Can a leopard change her spots?

Fair warning. I’m writing this while still somewhat angry about it.

Waiting for my lunch to warm up today I made the mistake of picking up the local newspaper. I read a lot of news but I tend to stay away from the mainstream US media as I find most of it fairly worthless. Unfortunately a free paper on a table was a little too enticing to pass up while waiting 5 minutes for my food to finish. After reading a few local stories I came across a small section and my eyes caught the words: “love, husband, and another”. Curious, it took a few more moments before I realized I’d been drawn to a question in “Dear Abby:”

Dear Abby: I have been married six years and have recently fallen in love with another man. But I still love my husband. Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time?

Abby says: It is possible to love more than one person because you love them for different reasons. However, when someone is in love he or she is usually completely focused on that one love object. So, the answer is no.

…right, because we only love one child or one parent/sibling/relative… at a time because we can only focus on “one love object”. That makes perfect sense. Not to mention the “different reasons” bit. Sorry little johnny, but you’re too much like your older brother for mommy to love you. If only you’d been a little more different she’d have other reasons to love you, but she can’t possibly love the same thing about two of her kids… that’s ridiculous!

I honestly wanted to scream. Here is an advise columnist who is touted as a “relationship expert” but apparently she’s never heard of polyamory.

And worse. Here is a woman, probably hurting over what she perceives to be a fault in herself (Cinderella only needed one prince charming after all… at least that’s all the story Disney gave us), asking a hard question, looking for advise and guidance, fed the fairytale line. And unfortunately she’ll probably take it to heart, instead of examining the issues of honesty, trust, communication and commitment that are already apparently involved.

In the end I think what upset me the most was the probability that Abby HAS heard of poly but instead of taking time and professional attitude of setting aside her own prejudices and examining it, she simply pretends it doesn’t exist and advises people from inside her projected world bubble. …and the fact that she’s getting paid to do it.

-Holden

Holden speaks… again:

So first off I want to apologize for not having contributed much here thus far. I hope to remedy that in the coming weeks and months.

Also, apologies for the long silence here. Grace and I have been rather busy lately with several other aspects of life and have not had the time more recently to discuss as much as we’d like nor the time to post about what we have discussed.

So tonight, a positive update. Better understanding each other:

A few weeks back we were discussing attraction. I wanted to know what Grace might be looking for in potential partners, what she would be looking for in partners for me, and Grace wanted to know what specifically I found attractive about people I had expressed interest in. I started to relate how I was attracted to the drive of one, and the similarities in my childhood and how we both feel about society with another, and various other character traits that I found attractive in them. Grace asked again what I found attractive about them, and I looked at her questioningly. I responded saying that the things I had already mentioned attracted me to them. Grace asked more directly then: “But what do you find physically or sexually attractive about them?”

Understanding better now, though still somewhat confused I mentioned a few of the physical aspects that I liked about them but concluded with: “…though, I find most people sexually attractive in one way or another. Granted some more than others, but for me nearly everyone is physically desirable in some way. So it really does come down to the other aspects on if I find myself attracted to them.”

Now it was Grace’s turn to look bewildered.

Through our discussion we found ourselves to be nearly complete opposites in the way of sexual attraction and through that how we could find ourselves in potential relationships. I would say that I personally find about 80% or more of the people I meet sexually attractive, while grace only finds herself attracted to 20% or less of those we meet.

For Grace, sexual attraction is immediate. Meaning that if she doesn’t find herself physically attracted to someone at the moment she meets them, it’s never going to happen. It doesn’t matter how cool the person is, or how close of a friendship she might develop with that person, it will never be able to be any more than that for her. With me the opposite is the case. I can swing in and out of interest with someone based on how I relate to that person. Additionally as I find myself physically attracted to the vast majority of people, you had better have some other trait that causes you to stand out, for me to feel any genuine interest. Physical beauty has very little to do with it for me because of that.

And this had been an unknown hangup of ours for some time. Grace later told me that she always thought I was keeping the details of what I found physically attractive in others from her in order to spare her feelings, but she genuinely wanted to know. And she felt like I was keeping something from her by not telling her (and feeling like your partner is keeping something from you is a guarantee that things won’t be progressing happily). Where as in truth, I wasn’t mentioning those aspects because to my mind they were nearly entirely unimportant. I honestly didn’t realize that she was asking me for those specific details when she would ask me what I found attractive in someone.

With our new understanding we’ve been discussing more and giving each other more details than we have in the past. Specifically I’ve begun to mention what I find physically attractive in others to Grace as it helps her to understand where I am. Alternatively as there is such a lower percentage of possible partners out there for Grace, I have asked her to tell me whenever we pass or see someone that she finds sexually attractive so I have the best idea of that she desires in a potential partner.

Coming soon: recent trips, past errors, and new interests (for Grace this time).

Myth #6: “Swept away by love”

The authors of The Ethical Slut explain this as the feeling that “if you’re really in love with someone, you never have to argue… or do any other kind of work.” I couldn’t believe people really thought that way at first.  It just seemed so silly.  But then I thought about friends of mine who have gone through a frequent pattern of breaking up and getting back together and breaking up and getting back together.   When I’d ask one partner why she broke up with him, it was always over something that Holden and I surely would have fought over, or at the very least discussed, but that would not have been grounds for breaking up.  But for these couples it was easier, or rather more comfortable to break up, spend some time apart, and then come back together.  Except nothing ever got resolved.  If whoever had been in the wrong (or had been perceived to be) came back and begged forgiveness, they’d get back together and in the joy of being a couple again would forget to actually resolve what caused the breakup in the first place.   They’d say “this time things are going to be different,” every time.  I have friends who have been going through this cycle for almost 10 years.  It’s clear that they do love each other.  But they’re not willing to accept that love actually does mean “for better or worse,” to some degree.

Another side of this “swept away” idea is that each partner is supposed to “be enough” for the other; that they won’t ever need anything or want anything but the love of their own partner to feel turned on and satisfied. To this end, everything that isn’t strictly traditional sex between two partners must be a sign that one parter is not feeling satisfied and wants to commit adultery (even if it’s in his or her mind.)  This is something I’ve fallen prey to many times and through my work exploring fantasies, I’m learning how to reassure myself that this isn’t true.  The first time Holden asked me to act out or dress up for a fantasy of his, I felt hurt, like he was wishing I was someone else.  I felt like he wanted to use me so I refused.  We see on TV all the time how the idea that one’s partner would be thinking about someone else while having sex is just about the worst insult.  It’s always worthy of a withering glare, a quick gathering of one’s belongings, and angrily storming out.  Granted, most of the time the revelation of the partner’s fantasy is a surprise (most commonly via a spontaneous screaming of another person’s name during climax) and that’s no way to broach the subject.

The idea of using vibrators and other pleasure devices, including porn, is often looked down on as if a partner has to use a device to make up for something the other partner is lacking.  It’s not really realistic to expect anybody to remain absolutely riveted by the limited variation offered by traditional couple sex forever and ever.  Eventually everyone wants to spice things up one way or another.

The point is that love does not mean a wholesale abandonment of human nature. Two people getting married are still two people and much of what we’re taught by society is trying to make us forget that.

-Grace

Myth #3: Loving someone makes it okay to control his/her behavior.

This just screams jealousy and insecurity. People seek to control a partner’s behavior often because they think that if the behavior is eliminated, the feelings that drive the behavior will go away too. By punishing your partner for showing interest in another person, you’re not going to change the fact that your partner finds that person attractive. As the authors wrote in relation to one of the first two myths: “a ring around the finger does not cause a nerve block to the genitals.”

I learned in catechism (yes, there were some good things I learned there) that God gave humans free will because forced worship has no meaning. It’s worthless because it’s not sincere. It’s the same with relationships. Forced fidelity is meaningless and leads to resentment and deceit. The only way a commitment will last is if both partners truly feel committed. If one partner doesn’t feel the same way, there is no way to force those feelings into existence.

This is not to say that partners need not show restraint in how they behave. Boundaries are very important. They need to be discussed and agreed upon by all partners. Sometimes this is tricky and requires some compromise. If an established boundary is no longer working for you, you need to bring that up and discuss it before actually doing anything to push that boundary. You helped make them, you can work together to change them. But simply mandating or forbidding things for the sake of feeling secure is not going to actually create security or safeguard the relationship.

-Grace

Stay tuned for next time when I’ll discuss Myth #4: Jealousy is inevitable and impossible to overcome.

Chapter 3 of The Ethical Slut lists out a collection of myths about monogamy and explains what’s wrong with them. Many of the myths were the basis for my arguments when I was trying to defend monogamy to Holden during our first discussions about it. I’m going to go through them and reflect on each one.

Myth #1: Long-term monogamous relationship are the only real relationships.

This implies that all other relationships are false, that they cannot be fulfilling on their own and only exist to serve as stepping stones to the goal of long-term monogamy. Isn’t that what our parents teach us about dating when we’re teenagers? “Date around, sample what’s out there, then pick one you want to settle down with and marry them.” Even adults who’ve been around the block a few times can be heard exclaiming, “All those others before you didn’t mean a thing to me.” When some of those previous relationships lasted a number of years, the statement sounds especially ludicrous.

Since people who believe this myth see long-term monogamy as the final goal, many of them choose to believe that the hard part is over and they can just sit back and enjoy the ride from now on. This is terribly naive and leaves many people woefully unprepared to deal with real problems that challenge every relationship.

I think a better way to approach the “goal” of a relationship, if it is in fact something you desire, is to think of a relationship as a means to achieving your own personal goals. Ask yourself what you want the relationship to add to your life. Don’t start with any pre-set framework, but list out the abstract things you think a relationship could provide. Do you desire companionship, sexual satisfaction, financial stability, children, freedom, commitment, a partner in crime, a good masseuse? First determine why you want the relationship in the first place, and then establish the parameters that will best allow you to experience all those benefits. Maybe long-term monogamy will fit that best, but maybe not.

-Grace

Stay tuned for my reflections on Myth #2: Sexual desire is a destructive force

Part 2: The meltdown.

I brought up every point of resistance I could think of and in my panic I wasn’t actually hearing a lot of what Holden said. No matter what he said, all I could hear was “I want to have other partners. I want you to have other partners. I want to share sexual experiences with more than just us.” And in my mind this turned into “I want to have other relationships, date other women besides you. I want to have you here as my wife, steady and dependable and loving, while I go out at night with other women and spend our money on dates and hotel rooms and stuff.” I struggled with the idea of commitment. “Why did you even marry me if you wanted to have other relationships? You KNEW I wanted monogamy. Why didn’t you tell me about this BEFORE we got married?” I felt offended that after all I had sacrificed and how much I fought with my family over our relationship that he wanted to reduce my relationship with him to “one of many.” “What do you MEAN you love your friends much the same way you love me?! What, so that makes me little more than your friend?! I’m your WIFE!!!”

I worked myself into such a frenzy that I took a couple of days off work. Having the time to calm down a bit, I thought long and hard about what this could possibly mean to our marriage and worked out a few scenarios. I had a million questions. How big a part of his personality was this? Couldn’t he just feel that way but choose not to act on it? What was so wrong with just being friends with these people? If it did turn out to be something so ingrained in his psyche, could I expect him to stay monogamous? If I asked him to, he probably would, but would he resent me in a few years? We’ve always talked about these kinds of things up front, holding nothing back, even knowing it might hurt. But if he felt like he couldn’t talk to me and get my permission would he take it “underground” and cheat on me behind my back? What would life be like if I DID agree to let him take other lovers? Would he want to spend time with them when he’s normally spending time with me? Would he be there for me as dependably as he has always been? If I’m in an accident, will I know how to contact him for help, and would he come to help me? Who would these other women be? How could I know he was being safe? Would I have to require that he get a new STD test after every encounter with another woman? I’d want him to. Even if they’re women I know, you don’t always know what they’re carrying. Could I trust him to use a condom? A dental dam? A female condom? EVERY TIME??? And what happens when we have kids?! *twitch* *twitch* *BOOM* (My head asplode.)

I started writing down my options as I saw them at that point:

Option 1: I could take a hardline approach, put my foot down, and say he has to honor the original agreement. Absolutely nothing extramarital allowed. I would have to assert the ultimatum that he’d lose me entirely if he did have an affair - and I’d have to be willing to stand by that. Even after we’ve had children. All the while I was contemplating this option, I was asking myself, “Could I really be considering ending my marriage?”

Option 2: I could take a hardline approach to safety. Lay down ground rules that would give me control over the whole situation. I mean every aspect. Here would be the rules:

1. Sexual encounters he has with other women would happen in my house while I am present in another room.
2. He and his partner must provide results of an HIV/AIDS/STD test to me in person. The female participant must also show me proof of continued use of birth control pills or other chemical contraception.
3. A female condom must be used for all penetration.
4. A dental dam must be used for all cunnilingus.
5. A male condom must be used for fellatio.
6. He is only allowed to orgasm into a condom - nowhere else.
7. She will be required to take the morning after pill under my supervision.
8. They will be responsible for washing all bed linens and remaking the bed to exactly as it was before the encounter.

Oh who am I kidding? There’s no way that would possibly work. Wait… ah, sabotage!!!

No. Well… no.

I CAN’T BELIEVE I CAN EVEN BE CONSIDERING “GRANTING PERMISSION” FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS!!! Any other woman would kick him to the curb!

Neither Option 1 nor Option 2 were really viable options.

I came up with a third option when I started thinking that things don’t necessarily have to be so absolute. I started to consider a temporary separation. Let him understand how serious I am and how much he stands to lose. Let him weigh the options and make his decision. Let him suffer a little the way he’s making me suffer right now. I have no intention of being a doormat. He’s going to have to understand that this could end us once and for all.

What would happen if we were temporarily separated? Would I give him a free pass to go “get it out of his sytem?” Would I set a time frame for it or just say “come back when you’re ready to be married?” And actually I would probably be the one leaving because he would have to stay at his job.

The timing of all this drama was especially bad because we had been planning a trip to see all our friends over the weekend. Great, now not only would I have to suck it up and put on a brave face, but I’d also be analyzing every move, every look, every giggle exchanged between Holden and our female friends.

Stay tuned for part 3: the trip to the city.

I’ve been waiting for the right time before posting here. Grace has been asking me to contribute but I wanted to allow her some time to introduce herself and the situation. This is her blog after all. She’s now introduced me, very flatteringly I must add, and posted about the low point of our history (something I asked her to do). So I felt now would be a good time to add a few of my own words.

At this point I’m sure there must be many varying opinions about me. Not the least prevalent being that I’m just looking for an excuse to have sex with whomever I want. This is the standard gut reaction of most that don’t understand polyamory. I’m not interested in random “hook-ups” but in further developing relationships with people I care about.

It has been a long time in understanding my own feelings and discovering that I’m polyamorous.

I should take a moment to point out that when I say I’m polyamorous it does not mean that I’m currently in a polyamorous relationship. I mean it in much the same way someone might call themselves bisexual. It is a part of who I am. One can be bisexual and still be in a monogamous relationship, just as I can be in a monogamous relationship being a polyamorous person. Grace and I are still discussing and discovering our desires and limits before any changes occur.

I’ve always been very openly and physically affectionate with close friends. Through high school and into my early years of college I felt attraction toward my closest friends similar to what I would feel toward a girlfriend, but for a long time I tried to ignore the feelings thinking that it was simply a biological male drive to find as many mates as possible. I flirted and became close with others, but nothing beyond what most would still consider acceptable physical behavior between friends.

The betrayal occurred a little more than a year into my relationship with Grace. I see it as the most shameful moment in my life. I was sick after and unable to function, I stayed home from work and told Grace everything that night. This of course reinforced in me that any feelings I had for others were terribly wrong and I again tried to push it completely out of my mind.

However, nearly two years later, when I finally allowed myself to examine these feelings I found that it was more than a sexual drive. I desired developed relationships with others. More importantly I wanted Grace to be involved in those additional relationships.

It wasn’t until nearly a year after Grace and I were married that I began to understand these feelings, and it took me even longer to be able to express them to Grace. There were many failed attempts and tears as I tried to explain how much I loved her and how my feelings for others in no way diminish my feelings for her. I only recently even became aware that the term polyamory existed, so attempting to explain my feelings took a long time.

Now we are viewing it as a way of developing together and becoming even closer in our relationship. I love Grace more than anything in the world, and through this process I’m working to make that even more evident. By sharing more openly my feelings and desires and encouraging Grace to do the same I believe we become even closer.

I will continue to contribute my thoughts from time to time as we make our way through it all together.

-Holden

I haven’t spoken with anyone else about this, but I will do my best to find some other people who were put in the same position I was and get their perspective. The moment that Holden told me that he wanted us to consider a poly lifestyle caused a major crisis for me. I’ll do my best to explain the crisis in my three part series entitled:

OMG WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! No… no wait… maybe not.

When I married Holden, I did not know that he was a polyamorous person. I don’t think he honestly knew how to identify himself at that point. I believe the realization of what to call himself is a relatively recent thing. But as he began going through the process to understand himself in that way (must remember to ask Holden to describe that for me) he would bring up questions, frustrations, and ponderings he was having about sexuality, relationships, fidelity, and so on. However, because of my beliefs about marriage and monogamy, and because he had committed himself to respect my wishes, he continuously reassured me that he intended to remain faithful to his promise of monogamy to me.

Within a year of getting married, Holden started expressing his frustration at people’s reactions to him when they found out he was married. He said he didn’t feel “changed” by marriage, that he still enjoyed flirting and being open to talking about sex. Friends he had previously flirted with or been frank with in discussions started scolding him saying things like “You’re married, you’re not supposed to talk like that!” We both enjoy going out to dance clubs and dancing with all sorts of different people. But now that Holden was wearing a wedding ring, he found that nobody approached him to ask him to dance, and those he did approach sometimes looked at him as if they were scolding him for cheating on his wife.

A little later, maybe a year after we’d gotten married, Holden brought up the idea that he didn’t agree with the concept of monogamy, that it didn’t seem natural to him and that if circumstances were different (ie. had he not married a monogamous person and promised to be monogamous) he would probably not be monogamous. In my mind, at the time, this felt really scary. Giant red neon lights with ominous air raid sirens went off in my head screaming, “He wants to cheat! He doesn’t think you’re enough for him! You’re going to lose him! Danger! Danger!” I got very defensive because I was so scared that this was his veiled way of telling me that he wasn’t happy being married to me. The conversation spiraled into a crying jag for me, and Holden feeling very sorry for ever having brought it up.

Holden kept reassuring me that he was only thinking philosophically and that it didn’t mean he wanted to change anything about our relationship. Each time he brought it up I would defend my monogamous position. “It’s safe, both emotionally and biologically. I mean, I don’t have to tell you about all the diseases people have. And you can never really be safe just using condoms (shout-out to my mom!). Besides, opening up a relationship to other people just opens us up to be hurt (read: opens ME up to be hurt) and why invite trouble? Why make yourself vulnerable to all these problems if you’re already happy and satisfied in the relationship you’ve got?” To me, monogamy meant security. It was my way of feeling like I had some control in the relationship. At the same time, though, I wanted to encourage Holden to think freely, to really explore his feelings, and be true to what he feels is right for him. So far, he’d always said that was me.

Flash forward a bit to about a month ago. Holden had convinced me that I was what he wanted, which meant to me that he was still willing to maintain monogamy so I had calmed down. Meanwhile, all this time he had been reading things, and talking to friends who had some experience with non-traditional or non-monogamous relationships. He became increasingly frustrated and scared because he couldn’t talk to me about it without me dissolving into tears. In reality, it was just one of many frustrations (life or lack thereof in a small town, the inability to see our old friends from college in the city, feeling like he can’t be himself among the wholesome Christian people here, and there not being any people our age around here who weren’t into NASCAR and country music.) All in all he wasn’t himself and his angry attitude and the grumpy way he slouched around the house made it all the more clear to me that we needed a change. We had already decided to move to a larger city in the same state, so that was resolved. Why wasn’t he feeling better? Why wasn’t he motivated to find a job in that new city and looking forward to the more active lifestyle we could have there?

His lack of improvement puzzled me and I started asking him about it more and more. I wanted to help. I wanted him to talk to me, to tell me why he was so angry and withdrawn. Here was the master of open communication, who’d taught me that problems only fester until you talk about them, bottling himself up and quite frankly driving me crazy. Finally, one day I picked a fight with him, just to get him to start communicating with me. I didn’t care at that point if we ended up screaming at each other, I just wanted whatever was bothering him out in the open. So I poked and prodded him, I egged him on, got snarky, and finally he started to unload what was really bothering him. I listened as he begrudgingly told me how much he felt he’d been suppressing himself because he couldn’t express the part of his personality that is polyamorous.

I panicked. In my head I had thought all this was resolved. I thought we’d moved on to new problems, that we’d already decided monogamy was for us, end of story. This began a week-long freak out for me. (I know, I’m such a whiny little bitch.)

Read on to part 2 to read about my melt-down.