False positives revealed?

As I’ve been thinking back about my feelings over the past year, and the so called achievements I made in personal growth, I’ve had to confront the fact that many of the signs that I was learning to overcome my jealousy were not really there at all.

It’s been hard to admit to myself but the times I thought I was feeling compersion or at the very least feeling happy that things were working out for Holden and his girlfriend were really based on my own insecurities being placated, not out of a mature sense of relationship freedom.  For a long time Holden’s girlfriend said or implied that she wanted some form of relationship with me as well as Holden; that she wanted more than friendship with me, whatever shape we decided that would take.  I was very confused about my feelings and admittedly made it difficult for anything to be done about that, but the feeling of being wanted and desired was there. Looking back, I realize now that the times I thought I was feeling compersion were actually times when I felt wanted and desired by both Holden and his girlfriend. The situation had to involve her showing something for me in order for me to feel secure. Even if it was just that she wanted me there as a friend and wanted me involved in whatever they were doing socially, that made a difference. Though, those weren’t quite as powerful as the times when she showed me how much she desired me sexually.  Holden, meanwhile, has always made me feel desired and wanted, and he was very keen on the idea of having me fully involved in the relationship with his girlfriend, to whatever level we wanted to take that.  He frequently said that even when he and his girlfriend were sharing something special, he had a feeling of wanting me there too. He didn’t want to be with her to the exclusion of me. He wanted us both there and involved at the same time. That’s impossible now, because she decided she doesn’t want to pursue anything beyond a basic platonic friendship with me, which makes it very hard to think of being around the two of them. Holden would be able to be affectionate and flirtatious with her, or with me, but not both, and she and I would have to keep things on a strictly platonic non-sexual level. Talk about awkward. I want no part of a situation in which I have to be around people being playfully sexual and flirtatious but not be allowed to participate in that.

Anyway, now that the door is closed on that possibility, I’ve been very discouraged about how difficult it is for me to feel happy for Holden. The sense that he is desired and happy and has positive experiences with her should make me happy, but instead I end up feeling left out, left behind, and inadequate, all of which stir up the self doubt that grips me.

There are many complex issues involved here, but the simplified version is that before, I thought this extra relationship was something for me as well as for Holden.  Now that it’s just for Holden I can’t seem to bring myself to be happy with it, or sometimes even tolerate it.

Right now I’m at a loss for how to become happy about it.  I’m feeling so far away from compersion that it doesn’t even feel possible right now.  I keep looking at the situation and trying to see how I can rationalize it to myself that I should be happy for Holden and that this whole setup has benefits for everyone, not just those directly involved.

The ideal I’m trying to reach is this: to feel genuine compersion for Holden, to feel selfless joy at seeing him happy, without requiring the situation to directly benefit me.

That’s feeling somewhat unattainable at the moment, so the mid-range goal I have in the meantime is just to feel okay with Holden’s relationship and not feel slighted or robbed of time and intimacy with him. I want to get my insecurities under control so I don’t feel threatened and panicky every time they spend time together.

There’s a lot that goes into the background of all of that. But realizing that I was wrong when I thought I was doing so well at accepting everything has shown me just how much further I have to go in my personal development to be able to have a successful and satisfying relationship with my husband.

It’s going to be a long hard slog. I’ll do my best to write about it all here.

-Grace

“A Very Nice Weekend” from Grace’s Perspective

It was, in fact, a VERY nice weekend! I am feeling a renewed sense of strength in my relationship with Holden, in Holden’s commitment to do this right, and in my own ability to navigate my emotions. I guess I’ll dive right in to the post.

First of all, remember how I talked earlier about the sort of two levels of friendship in my life? Well, Josie is one of those who’s in the closer set, the ones I trust most and would most likely feel most comfortable inviting into our relationship. The two of them had always had a flirtatious relationship and unlike with other girls, it never bothered me as much with Josie because of what good friends she and I were. She showed me through her actions and in her willingness to be open in discussions that she was genuinely a good friend and also that she wasn’t interested in coming between me and Holden, but rather wanted both of us as parts of her life. If she was sexually attracted to Holden, she never turned that into jealousy of me or acted like I was some kind of threat. Because of her already positive temperament, it didn’t bother me as much that Holden was attracted to her and enjoyed flirting with her.

Before Josie arrived, I talked with Holden about what he hoped for in his relationship with her. He told me that as much as he likes her and as fun and rewarding as it could be to start something more romantic from their friendship, it’s probably not possible due to the current circumstances and he was perfectly fine with that. He didn’t want to pursue anything he knew she wouldn’t be able to commit to. On the other hand, he was looking forward to being able to flirt with her openly.

As good as I felt about Josie and as hopeful I was that this time the communication between me and Holden beforehand would result in a better experience with this visit, I was still a little anxious about things. Even though I knew Holden wasn’t planning to pursue anything more than a flirtatious friendship, I also knew that he could be impulsive and I worried that he might get carried away once they were “in the moment” so to speak. It sounds silly looking back on it now, but I really feared the idea that things would heat up between them while I wasn’t around and I’d be the last to know. Putting my faith in open communication again, I talked with Holden about this. Specifically, I wanted to be with him when he went to pick her up. Some little part of my insecurity drilled away in my brain about things like, “It’s been a long time since they’ve seen each other. They’ll be so happy to see each other that they’ll hug a little longer than usual and maybe that moment will spark some deeper emotion in them and he’ll have her in his arms anyway so he might just lean down and kiss her impulsively! Then there’s the long drive back to our house during which they’d have time to talk about their longing for each other and they’d even have time to square up their story to me to keep me from knowing that they’d gone too far!”

Did I mention that my insecure inner voice is straight out of a Victorian novel? For some reason my insecurity always wants to use words like “betrayal” and “forsaken” and “impropriety.” Completely annoying.

As it worked out I was able to be there to pick her up and we had a really nice happy car ride back home. Then we had a really nice happy dinner together. Then I realized that this trip was unlikely to become anything but really nice and happy! Josie was here to see ME after all too, so it wasn’t like the two of them would want to be sneaking off alone anywhere to “pick up where they’d left off.” There wasn’t anything left off to pick up! If anything was going to happen, I was going to be involved from the start, and that felt great.

There was even a moment that might have been my first glimpse of what compersion might feel like. I’m still not sure I’d call what I felt compersion exactly, but it was more a certain level of comfort and trust that surprised me at the time and sort of left me in a daze afterward, but a nice daze.

Holden and Josie and I had come back from some excursion somewhere, probably out to eat, and we had lit the fireplace. The three of us are all ticklish and of course, as always happens at one point or another with us, someone started a tickle fight. In the past, my feelings had been hurt when Holden would have tickle fights with other girls, but not include me. Later I found out that it wasn’t him that was excluding me, but the other girl. This time, though, Josie and I teamed up against Holden and he didn’t have a chance!

When none of us could breathe, we all collapsed onto the couch, Holden in the middle, and Josie and I on either side of him. I didn’t even notice it at first, but both Josie and I had our heads on Holden’s shoulders and he had a hand on each of our shoulders. When I noticed, I glanced up to Holden’s face and he smiled at me, kissed me on the forehead, and squeezed my shoulder. I turned my eyes down toward Josie, who was dreamily watching the fireplace. I was most surprised by the absense of certain emotions, not necessarily the presence of anything new. I always knew that Josie and Holden had affectionate feelings for each other, both as really good friends, and also with some attraction between them. But when I expected to feel jealous and threatened and panicky, I looked to those parts of my psyche, and they were empty! Just… nothing there. The lack of fear was actually really disorienting! I wasn’t quite sure what to do with the void at first. I looked around, took it all in, and started creating new thoughts and feelings to go there. I didn’t worry too much at the time about thinking it through and defining things. I didn’t really have words to describe what I was feeling (and still don’t) but it was more or less just a feeling of “This is ok. This is not scary like I thought it would be. There she is and here I am. I feel love from Holden and I feel friendly affection and sisterhood from Josie. I feel respect from Josie. I don’t feel competition. I feel joy in a shared moment.” The rush of new feelings really knocked me off balance in a way I never expected. It was like the rush of a roller coaster leaving you breathless and wobbly legged as you step out of the seat.

I will admit there was one moment of paranoia that crept in sometime during the weekend. It turned out to be absolutely silly and that’s how I dispelled it for myself, but I’ll describe it for you anyway. At the very least you’ll probably get a laugh out of it.

I went into the bathroom to take a shower and I could hear Holden and Josie laughing and talking through the door. I took a 20 minute shower and when I was done, I couldn’t hear them through the door anymore. I wondered, “What could they be doing that’s so quiet?” Immediately, that stupid jealous voice that knots my stomach up chimed in with, “What if they’re kissing?! What if they’re spread out on the bed touching each other?!” I was embarrassed for myself over even HAVING these thoughts, much less acting on them, but there I was, my ear to the inside of the bathroom door, certain I was going to hear little moans of pleasure or the soft smack of a surreptitious kiss. Then I mentally whacked myself for going all “Victorian” again, took a deep breath while donning my bathrobe, and stepped out into the hallway to see Josie in the bedroom by herself, reading a newspaper online. Holden wasn’t even in the room! In fact, he was in the kitchen making lunch or something for all of us! Another mental whack upside the head, and I was back to feeling fine.

So the whole visit was really warm and fuzzy. Holden and I went to bed each night super happy to be alone with each other and just revel in the closeness we felt with each other at how well everything was going. We were both really sad to see Josie go back home.

A few days later Holden brought up an idea to me. He asked how I would feel about having a poly relationship that didn’t include sex. He described it as having greater affection between partners, showing love with cuddles and kisses and perhaps touching and fondling and pleasure, but not going as far as actually going to bed together. Of course, that was what I had in mind as perhaps the second stage of a poly relationship as I’d see it anyway, so I told him that would probably be cool, as long as all our other requirements come with it: open communication, concern for all people’s feelings, a commitment to go only as far as everyone’s comfortable with, etc. He didn’t say specifically whether he meant that to be about Josie, but from what we both know about her and about other particular restrictions that would have to be considered, it was more or less understood that it probably applied to her. We didn’t have time to go into it further at that time, but I can honestly say that at this moment, I would be ready to have that discussion with Josie.

I’m not sure where all this is going to go, but I’m ready for the discussion if it comes up, and that feels like a huge tiny step.