Feeling badly represented in literature

A couple weeks ago I picked up The Literary Companion to Sex. I felt it would be a fun cross between my erotica browsing efforts and my college degree.  I finally flipped it open the other day. The book is arranged as short snippets of sections from important works of literature that deal with sex. It starts in the ancient world with the Bible and important Greek and Roman writers and progresses forward through history.

I started to get really depressed when I realized that most of the stories that weren’t sophomoric bawdy jokes were about someone finding intense pleasure from having sex with someone he/she was not supposed to be having sex with. Now, don’t get me wrong, I get that that’s a pretty potent fantasy and a real kicker in reality. But it was discouraging that THIS was the way “exciting” sex has been portrayed through literary history.

What bothered me about it was not the fact that the already espoused person was seeking sex outside his/her marriage, but that the stories made the cuckolded spouse out to be, well, a cuckold! He/she was either dull or sexually deficient, which caused the cheating spouse to seek more diverting company, or terribly oppressive, which drove the philanderer into more loving and accepting arms. That is, if he/she is even mentioned at all!

Thing is, if I were to try and relate any of these stories to my situation, I’m presumably in the role of the dull/oppressive/deficient spouse sitting at home while my dallying husband goes off to seek greener pastures.

What depressed me about it even more was that because this is the standard for literature through the ages, readers respond to this either pitiable or hated character and then apply the same response to monogamous partners of polyamorous spouses. If people aren’t pitying us for being the victims of an inconsiderate spouse, they’re blaming us and saying we must not have sweet enough honey to keep the bee at home.

Where’s the literature that shows a strong, honest couple whose relationship allows for exciting variety in the marriage?  Where’s the story about a person being empowered and defeating insecurity in the process of sharing his/her spouse with another? Where’s the story of the mono-partnered spouse getting turned on by his/her partner’s extra-marital adventures?

I refuse to be associated with the soggy Charles Bovary or the bitter soul-killing spouse in Written on the Body.

I am a passionate, vibrant, sensual person who is adored by my spouse, dammit! Oh I have room to grow and challenges to overcome, but our story is not one of escape and deceit and resignation. It is full of passion in all directions. It is built on a strong foundation, nearly 10 years’ worth of sexual energy between us that is still expanding to include more diverse interests. Holden did not go seeking a mistress because his passion for me had fizzled out. He did it in part to flare up the passion he already felt for me.

Right now I feel kind of alone in this. I feel like my story is lonely among the conventional love stories of our culture. One of my greatest fears is that while I didn’t start out like those characters I pity and despise and yet sympathize with, that I will become one of them, that I’m on my way there already and just don’t know it yet.

I guess that’s all the more reason to make sure I stay strong and vibrant and passionate. Being able to see what I don’t want for myself is an excellent motivator toward becoming what I do want.

And in the meantime, if you know of any stories, movies, or plays that present a spouse who shares his/her partner with other lovers and maintains the strength and love of the original relationship, please PLEASE share it with me here, either in a comment below or via email at monopolyblog@gmail.com.

-Grace

False positives revealed?

As I’ve been thinking back about my feelings over the past year, and the so called achievements I made in personal growth, I’ve had to confront the fact that many of the signs that I was learning to overcome my jealousy were not really there at all.

It’s been hard to admit to myself but the times I thought I was feeling compersion or at the very least feeling happy that things were working out for Holden and his girlfriend were really based on my own insecurities being placated, not out of a mature sense of relationship freedom.  For a long time Holden’s girlfriend said or implied that she wanted some form of relationship with me as well as Holden; that she wanted more than friendship with me, whatever shape we decided that would take.  I was very confused about my feelings and admittedly made it difficult for anything to be done about that, but the feeling of being wanted and desired was there. Looking back, I realize now that the times I thought I was feeling compersion were actually times when I felt wanted and desired by both Holden and his girlfriend. The situation had to involve her showing something for me in order for me to feel secure. Even if it was just that she wanted me there as a friend and wanted me involved in whatever they were doing socially, that made a difference. Though, those weren’t quite as powerful as the times when she showed me how much she desired me sexually.  Holden, meanwhile, has always made me feel desired and wanted, and he was very keen on the idea of having me fully involved in the relationship with his girlfriend, to whatever level we wanted to take that.  He frequently said that even when he and his girlfriend were sharing something special, he had a feeling of wanting me there too. He didn’t want to be with her to the exclusion of me. He wanted us both there and involved at the same time. That’s impossible now, because she decided she doesn’t want to pursue anything beyond a basic platonic friendship with me, which makes it very hard to think of being around the two of them. Holden would be able to be affectionate and flirtatious with her, or with me, but not both, and she and I would have to keep things on a strictly platonic non-sexual level. Talk about awkward. I want no part of a situation in which I have to be around people being playfully sexual and flirtatious but not be allowed to participate in that.

Anyway, now that the door is closed on that possibility, I’ve been very discouraged about how difficult it is for me to feel happy for Holden. The sense that he is desired and happy and has positive experiences with her should make me happy, but instead I end up feeling left out, left behind, and inadequate, all of which stir up the self doubt that grips me.

There are many complex issues involved here, but the simplified version is that before, I thought this extra relationship was something for me as well as for Holden.  Now that it’s just for Holden I can’t seem to bring myself to be happy with it, or sometimes even tolerate it.

Right now I’m at a loss for how to become happy about it.  I’m feeling so far away from compersion that it doesn’t even feel possible right now.  I keep looking at the situation and trying to see how I can rationalize it to myself that I should be happy for Holden and that this whole setup has benefits for everyone, not just those directly involved.

The ideal I’m trying to reach is this: to feel genuine compersion for Holden, to feel selfless joy at seeing him happy, without requiring the situation to directly benefit me.

That’s feeling somewhat unattainable at the moment, so the mid-range goal I have in the meantime is just to feel okay with Holden’s relationship and not feel slighted or robbed of time and intimacy with him. I want to get my insecurities under control so I don’t feel threatened and panicky every time they spend time together.

There’s a lot that goes into the background of all of that. But realizing that I was wrong when I thought I was doing so well at accepting everything has shown me just how much further I have to go in my personal development to be able to have a successful and satisfying relationship with my husband.

It’s going to be a long hard slog. I’ll do my best to write about it all here.

-Grace

Feeling Abundance

Something I’ve learned about myself is that I need to feel like my life with Holden is abundant and full and happy in order to feel okay about his secondary relationship. There have been times in the past couple of months when I felt like sharing him was taking something away from me or our marriage. Those times felt like something was scarce and valuable and I was reluctant to share him with anyone else fot fear I’d be getting less of what I need or desire. But when I feel like our marriage is strong and that I have everything I need and more, I feel like I have it to spare to give them an evening together.  I feel like there’s no way this secondary relationship would be a threat because look how good Holden’s primary relationship is with me.

I realize in saying that that it’s actually a rather insecure attitude to have.  It smacks of a need to be propped up and I should be secure enough and confident enough to not need to feel like our relationship is superior.  Or rather, that I shouldn’t need to be reminded of it all the time.

But I’m not that evolved, it seems.  Maybe I’ll get there someday.

What is positive about this, though, is that I can ask Holden to help remind me of how important our marriage is and why ours is the primary relationship.  It’s not just a matter of years, though that’s a simple way of putting it.  When I’m feeling down and insecure it does help to hear it from him that I’m his wife and his primary partner not just because we’ve been together so long, but because we’re the best fit for each other in those ways.  I like to be able to give him concrete things he can do to help me feel secure, and that’s a good one.

Meanwhile, look forward to a post about fantasies and erotica; specifically, how to reclaim your fantasy life when the person who sparked your strongest fantasies walks away.

Not that I have any answers about that. I’m actually hoping you will, faithful readers!

-Grace

“A Very Nice Weekend” from Grace’s Perspective

It was, in fact, a VERY nice weekend! I am feeling a renewed sense of strength in my relationship with Holden, in Holden’s commitment to do this right, and in my own ability to navigate my emotions. I guess I’ll dive right in to the post.

First of all, remember how I talked earlier about the sort of two levels of friendship in my life? Well, Josie is one of those who’s in the closer set, the ones I trust most and would most likely feel most comfortable inviting into our relationship. The two of them had always had a flirtatious relationship and unlike with other girls, it never bothered me as much with Josie because of what good friends she and I were. She showed me through her actions and in her willingness to be open in discussions that she was genuinely a good friend and also that she wasn’t interested in coming between me and Holden, but rather wanted both of us as parts of her life. If she was sexually attracted to Holden, she never turned that into jealousy of me or acted like I was some kind of threat. Because of her already positive temperament, it didn’t bother me as much that Holden was attracted to her and enjoyed flirting with her.

Before Josie arrived, I talked with Holden about what he hoped for in his relationship with her. He told me that as much as he likes her and as fun and rewarding as it could be to start something more romantic from their friendship, it’s probably not possible due to the current circumstances and he was perfectly fine with that. He didn’t want to pursue anything he knew she wouldn’t be able to commit to. On the other hand, he was looking forward to being able to flirt with her openly.

As good as I felt about Josie and as hopeful I was that this time the communication between me and Holden beforehand would result in a better experience with this visit, I was still a little anxious about things. Even though I knew Holden wasn’t planning to pursue anything more than a flirtatious friendship, I also knew that he could be impulsive and I worried that he might get carried away once they were “in the moment” so to speak. It sounds silly looking back on it now, but I really feared the idea that things would heat up between them while I wasn’t around and I’d be the last to know. Putting my faith in open communication again, I talked with Holden about this. Specifically, I wanted to be with him when he went to pick her up. Some little part of my insecurity drilled away in my brain about things like, “It’s been a long time since they’ve seen each other. They’ll be so happy to see each other that they’ll hug a little longer than usual and maybe that moment will spark some deeper emotion in them and he’ll have her in his arms anyway so he might just lean down and kiss her impulsively! Then there’s the long drive back to our house during which they’d have time to talk about their longing for each other and they’d even have time to square up their story to me to keep me from knowing that they’d gone too far!”

Did I mention that my insecure inner voice is straight out of a Victorian novel? For some reason my insecurity always wants to use words like “betrayal” and “forsaken” and “impropriety.” Completely annoying.

As it worked out I was able to be there to pick her up and we had a really nice happy car ride back home. Then we had a really nice happy dinner together. Then I realized that this trip was unlikely to become anything but really nice and happy! Josie was here to see ME after all too, so it wasn’t like the two of them would want to be sneaking off alone anywhere to “pick up where they’d left off.” There wasn’t anything left off to pick up! If anything was going to happen, I was going to be involved from the start, and that felt great.

There was even a moment that might have been my first glimpse of what compersion might feel like. I’m still not sure I’d call what I felt compersion exactly, but it was more a certain level of comfort and trust that surprised me at the time and sort of left me in a daze afterward, but a nice daze.

Holden and Josie and I had come back from some excursion somewhere, probably out to eat, and we had lit the fireplace. The three of us are all ticklish and of course, as always happens at one point or another with us, someone started a tickle fight. In the past, my feelings had been hurt when Holden would have tickle fights with other girls, but not include me. Later I found out that it wasn’t him that was excluding me, but the other girl. This time, though, Josie and I teamed up against Holden and he didn’t have a chance!

When none of us could breathe, we all collapsed onto the couch, Holden in the middle, and Josie and I on either side of him. I didn’t even notice it at first, but both Josie and I had our heads on Holden’s shoulders and he had a hand on each of our shoulders. When I noticed, I glanced up to Holden’s face and he smiled at me, kissed me on the forehead, and squeezed my shoulder. I turned my eyes down toward Josie, who was dreamily watching the fireplace. I was most surprised by the absense of certain emotions, not necessarily the presence of anything new. I always knew that Josie and Holden had affectionate feelings for each other, both as really good friends, and also with some attraction between them. But when I expected to feel jealous and threatened and panicky, I looked to those parts of my psyche, and they were empty! Just… nothing there. The lack of fear was actually really disorienting! I wasn’t quite sure what to do with the void at first. I looked around, took it all in, and started creating new thoughts and feelings to go there. I didn’t worry too much at the time about thinking it through and defining things. I didn’t really have words to describe what I was feeling (and still don’t) but it was more or less just a feeling of “This is ok. This is not scary like I thought it would be. There she is and here I am. I feel love from Holden and I feel friendly affection and sisterhood from Josie. I feel respect from Josie. I don’t feel competition. I feel joy in a shared moment.” The rush of new feelings really knocked me off balance in a way I never expected. It was like the rush of a roller coaster leaving you breathless and wobbly legged as you step out of the seat.

I will admit there was one moment of paranoia that crept in sometime during the weekend. It turned out to be absolutely silly and that’s how I dispelled it for myself, but I’ll describe it for you anyway. At the very least you’ll probably get a laugh out of it.

I went into the bathroom to take a shower and I could hear Holden and Josie laughing and talking through the door. I took a 20 minute shower and when I was done, I couldn’t hear them through the door anymore. I wondered, “What could they be doing that’s so quiet?” Immediately, that stupid jealous voice that knots my stomach up chimed in with, “What if they’re kissing?! What if they’re spread out on the bed touching each other?!” I was embarrassed for myself over even HAVING these thoughts, much less acting on them, but there I was, my ear to the inside of the bathroom door, certain I was going to hear little moans of pleasure or the soft smack of a surreptitious kiss. Then I mentally whacked myself for going all “Victorian” again, took a deep breath while donning my bathrobe, and stepped out into the hallway to see Josie in the bedroom by herself, reading a newspaper online. Holden wasn’t even in the room! In fact, he was in the kitchen making lunch or something for all of us! Another mental whack upside the head, and I was back to feeling fine.

So the whole visit was really warm and fuzzy. Holden and I went to bed each night super happy to be alone with each other and just revel in the closeness we felt with each other at how well everything was going. We were both really sad to see Josie go back home.

A few days later Holden brought up an idea to me. He asked how I would feel about having a poly relationship that didn’t include sex. He described it as having greater affection between partners, showing love with cuddles and kisses and perhaps touching and fondling and pleasure, but not going as far as actually going to bed together. Of course, that was what I had in mind as perhaps the second stage of a poly relationship as I’d see it anyway, so I told him that would probably be cool, as long as all our other requirements come with it: open communication, concern for all people’s feelings, a commitment to go only as far as everyone’s comfortable with, etc. He didn’t say specifically whether he meant that to be about Josie, but from what we both know about her and about other particular restrictions that would have to be considered, it was more or less understood that it probably applied to her. We didn’t have time to go into it further at that time, but I can honestly say that at this moment, I would be ready to have that discussion with Josie.

I’m not sure where all this is going to go, but I’m ready for the discussion if it comes up, and that feels like a huge tiny step.

Guest Blogger: Holden – “Rules of Attraction”

Holden speaks… again:

So first off I want to apologize for not having contributed much here thus far. I hope to remedy that in the coming weeks and months.

Also, apologies for the long silence here. Grace and I have been rather busy lately with several other aspects of life and have not had the time more recently to discuss as much as we’d like nor the time to post about what we have discussed.

So tonight, a positive update. Better understanding each other:

A few weeks back we were discussing attraction. I wanted to know what Grace might be looking for in potential partners, what she would be looking for in partners for me, and Grace wanted to know what specifically I found attractive about people I had expressed interest in. I started to relate how I was attracted to the drive of one, and the similarities in my childhood and how we both feel about society with another, and various other character traits that I found attractive in them. Grace asked again what I found attractive about them, and I looked at her questioningly. I responded saying that the things I had already mentioned attracted me to them. Grace asked more directly then: “But what do you find physically or sexually attractive about them?”

Understanding better now, though still somewhat confused I mentioned a few of the physical aspects that I liked about them but concluded with: “…though, I find most people sexually attractive in one way or another. Granted some more than others, but for me nearly everyone is physically desirable in some way. So it really does come down to the other aspects on if I find myself attracted to them.”

Now it was Grace’s turn to look bewildered.

Through our discussion we found ourselves to be nearly complete opposites in the way of sexual attraction and through that how we could find ourselves in potential relationships. I would say that I personally find about 80% or more of the people I meet sexually attractive, while grace only finds herself attracted to 20% or less of those we meet.

For Grace, sexual attraction is immediate. Meaning that if she doesn’t find herself physically attracted to someone at the moment she meets them, it’s never going to happen. It doesn’t matter how cool the person is, or how close of a friendship she might develop with that person, it will never be able to be any more than that for her. With me the opposite is the case. I can swing in and out of interest with someone based on how I relate to that person. Additionally as I find myself physically attracted to the vast majority of people, you had better have some other trait that causes you to stand out, for me to feel any genuine interest. Physical beauty has very little to do with it for me because of that.

And this had been an unknown hangup of ours for some time. Grace later told me that she always thought I was keeping the details of what I found physically attractive in others from her in order to spare her feelings, but she genuinely wanted to know. And she felt like I was keeping something from her by not telling her (and feeling like your partner is keeping something from you is a guarantee that things won’t be progressing happily). Where as in truth, I wasn’t mentioning those aspects because to my mind they were nearly entirely unimportant. I honestly didn’t realize that she was asking me for those specific details when she would ask me what I found attractive in someone.

With our new understanding we’ve been discussing more and giving each other more details than we have in the past. Specifically I’ve begun to mention what I find physically attractive in others to Grace as it helps her to understand where I am. Alternatively as there is such a lower percentage of possible partners out there for Grace, I have asked her to tell me whenever we pass or see someone that she finds sexually attractive so I have the best idea of that she desires in a potential partner.

Coming soon: recent trips, past errors, and new interests (for Grace this time).

I can’t believe I ever took breathing for granted.

The last three or four months have been really hard for me and Holden, despite there being some really exciting things going on for us. We’ve both started new jobs in a new city. We’ve adjusted to living in my mom’s house while waiting for everything to come through on a house of our own. We’ve gone house hunting, come up with a budget for fixing up a run down house, and found what seems to be the house of our dreams. All of that has been exciting but also challenging, taxing us mentally and emotionally. It all involves quite a bit of risk and I think most people would agree that when taking a risk, it’s good to have a strong foundation in your relationship with your spouse so you can help each other through the scary parts. In the midst of all this excitement and necessary turmoil, however, there has been additional turmoil accompanying what some might call a potential polyamorous relationship that went sour and took everyone down with it.

I may have written here previously about a friend of Holden’s who reminded me eerily of a girl who had brought about much damage to our relationship in the past. I think I expressed my trepidation about her and Holden’s deepening affection for her. I’m not in a frame of mind to write about all the details right now, but to sum up: Holden told her he liked her and might possibly be interested in seeing if something more could develop between them in the future. She and I never really hit it off very well, but I tried to get to know her better, hoping to see what Holden saw in her. I did not, though he kept insisting there was more good to her than I was seeing. I saw mostly bad. But I gave the friendship a chance. We took a weekend trip to visit her and some of our other friends. I knew Holden had wanted to see her very badly because he’d been helping her deal with a lot of family, social, and financial issues. I also knew that there would probably be a level of affection between them that had not been manifest before, and I talked to Holden about how I feared this might make me uncomfortable and he promised to do his best to check in with me and make sure I was doing ok. We saw most of the other friends we traveled there to see, but we spent the lion’s share of our time with her. Because of a misunderstanding and a failure to communicate while out at a club dancing, she became infuriated with Holden and myself and has been giving Holden the silent treatment off and on for two months since. I’d say she was giving me the silent treatment too, except she never really talked to me that much to begin with. But I suppose her not responding to my email asking her to talk to me about what she was upset about was signal enough that she specifically intended NOT to talk to me.

For two months and some change, Holden and I have battled over this. I felt that because of her previous risky sexual behavior, her love of acting impulsively, and the way she completely blew off the amount of sacrifice and patience Holden had offered her during our trip she was not a good person for him to start a relationship with. Not to mention the fact that she would barely carry on a conversation with me, and often threw up defensive behavior whenever I was around. With Holden and my understanding of how a poly relationship in our lives would work (open communication among ALL those involved, not just between dedicated partners), this was a big hurdle to be overcome. He agreed with me on all these points, and repeatedly insisted that as things were with her at that time he could not start a more serious relationship with her.

But his analysis of her behavior was very open-ended. He wanted to allow room for a friendship and for his ability to help her grow into a person capable of handling the level of communication and responsibility a truly poly relationship would require. I saw this as him wanting to “fix” what was wrong with her so she would be an acceptable partner, and I flipped out over it.

All this battling went on during the period of silence imposed by this girl. When she did finally step up to communicate with Holden, her tone was full of venom, both at me for what she had perceived as my rude behavior toward her (even though I had made an effort to get closer to her that weekend), and at him for not having put me in my place for said behavior. What makes this all the more ironic is that Holden and I had both felt like she had taken our visit for granted and had treated US rudely, though we’d held our tongues about it, he out of sympathy for her stressful situation (and also out of affection for her), and I in an effort to keep the peace and not spoil the time she was spending with her mother, who had recently been diagnosed with cancer.

Her attack took me by surprise. She used words like “beast” and “rabid” and “rude” to describe me to Holden, while admonishing him for being weak and encouraging him to “grow a pair.” And apparently this all stemmed from the fact that Holden and I had danced as a couple in the nightclub. The way she lashed out felt almost bizarre in its flailing attempt to wound Holden over what she had perceived as his lack of attention toward her feelings. Nevermind the fact that he’d spent two and a half hours talking with her the night before, had breakfast with her that morning, went shoe shopping with her that afternoon, and waited for her for three hours to show up at the night club.

I thought that this surely would have to be the last straw. Surely this is not the way a friend treats another friend, much less a (potential) lover. Holden set to work responding to her accusations. He spent the better part of a day composing his thoughts and drafting a response that exhibited self control, but was still biting in all the right ways.

He ended it by telling her he was in serious doubt over whether or not they could still be friends. But again, it was open-ended, nothing final, nothing closed. It still left that possibility for her to win her way back into his good graces.

I was satisfied with how he defended me in the email, and I was pleased at how he had stuck up for himself in light of her accusations meant to emasculate him. But his unwillingness to write her off as a friend after how she had treated him irked me. I couldn’t understand how he could open himself up to be kicked around by her yet again, for this had not been the first time they had had a falling out over her self-centered way of being inconsiderate.

Unfortunately, all this was in the midst of my stress associated with securing a mortgage, interviewing contractors, haggling with insurance agents, and dealing with settling into our new jobs. That kind of hectic life is so draining that we never really got a chance to come to our own closure over the whole thing with this girl. I was just kind of hoping to put that on the back burner until a few of these high stress things had been settled and I could have that segment of my brain back to process this kind of discussion.

Because we hadn’t had a chance to talk about that or about other poly and relationship type things, it came as a complete shock to me when this evening I came home from working a 10 hour day to the news that Holden had been speaking with another female friend of ours (this one I like much better) and had told her that he liked her a lot and would like to see if something more could develop from their friendship. Now, under normal circumstances, sans house, jobs, contractors, and overtime, I would have been perfectly fine with the idea of exploring what could come of a relationship with this person. I genuinely like her a lot and while we’re not as close as I’d like us to be, she definitely holds a lot more respect in my book. However, I was NOT READY for Holden to embark on a journey of exploration which I was supposed to be a part of (at his insistence) in the midst of dealing with all this other stuff AND so soon after things had gotten so ugly with the other girl. Because we hadn’t really gotten to talk about things between managing chaos, he didn’t realize that I had been more wounded by the attack on my character than I had let on. He had mentioned this new girl to me months ago before things really got rolling with the other girl, and so he assumed since I was cool with it then I would be cool with it now. But what he didn’t take into account was how much this experience of being chewed up and spit out by a potential partner of his had shaken me up. My confidence in him had been damaged, my confidence in myself had been severely dented, and with all the crazy things going on in our lives, I had not been able to slow down long enough to deal with any of it.

So tonight we had it out. I’d like to say that after discussing everything we’re both on the same page and ready to get back to tackling our mutually hectic life, but we’re not. I think we’re closer to it than we were before we talked, and tomorrow’s daylight will surely give things a more comprehensible perspective. But right now, as I sit across the room from him, I am hurting. I am frustrated, worn out, desperate for a break in the madness so I can just get my head together and think. My self confidence over how well I can spring back from a blow is waning. I feel weak and defeated for allowing the mean things that girl said about me to affect how I feel about myself, even though I know I didn’t act the way she says I did. I was hoping for a rest from relationship challenges at least for the time it takes to close on the house and sign the paperwork (which would have been just under a week at the most.) But no. The gods of chaos dictate that I am to deal with this at THEIR whim, and what fun would it be for them if I only had to deal with one crisis, one challenge, one test of faith at a time?

Holden is walking around the house very carefully. Occasionally he tries to catch my eye. If he does, he offers me a weak smile. He feels bad, guilty, sorry for putting me through this, for not having seen what I couldn’t show him in the first place. At this very moment, and quite possibly for the rest of the night, I am not yet done feeling hurt and angry. I don’t think I feel up to sharing with him the too small bed we occupy while staying at my mother’s house. I don’t really feel like going to the trouble of finding a sheet and blanket to spread out on the couch tonight either. While my aching head is longing to rest on his shoulder and cry myself to sleep, my arms are twitching with my pent up desire to punch him repeatedly. I’m fighting the urge to punish him, but for what? For being himself? For expressing love for a friend? No, that’s not even the point. I just need a break, I need to breathe.

I had a bad night and it’s all my fault.

Don’t you just hate it when something frustrating happens and when you sit down to think about it you realize it was all your own fault to begin with? ARGH it makes me so mad!

Last night after a moderately good day, Holden and I stayed up to chat with some friends online. The conversation shifted somewhere I wasn’t terribly interested in (probably computer geek stuff – I love my geeks, but I don’t yet speak their language) so I left to take a shower. It was only 10:30 so I took extra care to make myself soft and smooth and nice smelling. There’s something sensual about that for me, spending time and energy on making myself especially appealing for Holden definitely gets me in the mood to share with him all my little extra efforts. Even just coming out of the shower with newly shaved legs gets me excited to find an excuse to sit close to him with my legs where he can feel and appreciate them. So last night, not only did I shave my legs, but I also used this rose scented lotion that Holden loves to smell on my shoulders, and I left my hair a little damp and tousled because he always tells me how cute that looks. I put on a cute tiny pair of pajama shorts and my over sized men’s style pajama shirt, you know the kind, it buttons down the front and is made of a nice cool cotton blend that hangs just to the hips on a woman if she’s wearing a men’s size. Naturally I only fastened the buttons necessary to keep the shirt from blowing completely open as I walked. Holden loves seeing me either in one of his button down shirts or in a shirt of my own that’s a little too big for me but still manages to show off a shoulder or flash the curve of a breast in the neckline.

All soft and cute and feeling confident in myself, I returned to the living room where Holden was still chatting. I leaned over the back of the recliner to nuzzle his ear and slide my hands from his shoulders down his chest. The conversation in the chat room filled with our old friends from college was pretty lively and Holden didn’t look up from the screen when he said to me, “Hey, you’ve gotta hear about this,” and started recounting some shocking story that everybody was buzzing about in the chat room. Meanwhile, not giving up that I could still capture his attention, I walked in front of him and went across the room to close the windows. There’s a shelf in front of one pair of windows, so I had to lean way over to reach the winch that swings them shut. I leaned a little further than I had to, lingered there pretending to have trouble with the latch, and then shifted position and leaned some more for the second window. Holden went on filling me in on the chat. They were all talking in the excited tones of political discourse, but the story was not only politically shocking but also deeply sad. As I sat down cross legged on the couch I could tell that Holden hadn’t even noticed me and I felt my sexy mood fade away to be replaced by bitter frustration. Why do my moods always have to come up right when Holden is most lonesome for his friends? I can’t tear him away from this conversation now, it’s making him too happy. He misses them terribly and it helps make it easier when he gets to laugh and share the jokes even from a few hundred miles away.

I went to my own computer and joined in the chat room. If I couldn’t communicate to Holden face to face, maybe I could reach him by computer. I had lost the mood entirely by now but I still felt like I wanted to get his attention somehow. I typed a snarky but joking line or two in the chat room along the lines of, “Great, guys. I come out of the shower all soft and cute and you have to go and ruin the mood with some sob story. ” We joke each other around like that all the time, but this time I was actually a bit passive aggressive and Holden noticed that was displeased. “It’s not like it was planned that way,” he said to me over his shoulder, and went on chatting. “I’m just frustrated, is all,” I said weakly. I stayed in the chat room for a little bit, but it wasn’t holding my attention and I was getting concerned that Holden would stay up too late and make himself tired for work the next day. It was nearing midnight.

I shut my computer down and went back over to the recliner where I ran my fingers through Holden’s hair a little and asked, “Are you coming to bed soon?” “Yeah, probably,” he replied, and I went to the bedroom.

I hoped he would wrap up his conversation within a half hour or so and come to bed. I thought I could recapture the sexy mood I’d lost by reading, so I plopped down on the bed with a good book and waited up for Holden. I got through twenty… thirty… fourty… fifty pages of the book and when I looked up at the clock it was 2:15 am. I put down my book and shuffled back out to the living room where Holden was still talking with friends back home. He filled me in on who he was talking to and why the conversation had been going so long. Boyfriend trouble. I curled back up on the couch. I was too pissed to feel sleepy, so I picked up my laptop and hit the power button. As it was going through its boot up process, Holden actually finished his conversation, closed the lid on his laptop and came over to sit next to me on the floor. “Oh,” he lamented, “you were just signing on?” “No.” I closed the laptop quickly and decisively, not quite slamming it, because I know better than to slam a laptop, but finally physically showing that I was upset. Holden looked bewildered and concerned. “What’s wrong?” Oh NOW he wants to know what’s wrong? Now that it’s 2:30am and he’s facing a four hour night of sleep he wants to talk to me? What, so I can keep him up until 4 and he can go to work with burning eyes and an aching head? No way, I’m not going to be responsible for that.

“Forget it. It’s not that important. You need to get some sleep. Let’s go to bed.” He really felt guilty now (though I could see in his face that he was trying to work out why I was so upset), and even though I knew it was wrong, that it was bad communication, it felt good to see him squirm, to see the concern in his eyes. I finally had his attention. But I was on the verge of tears by now and I did not want to talk about it because I would have broken down entirely and by God I did not want to be responsible for him staying up any later and ruining his whole work day. He accepted that I wasn’t ready to talk, so he said, “Well, if we go to bed now, can we talk about it tomorrow?” I shrugged it off a bit and pulled myself together. “It’s really not that big a deal, it’s just in my own head, so you shouldn’t worry about it too much. It doesn’t even have to do with you, it’s to do with me, so… whatever.”

We silently crawled into bed and I fumed at myself. What is wrong with me?! I wanted sex tonight. I knew I wanted sex tonight. I even had specific KINDS of sex in mind that I wanted. Why couldn’t I just TELL him? Why couldn’t I come on stronger? What was stopping me from boldly walking up to him, looking him straight in the eyes, closing the laptop and putting it aside while I climbed into his lap in its place? Why can’t I TAKE what I want, why do I feel like I have to lure him into giving it to me? I’m so fucking passive! Even when I’m aggressive, I’m PASSIVE aggressive. Why am I always waiting for him to come to me? Why can’t I go to him and tell him what I want? Holden would never turn me down. He loves it when I initiate sex. He wants to feel wanted too. And I do want him. GOD do I want him. So why can’t I show it? What am I so afraid of? And if I am afraid, why can’t I just suck it up and do it anyway? That’s what I do with everything else. If something scares me, I can always take a deep breath and just… jump. Why don’t I know how to do this? What’s wrong with me?

Eventually I drifted off to sleep, still mad at myself. I woke up this morning with a headache, my eyes burning with spent tears, my body aching from a restless night. And I still don’t know what to do to make it better.

-Grace

Ethical Slut Post #6: The Monogamy Myths: Myth #5

Myth #5: Outside involvements reduce intimacy in the primary relationship and impede problem solving.

I need to quote extensively from the book on this one because the authors describe exactly what happened to me. They say:

“Most marriage counselors are taught that when a member of an otherwise happily married couple has an ‘affair,’ this must be a symptom of unresolved conflict or unfulfilled needs that should be dealt with in the primary relationship.”

That is exactly what I went through when Holden cheated on me. We weren’t married yet, but we’d been living together for over a year and were as committed to each other as though we were married. There was nothing wrong with our relationship. We were as happy as could be. Looking back on it, Holden agrees with me. We didn’t fight, we shared all our feelings openly, and the sex was hot. Oh boy the sex was hot. We couldn’t get enough of each other. That’s why it puzzled me so badly when Holden confessed that his flirtation with an old girlfriend had gone too far and they’d had sex while I was at a night class. Immediately in my mind, questions of why flooded over me. I asked Holden a million times why. And why now? I could have understood if he and I were having problems. But we weren’t. In fact, for the first time our lives seemed to be bearing the fruits of our labors. He told me all the time how exciting a lover I was and how much he looked forward to seeing me each day. So what was the problem this was all a symptom of? I couldn’t find anything so I turned my search for flaws inward. The authors of The Ethical Slut go on to say:

“It is cruel and insensitive to interpret an affair as a symptom of sickness in the relationship, as it leaves the ‘cheated-on’ partner – who may already be feeling insecure – to wonder what is wrong with [her].”

Bingo! How accurate a description this is of how I began dealing with the aftermath of Holden’s confession. All my insecurities flashed up at me and I began to catalog my imperfections all over again, but this time with a new template: Rebbecca. Holden had dated Rebbecca before he and I started dating. After they’d broken up they patched things up to be friends again. I had gotten to know her by now too and so it was easy to compare myself to her. I began asking myself, what does she have that I don’t and how did she use it to attract Holden? What did Holden see in her that he didn’t see in me?

No matter how many different ways I asked myself and Holden these questions I still couldn’t figure out the answer. All our discussions ended up at the same point. Holden would tell me he didn’t love her, that he didn’t even really like her all that much, and that he didn’t know why he’d done it. This reflects the third part of what the authors say about this myth: that “the ‘cheating’ partner gets told that [he] is only ‘acting out’ to get back at [his] primary partner, and [he] really doesn’t want, need or even like [his] lover.” Holden is a product of the same psychological climate as I am and he was fulfilling his part in the myth, just as I was.

The problem this all caused for us, though, is that it didn’t actually get us anywhere. The question of why was never satisfactorily answered. I was able to insert a dozen of my own speculations about the answer, but they all focused on the insecurities I already had and in some cases even confused me over what I was even insecure about in the first place.

What would have been different if Holden had known what polyamory was and had been able to more honestly examine his feelings and identify himself as polyamorous by nature? I know it’s not really fair to speculate on the actual events of the past, but I have to go back and read the experience again through this new filter of understanding I have. For example, I knew Holden was attracted to her well before the actual cheating occurred. I often asked Holden about it for two reasons: one, to make him aware that I knew he was attracted to her, and two, to let him know what types of behavior between them made me uncomfortable. Whenever I brought it up, his answer was the same: “I was attracted to her once, but now we’re just friends and I don’t like her like that anymore.” I accepted his answer, but I never really believed it. I could see the exchange of feelings between their eyes. I saw how he reacted to her flirtations. I knew there was more there than Holden was willing to admit, but I also liked letting myself take comfort in his socially acceptable explanations.

I wonder how Holden’s answers would be different now if I asked him to go back over the story with me, each of us with our new understanding of ourselves. I wonder if he would be able to answer honestly what he found attractive about her, knowing that he doesn’t have to protect me from that pain anymore. It’s been six years since the initial questions were raised and for the first time in six years I may be starting to see how those questions of why that have stayed stuck in the back of my mind could possibly be answered.

It’s unfortunate that the authors’ explanation didn’t really fit entirely with the original myth statement, but I sure got a lot out of it, so I’ll briefly discuss the original myth because I do think it’s important.

One of my biggest concerns when Holden started talking to me in a practical way about polyamory was that he would spend all his time and energy on other relationships and have nothing left, or not enough left for me. I still don’t have any experience with this, but everyone I’ve talked to who does says that love grows the more it’s shared. They assure me that once Holden truly feels free to be the person in love that he needs to be, that he’ll love me all the more for it and that the excitement that charges his new relationships will transfer to ours too. People in poly relationships have told me that primary partners end up having more sex, not less. There’s just that much more sexual energy going around to fuel everybody’s fires. This is one of those concerns that still bothers me just a little because I have yet to experience it for myself. But it’s not going to hold me back from trying polyamory.

As for the idea that outside involvements impede problem-solving, it’s obvious to me that that’s hogwash. If a couple goes about entering a poly relationship with all the care and responsibility they should take with each other, it should only open things up for more communication, more honesty, and more opportunities for bringing up problems. That should aid problem-solving, not impede it.

Right?

-Grace

Stay tuned for the next post, Myth #6: “Swept away by love”

Ethical Slut Post #5: The Monogamy Myths: Myth #4

Myth #4: Jealousy is inevitable and impossible to overcome.

I think the fallacy in this one is not in the statement itself, but rather in how we deal with it. Let’s break the myth down into its two parts.

I actually do think that jealousy in some form is inevitable in any relationship. First of all, jealousy is a huge umbrella word that can encompass everything from envy to insecurity to possessiveness. Somewhere along the spectrum of everything that counts as jealousy, it’s almost guaranteed to show up in a relationship one way or another.

Whether anything is impossible to overcome is hard to know. The people I’ve talked to who’ve dealt extensively with jealousy issues have told me that jealousy can definitely be mastered. It takes a lot of difficult personal searching and may take years, but it can be overcome to the point that you’re comfortable embarking on a poly adventure. However, in even the most experienced, self-aware people, it’s always possible for something to unexpectedly trigger those old jealous feelings. Usually when they reappear, they’re not as strong as the first time around, but they do stop you in your tracks. Usually if you’ve gone through the hard work to mitigate jealousy in the first place, you’ll have some tried and trusted methods for dealing with it when it does show up again.

I think in a way that developing these coping methods and using them effectively are a way of overcoming jealousy. What I’ve heard from others is that it is actually impossible to eliminate jealousy completely. But it is possible to manage it, contain it, understand it, and deal with its effects on your life.

There will be a whole chapter dedicated to jealousy later on in The Ethical Slut. I haven’t gotten to it yet, but when I do, you’ll get a full report.

-Grace

Come back next time when I’ll discuss Myth #5: Outside involvements reduce intimacy in the primary relationship and impede problem-solving

Ethical Slut Post #4: The Monogamy Myths: Myth #3

Myth #3: Loving someone makes it okay to control his/her behavior.

This just screams jealousy and insecurity. People seek to control a partner’s behavior often because they think that if the behavior is eliminated, the feelings that drive the behavior will go away too. By punishing your partner for showing interest in another person, you’re not going to change the fact that your partner finds that person attractive. As the authors wrote in relation to one of the first two myths: “a ring around the finger does not cause a nerve block to the genitals.”

I learned in catechism (yes, there were some good things I learned there) that God gave humans free will because forced worship has no meaning. It’s worthless because it’s not sincere. It’s the same with relationships. Forced fidelity is meaningless and leads to resentment and deceit. The only way a commitment will last is if both partners truly feel committed. If one partner doesn’t feel the same way, there is no way to force those feelings into existence.

This is not to say that partners need not show restraint in how they behave. Boundaries are very important. They need to be discussed and agreed upon by all partners. Sometimes this is tricky and requires some compromise. If an established boundary is no longer working for you, you need to bring that up and discuss it before actually doing anything to push that boundary. You helped make them, you can work together to change them. But simply mandating or forbidding things for the sake of feeling secure is not going to actually create security or safeguard the relationship.

-Grace

Stay tuned for next time when I’ll discuss Myth #4: Jealousy is inevitable and impossible to overcome.