does come down to the other aspects on if I find myself attracted to them.”

Now it was Grace’s turn to look bewildered.

Through our discussion we found ourselves to be nearly complete opposites in the way of sexual attraction and through that how we could find ourselves in potential relationships. I would say that I personally find about 80% or more of the people I meet sexually attractive, while grace only finds herself attracted to 20% or less of those we meet.

For Grace, sexual attraction is immediate. Meaning that if she doesn’t find herself physically attracted to someone at the moment she meets them, it’s never going to happen. It doesn’t matter how cool the person is, or how close of a friendship she might develop with that person, it will never be able to be any more than that for her. With me the opposite is the case. I can swing in and out of interest with someone based on how I relate to that person. Additionally as I find myself physically attracted to the vast majority of people, you had better have some other trait that causes you to stand out, for me to feel any genuine interest. Physical beauty has very little to do with it for me because of that.

And this had been an unknown hangup of ours for some time. Grace later told me that she always thought I was keeping the details of what I found physically attractive in others from her in order to spare her feelings, but she genuinely wanted to know. And she felt like I was keeping something from her by not telling her (and feeling like your partner is keeping something from you is a guarantee that things won’t be progressing happily). Where as in truth, I wasn’t mentioning those aspects because to my mind they were nearly entirely unimportant. I honestly didn’t realize that she was asking me for those specific details when she would ask me what I found attractive in someone.

With our new understanding we’ve been discussing more and giving each other more details than we have in the past. Specifically I’ve begun to mention what I find physically attractive in others to Grace as it helps her to understand where I am. Alternatively as there is such a lower percentage of possible partners out there for Grace, I have asked her to tell me whenever we pass or see someone that she finds sexually attractive so I have the best idea of that she desires in a potential partner.

Coming soon: recent trips, past errors, and new interests (for Grace this time).