“Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 6: Wrapping up
April 16, 2008
After this whole process of exploring the poly world are you a firm believer that you are really happier in this lifestyle or are you simply doing it because you love Holden?
Even though I’ve come to some basic philosophical conclusions, my explorations are nowhere near finished. Holden and I have not even actually HAD a poly relationship yet. We’ve simply become a couple who is currently monogamous but open to the idea of adding additonal partners should the opportunity come up.
As for the idea of doing it because I love Holden, there is some truth to that. Here’s the distinction though: I agreed to try to understand and explore poly because I love Holden. I agreed to do the hard work that goes in to re-examining every assumption about relationships, love, trust, and fidelity because I love Holden. But my decision to actually become open to having a poly relationship with Holden came about through my own independent observations about my own needs and desires, and about how relationships work (or don’t!) in general. Holden has been very careful not to exert too much pressure on me, and believe me when I tell you, that was probably the hardest part of all this for him. Well, maybe. I don’t know, you’d have to ask him about that. But he made it a point to get me to talk about everything as if he was an objective person. His biggest concern was not that I come around to his way of thinking, but that I honestly examine my own feelings in light of new information. While he initiated the process, I carried it in the direction that was most beneficial to me. You’ll notice as this blog continues how Holden and I have come to different conclusions about certain aspects of poly, especially as it relates to the nature vs. nurture argument. It is through these little differences of opinion that you can see that I’ve actually thought this stuff through for myself, and haven’t just accepted Holden’s take on everything.
This wraps up my little series summarizing my current status as a potential polyamorist.
Coming up soon: A discussion on the idea of “coming out,” and hopefully the beginning of a series of reviews of movies dealing with polyamory.
“Chapter 1 and a Half,” Part 5: Path of least resistance
April 15, 2008
Do you think that if you were given the choice to be monogamous with Holden that you would rather do that, or are you actually a believer that (while it is hard sometimes emotionally) polyamory really is the way to be happy in relationships?
This is one of those questions I’ve had a hard time answering because I was afraid of my answer. But if I look at myself truly honestly and answer as if the answer is just for me, and not to be judged by anyone, I think answering right now, I’d say I’d rather be monogamous with Holden. Of course, if you asked me if I’d rather bike up a steep mountain foothill or along a flat stretch of gravel road, I’d choose the flat gravel road too. It’s human nature to want the path of least resistance. Considering that we don’t actually have anybody else in our relationship, and haven’t had anyone yet, I’ve still never actually experienced what it’s like to be in a poly relationship with Holden. So it’s kind of the devil you know versus the devil you don’t. However, there’s nothing saying that won’t change in the future. All I know for sure right now is that through all the crazy shit we’ve been through in the past year and in years past, Holden has been the best partner for me and regardless of the configuration of our relationship in the future, I am sure I will want it to be with Holden.
“Chapter 1 and a Half,” Part 4: Short but sweet… like me!
April 14, 2008
Do you guys think that you are making the choice to be a poly couple because it is what you think will work for “you guys,” or are you confident that if you were longer together you would still search for a poly lifestyle?
I think Holden for sure would be poly regardless of whether we were together. I don’t know. I don’t think I would actively seek multiple partners, but rather if multiple people came my way that I wanted a deep relationship with, I wouldn’t rule it out. It’s like that with anything though. I don’t think we go through life “seeking” a relationship, we just learn how to be open to one.
Short answer today. But tomorrow there will be more. Check back for “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 5
Do you think that the people who meet and marry one person and spend their lives together are really content?
I think some people have the capacity for that. However, I think they’re much more rare than people who would be more content having multiple partners at some time in their lives. As I talked about in part 2, there are complications to any relationship, and if a monogamous couple decides that they want to remain monogamous while dealing with all of these complications, that can leave them both feeling happy and fulfilled if it’s what they both truly want. Now, I don’t think that’s as common or as easy as we’ve been led to believe. It’s certainly not the norm.
By “complications” I mean anything that challenges the monogamous feelings of either person in the relationship. Developing feelings for someone other than one’s partner, lusting after a movie star, finding emotional fulfillment in an Internet relationship that isn’t being found in the real life monogamous relationship are all examples of possible complications. People in our mainstream society are more likely to deny the complications, sweep them under the rug, or act on their impulses and desires in secret, none of which are healthy. Open communication is the first requirement in dealing with any complication. I could go on for pages about what constitutes open communication and strategies to start doing it, but that would be a pretty far digression.
In short, I think that if a monogamous couple face challenges together openly and honestly and still find they are happiest being monogamous, then they can be content in that. What most people see as contentment, however, is more often actually resignation.
Don’t forget to check out the next installment of “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 4!
-Grace
Do you think that ultimately everyone would be happier if they could take on the polyamorous way of life?
I don’t think polyamory is for everyone. I think there are people out there who are just going to be happier in a monogamous relationship. The problem I see is that monogamy is usually the only choice presented. I think monogamy is fine as long as you’re actively choosing to be monogamous, having considered that there are other possibilities out there. Most people don’t ever consider anything but monogamy and I don’t think that’s healthy. I think a lot more people would choose to be polyamorous if they knew it existed and weren’t told by the powers that be that it’s a bad lifestyle choice.
Polyamory is complicated. It’s a constant challenge. I think of it this way: monogamy is Relationship 101-201, sort of the basic course, that is still pretty challenging, but ultimately only pushes you so far. Polyamory is more like a 300-400 level class that adds such advanced concepts into the lesson as fluid swapping, compersion (a.k.a. frubble), and primary/secondary partners. You have to learn a whole new vocabulary and a whole new set of strategies. Plus, the level of self examination that is required for someone to even have the remotest chance of making polyamory work can be daunting. Because of the level of effort involved in just having a moderately successful polyamorous relationship, it’s not necessarily the best option for the lowest common denominator of our population.
That said, I do think that people who currently have monogamous relationships can benefit greatly from having the honest discussions that can come up with considering the possiblity of poly. Even if they decide that monogamy is best for them, the fact that they’ve talked these things over can greatly strengthen their monogamous relationship.
Additionally, anyone who is currently in a monogamous relationship and is considering making it poly had better make sure their monogamous relationship is already good and strong because poly is going to challenge it in surprising ways. I really believe that if you’re starting out from a monogamous place, you have to sort of “master” monogamy before you can add any additional partners. Additional partners only multiply complications, they never reduce them. If you already have a strong base in a committed relationship, you’ll be prepared to handle those additional complications. If not, then the complications will not only burn your new relationship, but also damage your existing one.
Whatever your relationship status, it must be a mutually agreed upon arrangement for it to be fulfilling to everyone involved.
Stay tuned for the next installment, “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 3!
-Grace
I recently received an email from a reader (it still tickles me that I have readers!) that brought up a number of really deep questions. In some ways they are difficult because I’m not always sure I’m going to like the answers. I worry sometimes that Holden might not like my answers. Many of them are questions I’ve been avoiding answering definitively because I’m still exploring the world of poly and its possibilities and drawbacks. But having them posed to me directly has prompted me to look back on the past year and evaluate my experience. In a way, this is the closing of a chapter and the transition to a new one. I’m going to break these up into separate posts so I’m not flooding you with too much information at once. So here is my first installment of a series I’d like to call “Chapter 1 and a half.”
My lovely reader asked:
I am curious as to what your overall view on relationships is. Do you think that with the way people are (biologically, socially, etc.) it is actually possible to have the “fairy tale romance” that our culture promotes?
I think biologically, there are some very basic things that may be hardwired in people. I don’t like to let them count for a whole lot, though, because we have the power to change any of those things and even completely reverse them. Additionally, I don’t believe you can predict how someone’s hardwired based on their gender, age, or anything else. I think people are born to be who/what they are, and deep down only they know what their core is like.
That said, society is a very strong force. Often we don’t even realize how completely society shapes us until we start taking apart each piece of our assumptions and asking ourselves objectively how we feel about them. You remember how daunting peer pressure was when you were young. Heck, I’m finding as an adult that peer pressure is still pretty strong. Everybody wants to fit in somewhere, and for most people that means fitting in to “society.” My view of society is that it is made up of all of the following and more: family, religion, Hollywood, advertising, and peer groups. With society telling us constantly that there is no acceptable way to have a relationship except through monogamy, it can be nearly impossible to see that there are other options out there.
As for a fairy tale romance, it depends on what your idea of a fairy tale is. My experience with fairy tales is that while everyone ends up happily ever after in the end, they don’t get there without a good bit of drama and conflict. In fact, in my opinion, the best parts of the story are the ones where you see the hero/heroine struggling with an inner weakness or problem and learning how to overcome it or use it to their advantage, or whatever. It’s only then that the exciting part of the story begins, when the hero/heroine confronts their enemy head on. Eventually all this conflict results in the foe being slain and the hero/heroine being happy in their peaceful new life only because they know how hard they fought to get there. If that’s the model of fairy tale we’re using, then yeah!
I guess that wasn’t what you were talking about though. If the “fairy tale romance” you were talking about means a heterosexual couple getting married and never desiring anyone else ever again and never feeling resentful, constrained, or disappointed, then the short answer is no. The complications of romance and desire may affect people differently through their lives, but it will be there in one form or another no matter what.
By accepting that these complications will be there, you have to then move on to the next question, which is how will you deal with them? This question is much harder to answer and that’s why people so often simply refuse to believe that there will be complications. If they don’t exist, there’s no need to do all the hard work of figuring out how to deal with them. Problem solved, right? (Smirk.)
As always, I’m happy to read your comments, so feel free to leave some on this post, or email me at monopolyblog@gmail.com.
Watch this space for “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 2!
-Grace
Guest Blogger: Holden – “Dear Abby: Please get a clue!”
April 8, 2008
Fair warning. I’m writing this while still somewhat angry about it.
Waiting for my lunch to warm up today I made the mistake of picking up the local newspaper. I read a lot of news but I tend to stay away from the mainstream US media as I find most of it fairly worthless. Unfortunately a free paper on a table was a little too enticing to pass up while waiting 5 minutes for my food to finish. After reading a few local stories I came across a small section and my eyes caught the words: “love, husband, and another”. Curious, it took a few more moments before I realized I’d been drawn to a question in “Dear Abby:”
Dear Abby: I have been married six years and have recently fallen in love with another man. But I still love my husband. Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time?
Abby says: It is possible to love more than one person because you love them for different reasons. However, when someone is in love he or she is usually completely focused on that one love object. So, the answer is no.
…right, because we only love one child or one parent/sibling/relative… at a time because we can only focus on “one love object”. That makes perfect sense. Not to mention the “different reasons” bit. Sorry little johnny, but you’re too much like your older brother for mommy to love you. If only you’d been a little more different she’d have other reasons to love you, but she can’t possibly love the same thing about two of her kids… that’s ridiculous!
I honestly wanted to scream. Here is an advise columnist who is touted as a “relationship expert” but apparently she’s never heard of polyamory.
And worse. Here is a woman, probably hurting over what she perceives to be a fault in herself (Cinderella only needed one prince charming after all… at least that’s all the story Disney gave us), asking a hard question, looking for advise and guidance, fed the fairytale line. And unfortunately she’ll probably take it to heart, instead of examining the issues of honesty, trust, communication and commitment that are already apparently involved.
In the end I think what upset me the most was the probability that Abby HAS heard of poly but instead of taking time and professional attitude of setting aside her own prejudices and examining it, she simply pretends it doesn’t exist and advises people from inside her projected world bubble. …and the fact that she’s getting paid to do it.
-Holden
