Can a leopard change her spots?

So, remember a few weeks back I talked about telling a couple of new friends about Holden and me exploring polyamory? We’ve been getting closer and closer to the pair from this post. Their names are Alex and Kyle. Alex is female, by the way.

Alex and Kyle are married and have a really great relationship. They’re really quite adorable and we have so much in common with them we sometimes find ourselves staying up way too late just talking and talking about every random topic that comes to us. It’s the stuff really good friendships are made of.

During one of our long evening chats Alex mentioned that she’s bixsexual. That’s when I mentioned that I have interest in women too but have never experienced anything romantic with a woman. We just sort of left it at that for the time, but there were definitely some exchanged glances and some little flirtations that passed between me and Alex.

I’m not reading too much into this yet. I mean, I know they’re okay with having poly friends, but I have no idea whether they’re open to having poly relationships themselves, or even what their level of understanding of poly is. But I’m definitely intrigued by this Alex person.

And of course, I start second-guessing myself. Maybe I’m misreading her body language. Maybe she’s just flirty with everybody. I’ve been wrong about this kind of thing before. But something about her tells me that I can probably find out what’s really going on eventually. Even if it’s nothing more than friendship, I’m really excited to have a pair of new friends I can truly be open and honest with.

-Grace

(Anyone else here a fan of the Everly Brothers?)

All this talk about polyamory and stuff has brought about the question, could I be bisexual? Maybe that’s weird for a 25 year old to be asking herself that for the first time, but it’s not, and here’s why. For a long time, I’ve noticed that I’m turned on by some women. I’ve caught myself staring at certain friends of mine, women in the library, fellow students in college. I’ve even met a couple of women who cause that feeling like you get when you have a crush on someone: that desperate feeling to get their attention, feeling like you want to figure out a way to get to spend more time with them, watching their face when they don’t think you’re looking. More recently I’ve started having sexual dreams about women. Of course the question occurred to me a long time ago whether I might be bisexual, but since I was always in a monogamous relationship with a man, I never allowed myself to think about it further. It didn’t matter whether I liked girls. I was married and monogamous, so what would be the point of discovering that I’m bisexual? Now, though, with the prospect that polyamory could some day be an option and that Holden would like me to be involved in his relationships with other women, the question is more relevant than ever.

I’m starting to let myself dwell on those sexual thoughts of mine that include women. I’m trying to figure out whether I am actually attracted to women enough to start “dating” them or if what I’m feeling is just an extension of my newfound appreciation for my own womanhood. If the barriers to bisexuality I’ve put up in my mind are taken down, will I ever actually fall in love with a woman?

So far, all I’ve ever been able to do is think and fantasize. I’ve never been in a situation in which it felt ok to openly gaze at a woman and not feel like I have to sneak peeks. I have lots of friends who are lesbians or bisexual, for whom it might not be uncomfortable to be looked at and admired that way by another woman, but because of my own limitations I put on myself (and out of respect for my friends) I’ve never let myself explore those feelings with them.

I guess that’s another question I need to answer before I can decide whether a poly relationship would work for me. Holden is definitely heterosexual, and while he does feel deep camaraderie akin to brotherhood with men, he’s not sexually attracted to them (and he, unlike myself, has actually gone through some process of questioning that.)

I’m not sure how this part of my exploration is going to progress, but I’ll admit I am excited about it. The prospect of going through this period of discovery as a more confident and mature adult rather than as a gawky ridiculous adolescent kind of sounds like fun.

-Grace