Can a leopard change her spots?

Myth #6: “Swept away by love”

The authors of The Ethical Slut explain this as the feeling that “if you’re really in love with someone, you never have to argue… or do any other kind of work.” I couldn’t believe people really thought that way at first.  It just seemed so silly.  But then I thought about friends of mine who have gone through a frequent pattern of breaking up and getting back together and breaking up and getting back together.   When I’d ask one partner why she broke up with him, it was always over something that Holden and I surely would have fought over, or at the very least discussed, but that would not have been grounds for breaking up.  But for these couples it was easier, or rather more comfortable to break up, spend some time apart, and then come back together.  Except nothing ever got resolved.  If whoever had been in the wrong (or had been perceived to be) came back and begged forgiveness, they’d get back together and in the joy of being a couple again would forget to actually resolve what caused the breakup in the first place.   They’d say “this time things are going to be different,” every time.  I have friends who have been going through this cycle for almost 10 years.  It’s clear that they do love each other.  But they’re not willing to accept that love actually does mean “for better or worse,” to some degree.

Another side of this “swept away” idea is that each partner is supposed to “be enough” for the other; that they won’t ever need anything or want anything but the love of their own partner to feel turned on and satisfied. To this end, everything that isn’t strictly traditional sex between two partners must be a sign that one parter is not feeling satisfied and wants to commit adultery (even if it’s in his or her mind.)  This is something I’ve fallen prey to many times and through my work exploring fantasies, I’m learning how to reassure myself that this isn’t true.  The first time Holden asked me to act out or dress up for a fantasy of his, I felt hurt, like he was wishing I was someone else.  I felt like he wanted to use me so I refused.  We see on TV all the time how the idea that one’s partner would be thinking about someone else while having sex is just about the worst insult.  It’s always worthy of a withering glare, a quick gathering of one’s belongings, and angrily storming out.  Granted, most of the time the revelation of the partner’s fantasy is a surprise (most commonly via a spontaneous screaming of another person’s name during climax) and that’s no way to broach the subject.

The idea of using vibrators and other pleasure devices, including porn, is often looked down on as if a partner has to use a device to make up for something the other partner is lacking.  It’s not really realistic to expect anybody to remain absolutely riveted by the limited variation offered by traditional couple sex forever and ever.  Eventually everyone wants to spice things up one way or another.

The point is that love does not mean a wholesale abandonment of human nature. Two people getting married are still two people and much of what we’re taught by society is trying to make us forget that.

-Grace

Myth #5: Outside involvements reduce intimacy in the primary relationship and impede problem solving.

I need to quote extensively from the book on this one because the authors describe exactly what happened to me. They say:

“Most marriage counselors are taught that when a member of an otherwise happily married couple has an ‘affair,’ this must be a symptom of unresolved conflict or unfulfilled needs that should be dealt with in the primary relationship.”

That is exactly what I went through when Holden cheated on me. We weren’t married yet, but we’d been living together for over a year and were as committed to each other as though we were married. There was nothing wrong with our relationship. We were as happy as could be. Looking back on it, Holden agrees with me. We didn’t fight, we shared all our feelings openly, and the sex was hot. Oh boy the sex was hot. We couldn’t get enough of each other. That’s why it puzzled me so badly when Holden confessed that his flirtation with an old girlfriend had gone too far and they’d had sex while I was at a night class. Immediately in my mind, questions of why flooded over me. I asked Holden a million times why. And why now? I could have understood if he and I were having problems. But we weren’t. In fact, for the first time our lives seemed to be bearing the fruits of our labors. He told me all the time how exciting a lover I was and how much he looked forward to seeing me each day. So what was the problem this was all a symptom of? I couldn’t find anything so I turned my search for flaws inward. The authors of The Ethical Slut go on to say:

“It is cruel and insensitive to interpret an affair as a symptom of sickness in the relationship, as it leaves the ‘cheated-on’ partner - who may already be feeling insecure - to wonder what is wrong with [her].”

Bingo! How accurate a description this is of how I began dealing with the aftermath of Holden’s confession. All my insecurities flashed up at me and I began to catalog my imperfections all over again, but this time with a new template: Rebbecca. Holden had dated Rebbecca before he and I started dating. After they’d broken up they patched things up to be friends again. I had gotten to know her by now too and so it was easy to compare myself to her. I began asking myself, what does she have that I don’t and how did she use it to attract Holden? What did Holden see in her that he didn’t see in me?

No matter how many different ways I asked myself and Holden these questions I still couldn’t figure out the answer. All our discussions ended up at the same point. Holden would tell me he didn’t love her, that he didn’t even really like her all that much, and that he didn’t know why he’d done it. This reflects the third part of what the authors say about this myth: that “the ‘cheating’ partner gets told that [he] is only ‘acting out’ to get back at [his] primary partner, and [he] really doesn’t want, need or even like [his] lover.” Holden is a product of the same psychological climate as I am and he was fulfilling his part in the myth, just as I was.

The problem this all caused for us, though, is that it didn’t actually get us anywhere. The question of why was never satisfactorily answered. I was able to insert a dozen of my own speculations about the answer, but they all focused on the insecurities I already had and in some cases even confused me over what I was even insecure about in the first place.

What would have been different if Holden had known what polyamory was and had been able to more honestly examine his feelings and identify himself as polyamorous by nature? I know it’s not really fair to speculate on the actual events of the past, but I have to go back and read the experience again through this new filter of understanding I have. For example, I knew Holden was attracted to her well before the actual cheating occurred. I often asked Holden about it for two reasons: one, to make him aware that I knew he was attracted to her, and two, to let him know what types of behavior between them made me uncomfortable. Whenever I brought it up, his answer was the same: “I was attracted to her once, but now we’re just friends and I don’t like her like that anymore.” I accepted his answer, but I never really believed it. I could see the exchange of feelings between their eyes. I saw how he reacted to her flirtations. I knew there was more there than Holden was willing to admit, but I also liked letting myself take comfort in his socially acceptable explanations.

I wonder how Holden’s answers would be different now if I asked him to go back over the story with me, each of us with our new understanding of ourselves. I wonder if he would be able to answer honestly what he found attractive about her, knowing that he doesn’t have to protect me from that pain anymore. It’s been six years since the initial questions were raised and for the first time in six years I may be starting to see how those questions of why that have stayed stuck in the back of my mind could possibly be answered.

It’s unfortunate that the authors’ explanation didn’t really fit entirely with the original myth statement, but I sure got a lot out of it, so I’ll briefly discuss the original myth because I do think it’s important.

One of my biggest concerns when Holden started talking to me in a practical way about polyamory was that he would spend all his time and energy on other relationships and have nothing left, or not enough left for me. I still don’t have any experience with this, but everyone I’ve talked to who does says that love grows the more it’s shared. They assure me that once Holden truly feels free to be the person in love that he needs to be, that he’ll love me all the more for it and that the excitement that charges his new relationships will transfer to ours too. People in poly relationships have told me that primary partners end up having more sex, not less. There’s just that much more sexual energy going around to fuel everybody’s fires. This is one of those concerns that still bothers me just a little because I have yet to experience it for myself. But it’s not going to hold me back from trying polyamory.

As for the idea that outside involvements impede problem-solving, it’s obvious to me that that’s hogwash. If a couple goes about entering a poly relationship with all the care and responsibility they should take with each other, it should only open things up for more communication, more honesty, and more opportunities for bringing up problems. That should aid problem-solving, not impede it.

Right?

-Grace

Stay tuned for the next post, Myth #6: “Swept away by love”

Myth #4: Jealousy is inevitable and impossible to overcome.

I think the fallacy in this one is not in the statement itself, but rather in how we deal with it. Let’s break the myth down into its two parts.

I actually do think that jealousy in some form is inevitable in any relationship. First of all, jealousy is a huge umbrella word that can encompass everything from envy to insecurity to possessiveness. Somewhere along the spectrum of everything that counts as jealousy, it’s almost guaranteed to show up in a relationship one way or another.

Whether anything is impossible to overcome is hard to know. The people I’ve talked to who’ve dealt extensively with jealousy issues have told me that jealousy can definitely be mastered. It takes a lot of difficult personal searching and may take years, but it can be overcome to the point that you’re comfortable embarking on a poly adventure. However, in even the most experienced, self-aware people, it’s always possible for something to unexpectedly trigger those old jealous feelings. Usually when they reappear, they’re not as strong as the first time around, but they do stop you in your tracks. Usually if you’ve gone through the hard work to mitigate jealousy in the first place, you’ll have some tried and trusted methods for dealing with it when it does show up again.

I think in a way that developing these coping methods and using them effectively are a way of overcoming jealousy. What I’ve heard from others is that it is actually impossible to eliminate jealousy completely. But it is possible to manage it, contain it, understand it, and deal with its effects on your life.

There will be a whole chapter dedicated to jealousy later on in The Ethical Slut. I haven’t gotten to it yet, but when I do, you’ll get a full report.

-Grace

Come back next time when I’ll discuss Myth #5: Outside involvements reduce intimacy in the primary relationship and impede problem-solving

Adapted from some of my comments in the mono_poly community on LiveJournal:

A couple of people seem to have a problem with the idea of anybody tearing down the idea of monogamy for the purpose of embracing polyamory. What I’m getting from you is that if someone chooses polyamory over monogamy, they should do so based on the merits of polyamory, not the flaws of monogamy. I don’t disagree with that idea at all, and in fact I think it’s noble.

Unfortunately, it’s a bit unrealistic for someone like myself. I come from a VERY monogamous background. In fact, I love monogamy. I think it’s a beautiful structure with a graceful balance that reflects the duality of the universe. But I also think that there are aspects of our society that use monogamy to trap people, to control them, and to shame them into fitting an arbitrary mold. Someone said earlier that it is wrong for a book like The Ethical Slut to tell newbies that they are victims. But I feel like a victim, and moreso than I, my husband feels like a victim. He has had these feelings that he is supposed to love many people, not just one, his whole life. He has been scolded, cast out, shunned, and outright punished for putting forth the very notion that there might be more options than traditional monogamy. Now, before you jump all over me, please understand that I’m not trying to generalize. I know that not all monogamous people think and act this way. But you’re kidding yourself if you don’t acknowledge that all forms of media, nearly all churches, and just about every organized facet of society look down upon anything that challenges the traditional structure of monogamy.

I am ashamed to say that I was a perpetrator of this intolerant scorn for most of my life. When my husband first brought the idea of polyamory to me, I was furious. Who was he to challenge the great institution of monogamous love? Fortunately my husband was patient and understanding and helped me through the difficult process of cracking the frame that had been built around my mind, and seeing what other possibilities might be available.

I am still in the midst of that breaking down process. In order to really understand polyamory from an objective standpoint, I first have to break down the understanding I’ve always had of the world that was constructed according to a monogamous plan. It’s not as easy as just saying, “monogamy on the one hand, polyamory on the other hand… hmm… I think I’ll choose poly.” There’s a whole process I have to go through of tearing down the old ways my mind was taught to function and building up a new view with the pieces.

I don’t hate monogamy or monogamists. I never will. Reading The Ethical Slut is not going to turn me into a radical mono-hater. But what it is helping me do in its radicalness is take apart the concept of monogamy and examine it piece by piece, challenging every assumed belief and making sure that what I choose to believe is exactly what I’ve CHOSEN, not what somebody else has constructed for me.

In that sense, the book is proving to be very valuable to me. What I hope will happen is that I will come out of this tearing down and rebuilding process with a more balanced and well-rounded understanding of monogamy and polyamory, much like many of you seem to have.

A few people and I simply disagree on the point that certain aspects of society as we know it sometimes considers sexual desire itself to be destructive.

Now, The Ethical Slut does overly generalize, and that is a flaw of the book as I’ve read it so far. But just this week I was listening to the radio and flipped to one of the weekly messages from a Christian pastor aimed at young people. This message was on the subject of “lust.” The definition this pastor gives of lust is “any sexual thought about any person of the opposite sex [this is obviously in an only-hetero-is-acceptable context] .” He does not clarify about your status with that person. He simply warns teens, especially the boys, that seeing any person in a sexual way is wrong and you must train your mind away from those kinds of thoughts. Now, I know that in typical Christian doctrine, sex is considered a healthy gift from God so long as it’s practiced within marriage, but to tell teens straight up that looking at someone with an appreciation for their sexual appeal is patently wrong is an example of what the authors of The Ethical Slut were talking about with this myth.

And what about the idea that “nice girls” aren’t supposed to want sex? Many of us were socialized by our mothers and other women role models that in order to be respectable you are not supposed to desire sex, that it is something you have to put up with because your husband is going to want it, but that sex is generally gross and uncomfortable. Women with any appetite for sex are immediately looked at with suspicion in some circles, as if they’re some sort of threat to the rest of womankind.

If you never felt ashamed for desiring sex I envy you, because for the majority of my life I have felt that if I desired sex I was never supposed to show it. For the longest time, my husband couldn’t understand why I would never initiate sexual contact but would enjoy sex wholeheartedly once he got us started. It was a sad and miserable existence, feeling like I was not allowed to have sexual fantasies for fear of being ridiculed for them, feeling like no matter how much I wanted to be seductive, it wasn’t welcome, and feeling like I was sinning against God for fantasizing about sex.

So I guess a lot of the myths in The Ethical Slut hit home for me. They embody a lot of the personal frustrations I’m trying to get past in my own mind so I can feel more secure in stepping out of the path that was laid out for me by the rest of the world.

-Grace

Myth #3: Loving someone makes it okay to control his/her behavior.

This just screams jealousy and insecurity. People seek to control a partner’s behavior often because they think that if the behavior is eliminated, the feelings that drive the behavior will go away too. By punishing your partner for showing interest in another person, you’re not going to change the fact that your partner finds that person attractive. As the authors wrote in relation to one of the first two myths: “a ring around the finger does not cause a nerve block to the genitals.”

I learned in catechism (yes, there were some good things I learned there) that God gave humans free will because forced worship has no meaning. It’s worthless because it’s not sincere. It’s the same with relationships. Forced fidelity is meaningless and leads to resentment and deceit. The only way a commitment will last is if both partners truly feel committed. If one partner doesn’t feel the same way, there is no way to force those feelings into existence.

This is not to say that partners need not show restraint in how they behave. Boundaries are very important. They need to be discussed and agreed upon by all partners. Sometimes this is tricky and requires some compromise. If an established boundary is no longer working for you, you need to bring that up and discuss it before actually doing anything to push that boundary. You helped make them, you can work together to change them. But simply mandating or forbidding things for the sake of feeling secure is not going to actually create security or safeguard the relationship.

-Grace

Stay tuned for next time when I’ll discuss Myth #4: Jealousy is inevitable and impossible to overcome.

Myth #2: Sexual desire is a destructive force.

The authors of The Ethical Slut give the most common example of this idea appearing in literature, Adam and Eve’s fall from grace in the Garden of Eden. The portrayal of sexual desire as a destructive force - most notably women’s sexual desire - is a common thread through main stream literature and media, from Guinevere and Lancelot to Madame Bovary to Sex and the City. We’re also told that the worst threat to a marriage is an affair. The worst thing a partner can do is cheat on you. Even people who show sexual desire within a committed relationship are sometimes chastised for it.

If sexual desire is ever actually destructive it is because it is acted upon in a deceitful or unsanctioned way. In these cases it is actually the deception that is destructive, not the desire itself. Desire gets the rap for a host of bad behavior: jealousy, possessiveness, deceit, obsession. If we could only accept desire as a positive feeling and learn how to manage it properly, we’d solve one half of the problem. The other half requires that we examine these other things we’re using desire as a scapegoat for and figure out why we’re so caught up on them.

-Grace

Stay tuned for my reflections on Myth #3: Loving someone makes it okay to control his/her behavior

Chapter 3 of The Ethical Slut lists out a collection of myths about monogamy and explains what’s wrong with them. Many of the myths were the basis for my arguments when I was trying to defend monogamy to Holden during our first discussions about it. I’m going to go through them and reflect on each one.

Myth #1: Long-term monogamous relationship are the only real relationships.

This implies that all other relationships are false, that they cannot be fulfilling on their own and only exist to serve as stepping stones to the goal of long-term monogamy. Isn’t that what our parents teach us about dating when we’re teenagers? “Date around, sample what’s out there, then pick one you want to settle down with and marry them.” Even adults who’ve been around the block a few times can be heard exclaiming, “All those others before you didn’t mean a thing to me.” When some of those previous relationships lasted a number of years, the statement sounds especially ludicrous.

Since people who believe this myth see long-term monogamy as the final goal, many of them choose to believe that the hard part is over and they can just sit back and enjoy the ride from now on. This is terribly naive and leaves many people woefully unprepared to deal with real problems that challenge every relationship.

I think a better way to approach the “goal” of a relationship, if it is in fact something you desire, is to think of a relationship as a means to achieving your own personal goals. Ask yourself what you want the relationship to add to your life. Don’t start with any pre-set framework, but list out the abstract things you think a relationship could provide. Do you desire companionship, sexual satisfaction, financial stability, children, freedom, commitment, a partner in crime, a good masseuse? First determine why you want the relationship in the first place, and then establish the parameters that will best allow you to experience all those benefits. Maybe long-term monogamy will fit that best, but maybe not.

-Grace

Stay tuned for my reflections on Myth #2: Sexual desire is a destructive force

I finally started reading The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. They’ve put together such a tight, solid book that it’s going to be really fun for me to unpack some of their ideas and play around with them for a while. For example…

This passage from p. 22 helped me think about a lot of things:

“Ethical sluts recognize the difference between things they can and should control, and things they can’t. While we sometimes may feel jealous or territorial, we own those feelings - doing our best not to blame or control, but asking for the support we need to help ourselves feel safe and cared for.”

There are many important concepts packed into that compact little passage. Regarding control, I’ve been examining my feelings about what I should and should not try to control. Actually, my feelings are at the top of my list of things I’ve always tried to control. There is a good amount of control we should have over our emotions, but one thing I’ve discovered about myself is that I try to control my emotions to the point of not having them. If an emotion or feeling or urge comes over me that my conditioning has taught me is bad, I’ll suppress it, not allowing myself even to experience it internally. I think this comes from my Catholic upbringing, that even our most unbidden thoughts can endanger our immortal souls. Phrases like, “lusting in your heart,” “committing adultery in your mind,” and confessing to a priest about having “impure thoughts” crowd the back of my mind. We were taught to fear our own minds and that if we didn’t have the self control to banish sinful thoughts we could not remain in a state of grace. This extended beyond sex to thoughts of anger, dissatisfaction, envy, and more. So we were taught little mind control habits to replace those bad thoughts with good ones. Our parents and teachers would say, “When you find yourself challenged by impure or lustful thoughts about a boy/girl, imagine a picture of the Holy Family and remind yourself that that’s what you really want.” My mother in particular would always tell me to offer things up for the souls in purgatory.

All of that mind control resulted in a deep well of suppressed emotion, unresolved questions, and fearful self loathing. It also caused me to have a pattern of emotional delay. I feel and express happy emotions immediately at the moment I feel them, but if something upsets me or makes me uncomfortable or dissatisfied, I suppress the emotion until later and fume about it in private. I even find myself turning those feelings inward, criticizing myself for being weak, selfish, and childish. There are times when it’s good to hold onto your emotions and deal with them at a later time, but there are also times when I need to act on my emotion more immediately. I’m learning how to speak up when I need to. I’m also learning that I’m not going to be able to control the emotions that come over me, but that i can control how I let them affect me and also what i can do to prevent the bad ones from popping up in the first place. Being able to identify the emotion is the first stop. Next, pinpointing what caused the emotion will allow me to ask for the support I need to make it better.

-Grace