Can a leopard change her spots?

Myth #5: Outside involvements reduce intimacy in the primary relationship and impede problem solving.

I need to quote extensively from the book on this one because the authors describe exactly what happened to me. They say:

“Most marriage counselors are taught that when a member of an otherwise happily married couple has an ‘affair,’ this must be a symptom of unresolved conflict or unfulfilled needs that should be dealt with in the primary relationship.”

That is exactly what I went through when Holden cheated on me. We weren’t married yet, but we’d been living together for over a year and were as committed to each other as though we were married. There was nothing wrong with our relationship. We were as happy as could be. Looking back on it, Holden agrees with me. We didn’t fight, we shared all our feelings openly, and the sex was hot. Oh boy the sex was hot. We couldn’t get enough of each other. That’s why it puzzled me so badly when Holden confessed that his flirtation with an old girlfriend had gone too far and they’d had sex while I was at a night class. Immediately in my mind, questions of why flooded over me. I asked Holden a million times why. And why now? I could have understood if he and I were having problems. But we weren’t. In fact, for the first time our lives seemed to be bearing the fruits of our labors. He told me all the time how exciting a lover I was and how much he looked forward to seeing me each day. So what was the problem this was all a symptom of? I couldn’t find anything so I turned my search for flaws inward. The authors of The Ethical Slut go on to say:

“It is cruel and insensitive to interpret an affair as a symptom of sickness in the relationship, as it leaves the ‘cheated-on’ partner - who may already be feeling insecure - to wonder what is wrong with [her].”

Bingo! How accurate a description this is of how I began dealing with the aftermath of Holden’s confession. All my insecurities flashed up at me and I began to catalog my imperfections all over again, but this time with a new template: Rebbecca. Holden had dated Rebbecca before he and I started dating. After they’d broken up they patched things up to be friends again. I had gotten to know her by now too and so it was easy to compare myself to her. I began asking myself, what does she have that I don’t and how did she use it to attract Holden? What did Holden see in her that he didn’t see in me?

No matter how many different ways I asked myself and Holden these questions I still couldn’t figure out the answer. All our discussions ended up at the same point. Holden would tell me he didn’t love her, that he didn’t even really like her all that much, and that he didn’t know why he’d done it. This reflects the third part of what the authors say about this myth: that “the ‘cheating’ partner gets told that [he] is only ‘acting out’ to get back at [his] primary partner, and [he] really doesn’t want, need or even like [his] lover.” Holden is a product of the same psychological climate as I am and he was fulfilling his part in the myth, just as I was.

The problem this all caused for us, though, is that it didn’t actually get us anywhere. The question of why was never satisfactorily answered. I was able to insert a dozen of my own speculations about the answer, but they all focused on the insecurities I already had and in some cases even confused me over what I was even insecure about in the first place.

What would have been different if Holden had known what polyamory was and had been able to more honestly examine his feelings and identify himself as polyamorous by nature? I know it’s not really fair to speculate on the actual events of the past, but I have to go back and read the experience again through this new filter of understanding I have. For example, I knew Holden was attracted to her well before the actual cheating occurred. I often asked Holden about it for two reasons: one, to make him aware that I knew he was attracted to her, and two, to let him know what types of behavior between them made me uncomfortable. Whenever I brought it up, his answer was the same: “I was attracted to her once, but now we’re just friends and I don’t like her like that anymore.” I accepted his answer, but I never really believed it. I could see the exchange of feelings between their eyes. I saw how he reacted to her flirtations. I knew there was more there than Holden was willing to admit, but I also liked letting myself take comfort in his socially acceptable explanations.

I wonder how Holden’s answers would be different now if I asked him to go back over the story with me, each of us with our new understanding of ourselves. I wonder if he would be able to answer honestly what he found attractive about her, knowing that he doesn’t have to protect me from that pain anymore. It’s been six years since the initial questions were raised and for the first time in six years I may be starting to see how those questions of why that have stayed stuck in the back of my mind could possibly be answered.

It’s unfortunate that the authors’ explanation didn’t really fit entirely with the original myth statement, but I sure got a lot out of it, so I’ll briefly discuss the original myth because I do think it’s important.

One of my biggest concerns when Holden started talking to me in a practical way about polyamory was that he would spend all his time and energy on other relationships and have nothing left, or not enough left for me. I still don’t have any experience with this, but everyone I’ve talked to who does says that love grows the more it’s shared. They assure me that once Holden truly feels free to be the person in love that he needs to be, that he’ll love me all the more for it and that the excitement that charges his new relationships will transfer to ours too. People in poly relationships have told me that primary partners end up having more sex, not less. There’s just that much more sexual energy going around to fuel everybody’s fires. This is one of those concerns that still bothers me just a little because I have yet to experience it for myself. But it’s not going to hold me back from trying polyamory.

As for the idea that outside involvements impede problem-solving, it’s obvious to me that that’s hogwash. If a couple goes about entering a poly relationship with all the care and responsibility they should take with each other, it should only open things up for more communication, more honesty, and more opportunities for bringing up problems. That should aid problem-solving, not impede it.

Right?

-Grace

Stay tuned for the next post, Myth #6: “Swept away by love”

Myth #3: Loving someone makes it okay to control his/her behavior.

This just screams jealousy and insecurity. People seek to control a partner’s behavior often because they think that if the behavior is eliminated, the feelings that drive the behavior will go away too. By punishing your partner for showing interest in another person, you’re not going to change the fact that your partner finds that person attractive. As the authors wrote in relation to one of the first two myths: “a ring around the finger does not cause a nerve block to the genitals.”

I learned in catechism (yes, there were some good things I learned there) that God gave humans free will because forced worship has no meaning. It’s worthless because it’s not sincere. It’s the same with relationships. Forced fidelity is meaningless and leads to resentment and deceit. The only way a commitment will last is if both partners truly feel committed. If one partner doesn’t feel the same way, there is no way to force those feelings into existence.

This is not to say that partners need not show restraint in how they behave. Boundaries are very important. They need to be discussed and agreed upon by all partners. Sometimes this is tricky and requires some compromise. If an established boundary is no longer working for you, you need to bring that up and discuss it before actually doing anything to push that boundary. You helped make them, you can work together to change them. But simply mandating or forbidding things for the sake of feeling secure is not going to actually create security or safeguard the relationship.

-Grace

Stay tuned for next time when I’ll discuss Myth #4: Jealousy is inevitable and impossible to overcome.

Myth #2: Sexual desire is a destructive force.

The authors of The Ethical Slut give the most common example of this idea appearing in literature, Adam and Eve’s fall from grace in the Garden of Eden. The portrayal of sexual desire as a destructive force - most notably women’s sexual desire - is a common thread through main stream literature and media, from Guinevere and Lancelot to Madame Bovary to Sex and the City. We’re also told that the worst threat to a marriage is an affair. The worst thing a partner can do is cheat on you. Even people who show sexual desire within a committed relationship are sometimes chastised for it.

If sexual desire is ever actually destructive it is because it is acted upon in a deceitful or unsanctioned way. In these cases it is actually the deception that is destructive, not the desire itself. Desire gets the rap for a host of bad behavior: jealousy, possessiveness, deceit, obsession. If we could only accept desire as a positive feeling and learn how to manage it properly, we’d solve one half of the problem. The other half requires that we examine these other things we’re using desire as a scapegoat for and figure out why we’re so caught up on them.

-Grace

Stay tuned for my reflections on Myth #3: Loving someone makes it okay to control his/her behavior

Part 2: The meltdown.

I brought up every point of resistance I could think of and in my panic I wasn’t actually hearing a lot of what Holden said. No matter what he said, all I could hear was “I want to have other partners. I want you to have other partners. I want to share sexual experiences with more than just us.” And in my mind this turned into “I want to have other relationships, date other women besides you. I want to have you here as my wife, steady and dependable and loving, while I go out at night with other women and spend our money on dates and hotel rooms and stuff.” I struggled with the idea of commitment. “Why did you even marry me if you wanted to have other relationships? You KNEW I wanted monogamy. Why didn’t you tell me about this BEFORE we got married?” I felt offended that after all I had sacrificed and how much I fought with my family over our relationship that he wanted to reduce my relationship with him to “one of many.” “What do you MEAN you love your friends much the same way you love me?! What, so that makes me little more than your friend?! I’m your WIFE!!!”

I worked myself into such a frenzy that I took a couple of days off work. Having the time to calm down a bit, I thought long and hard about what this could possibly mean to our marriage and worked out a few scenarios. I had a million questions. How big a part of his personality was this? Couldn’t he just feel that way but choose not to act on it? What was so wrong with just being friends with these people? If it did turn out to be something so ingrained in his psyche, could I expect him to stay monogamous? If I asked him to, he probably would, but would he resent me in a few years? We’ve always talked about these kinds of things up front, holding nothing back, even knowing it might hurt. But if he felt like he couldn’t talk to me and get my permission would he take it “underground” and cheat on me behind my back? What would life be like if I DID agree to let him take other lovers? Would he want to spend time with them when he’s normally spending time with me? Would he be there for me as dependably as he has always been? If I’m in an accident, will I know how to contact him for help, and would he come to help me? Who would these other women be? How could I know he was being safe? Would I have to require that he get a new STD test after every encounter with another woman? I’d want him to. Even if they’re women I know, you don’t always know what they’re carrying. Could I trust him to use a condom? A dental dam? A female condom? EVERY TIME??? And what happens when we have kids?! *twitch* *twitch* *BOOM* (My head asplode.)

I started writing down my options as I saw them at that point:

Option 1: I could take a hardline approach, put my foot down, and say he has to honor the original agreement. Absolutely nothing extramarital allowed. I would have to assert the ultimatum that he’d lose me entirely if he did have an affair - and I’d have to be willing to stand by that. Even after we’ve had children. All the while I was contemplating this option, I was asking myself, “Could I really be considering ending my marriage?”

Option 2: I could take a hardline approach to safety. Lay down ground rules that would give me control over the whole situation. I mean every aspect. Here would be the rules:

1. Sexual encounters he has with other women would happen in my house while I am present in another room.
2. He and his partner must provide results of an HIV/AIDS/STD test to me in person. The female participant must also show me proof of continued use of birth control pills or other chemical contraception.
3. A female condom must be used for all penetration.
4. A dental dam must be used for all cunnilingus.
5. A male condom must be used for fellatio.
6. He is only allowed to orgasm into a condom - nowhere else.
7. She will be required to take the morning after pill under my supervision.
8. They will be responsible for washing all bed linens and remaking the bed to exactly as it was before the encounter.

Oh who am I kidding? There’s no way that would possibly work. Wait… ah, sabotage!!!

No. Well… no.

I CAN’T BELIEVE I CAN EVEN BE CONSIDERING “GRANTING PERMISSION” FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS!!! Any other woman would kick him to the curb!

Neither Option 1 nor Option 2 were really viable options.

I came up with a third option when I started thinking that things don’t necessarily have to be so absolute. I started to consider a temporary separation. Let him understand how serious I am and how much he stands to lose. Let him weigh the options and make his decision. Let him suffer a little the way he’s making me suffer right now. I have no intention of being a doormat. He’s going to have to understand that this could end us once and for all.

What would happen if we were temporarily separated? Would I give him a free pass to go “get it out of his sytem?” Would I set a time frame for it or just say “come back when you’re ready to be married?” And actually I would probably be the one leaving because he would have to stay at his job.

The timing of all this drama was especially bad because we had been planning a trip to see all our friends over the weekend. Great, now not only would I have to suck it up and put on a brave face, but I’d also be analyzing every move, every look, every giggle exchanged between Holden and our female friends.

Stay tuned for part 3: the trip to the city.

I’ve been waiting for the right time before posting here. Grace has been asking me to contribute but I wanted to allow her some time to introduce herself and the situation. This is her blog after all. She’s now introduced me, very flatteringly I must add, and posted about the low point of our history (something I asked her to do). So I felt now would be a good time to add a few of my own words.

At this point I’m sure there must be many varying opinions about me. Not the least prevalent being that I’m just looking for an excuse to have sex with whomever I want. This is the standard gut reaction of most that don’t understand polyamory. I’m not interested in random “hook-ups” but in further developing relationships with people I care about.

It has been a long time in understanding my own feelings and discovering that I’m polyamorous.

I should take a moment to point out that when I say I’m polyamorous it does not mean that I’m currently in a polyamorous relationship. I mean it in much the same way someone might call themselves bisexual. It is a part of who I am. One can be bisexual and still be in a monogamous relationship, just as I can be in a monogamous relationship being a polyamorous person. Grace and I are still discussing and discovering our desires and limits before any changes occur.

I’ve always been very openly and physically affectionate with close friends. Through high school and into my early years of college I felt attraction toward my closest friends similar to what I would feel toward a girlfriend, but for a long time I tried to ignore the feelings thinking that it was simply a biological male drive to find as many mates as possible. I flirted and became close with others, but nothing beyond what most would still consider acceptable physical behavior between friends.

The betrayal occurred a little more than a year into my relationship with Grace. I see it as the most shameful moment in my life. I was sick after and unable to function, I stayed home from work and told Grace everything that night. This of course reinforced in me that any feelings I had for others were terribly wrong and I again tried to push it completely out of my mind.

However, nearly two years later, when I finally allowed myself to examine these feelings I found that it was more than a sexual drive. I desired developed relationships with others. More importantly I wanted Grace to be involved in those additional relationships.

It wasn’t until nearly a year after Grace and I were married that I began to understand these feelings, and it took me even longer to be able to express them to Grace. There were many failed attempts and tears as I tried to explain how much I loved her and how my feelings for others in no way diminish my feelings for her. I only recently even became aware that the term polyamory existed, so attempting to explain my feelings took a long time.

Now we are viewing it as a way of developing together and becoming even closer in our relationship. I love Grace more than anything in the world, and through this process I’m working to make that even more evident. By sharing more openly my feelings and desires and encouraging Grace to do the same I believe we become even closer.

I will continue to contribute my thoughts from time to time as we make our way through it all together.

-Holden

I haven’t spoken with anyone else about this, but I will do my best to find some other people who were put in the same position I was and get their perspective. The moment that Holden told me that he wanted us to consider a poly lifestyle caused a major crisis for me. I’ll do my best to explain the crisis in my three part series entitled:

OMG WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! No… no wait… maybe not.

When I married Holden, I did not know that he was a polyamorous person. I don’t think he honestly knew how to identify himself at that point. I believe the realization of what to call himself is a relatively recent thing. But as he began going through the process to understand himself in that way (must remember to ask Holden to describe that for me) he would bring up questions, frustrations, and ponderings he was having about sexuality, relationships, fidelity, and so on. However, because of my beliefs about marriage and monogamy, and because he had committed himself to respect my wishes, he continuously reassured me that he intended to remain faithful to his promise of monogamy to me.

Within a year of getting married, Holden started expressing his frustration at people’s reactions to him when they found out he was married. He said he didn’t feel “changed” by marriage, that he still enjoyed flirting and being open to talking about sex. Friends he had previously flirted with or been frank with in discussions started scolding him saying things like “You’re married, you’re not supposed to talk like that!” We both enjoy going out to dance clubs and dancing with all sorts of different people. But now that Holden was wearing a wedding ring, he found that nobody approached him to ask him to dance, and those he did approach sometimes looked at him as if they were scolding him for cheating on his wife.

A little later, maybe a year after we’d gotten married, Holden brought up the idea that he didn’t agree with the concept of monogamy, that it didn’t seem natural to him and that if circumstances were different (ie. had he not married a monogamous person and promised to be monogamous) he would probably not be monogamous. In my mind, at the time, this felt really scary. Giant red neon lights with ominous air raid sirens went off in my head screaming, “He wants to cheat! He doesn’t think you’re enough for him! You’re going to lose him! Danger! Danger!” I got very defensive because I was so scared that this was his veiled way of telling me that he wasn’t happy being married to me. The conversation spiraled into a crying jag for me, and Holden feeling very sorry for ever having brought it up.

Holden kept reassuring me that he was only thinking philosophically and that it didn’t mean he wanted to change anything about our relationship. Each time he brought it up I would defend my monogamous position. “It’s safe, both emotionally and biologically. I mean, I don’t have to tell you about all the diseases people have. And you can never really be safe just using condoms (shout-out to my mom!). Besides, opening up a relationship to other people just opens us up to be hurt (read: opens ME up to be hurt) and why invite trouble? Why make yourself vulnerable to all these problems if you’re already happy and satisfied in the relationship you’ve got?” To me, monogamy meant security. It was my way of feeling like I had some control in the relationship. At the same time, though, I wanted to encourage Holden to think freely, to really explore his feelings, and be true to what he feels is right for him. So far, he’d always said that was me.

Flash forward a bit to about a month ago. Holden had convinced me that I was what he wanted, which meant to me that he was still willing to maintain monogamy so I had calmed down. Meanwhile, all this time he had been reading things, and talking to friends who had some experience with non-traditional or non-monogamous relationships. He became increasingly frustrated and scared because he couldn’t talk to me about it without me dissolving into tears. In reality, it was just one of many frustrations (life or lack thereof in a small town, the inability to see our old friends from college in the city, feeling like he can’t be himself among the wholesome Christian people here, and there not being any people our age around here who weren’t into NASCAR and country music.) All in all he wasn’t himself and his angry attitude and the grumpy way he slouched around the house made it all the more clear to me that we needed a change. We had already decided to move to a larger city in the same state, so that was resolved. Why wasn’t he feeling better? Why wasn’t he motivated to find a job in that new city and looking forward to the more active lifestyle we could have there?

His lack of improvement puzzled me and I started asking him about it more and more. I wanted to help. I wanted him to talk to me, to tell me why he was so angry and withdrawn. Here was the master of open communication, who’d taught me that problems only fester until you talk about them, bottling himself up and quite frankly driving me crazy. Finally, one day I picked a fight with him, just to get him to start communicating with me. I didn’t care at that point if we ended up screaming at each other, I just wanted whatever was bothering him out in the open. So I poked and prodded him, I egged him on, got snarky, and finally he started to unload what was really bothering him. I listened as he begrudgingly told me how much he felt he’d been suppressing himself because he couldn’t express the part of his personality that is polyamorous.

I panicked. In my head I had thought all this was resolved. I thought we’d moved on to new problems, that we’d already decided monogamy was for us, end of story. This began a week-long freak out for me. (I know, I’m such a whiny little bitch.)

Read on to part 2 to read about my melt-down.