Can a leopard change her spots?

Ever since Holden and I have been talking about how and when to bring up poly with our friends, there have been little instances of poly-related chat coming up left and right! It’s like once we opened ourselves up to the possibility of talking about it, the universe decided to throw some opportunities our way.

To recap an earlier post, Holden and I decided that we’d feel okay about letting most of our friends know that we’re poly if the topic seems relevant to the conversation. There are a couple of friends we don’t know as well yet, but for the most part, as long as it feels comfortable, we’re not putting any restrictions on each other as far as whether or not to discuss poly as a general topic we’re interested in and as something we identify with.

Just a day or so after we talked about that, we went to lunch with a couple of people Holden had hung out with a few times and I had met once or twice. We spent the whole lunch hour talking about various mundane things, and for some reason Holden had to get back to work before the rest of us did. I stayed with our two friends and somehow the conversation drifted really naturally to polyamory. Because I didn’t know these people as well as Holden did I didn’t feel comfortable acknowledging that we are poly, but I did feel comfortable joining in the conversation and expressing my opinions openly. That may not seem like such a big deal to some people, but to me, it’s a whole new experience to tell the real truth about my opinions and not just stick with what won’t get me in trouble. That’s been Holden’s experience for years, so I guess he sort of takes it for granted anymore, but since I’m moderately new in developing my opinions about these relationship topics, it felt like a huge change in how I communicate with friends. We talked about how a certain college one of them attended had some polyamorous people who would get triple or quad style dorm rooms so they could all live together. It’s a pretty progressive liberal arts college, I guess.

(This topic made me interested in exploring the polyamorous community on college campuses and I’m curious about how other colleges handle the question of polyamory when it comes to student housing.)

When I brought up how I think that monogamy is great as long as it’s a conscious choice and not just what you default to because there’s not supposed to be anything else, they both agreed with me, and I was surprised at how much they both had thought about the idea before we’d spoken. They both identified to me that they’re not polyamorous, but that they can understand why some people would want to be. It was such a nice refreshing conversation to have. What an unexpected surprise! I felt pretty good about it, and after having talked to Holden about it, I now know that had he been there, he would have felt comfortable enough with them to let them know that we are actually polyamorous. Like I said before, I don’t know them as well as he does, so I held off this time, but if it comes up again, I’ll be happy to talk about it.

I’ve got to get going for now, but stay tuned for more posts about this. The world seems to be blossoming before me with new opportunities! I love spring!

-Grace

After this whole process of exploring the poly world are you a firm believer that you are really happier in this lifestyle or are you simply doing it because you love Holden?

Even though I’ve come to some basic philosophical conclusions, my explorations are nowhere near finished. Holden and I have not even actually HAD a poly relationship yet. We’ve simply become a couple who is currently monogamous but open to the idea of adding additonal partners should the opportunity come up.

As for the idea of doing it because I love Holden, there is some truth to that. Here’s the distinction though: I agreed to try to understand and explore poly because I love Holden. I agreed to do the hard work that goes in to re-examining every assumption about relationships, love, trust, and fidelity because I love Holden. But my decision to actually become open to having a poly relationship with Holden came about through my own independent observations about my own needs and desires, and about how relationships work (or don’t!) in general. Holden has been very careful not to exert too much pressure on me, and believe me when I tell you, that was probably the hardest part of all this for him. Well, maybe. I don’t know, you’d have to ask him about that. But he made it a point to get me to talk about everything as if he was an objective person. His biggest concern was not that I come around to his way of thinking, but that I honestly examine my own feelings in light of new information. While he initiated the process, I carried it in the direction that was most beneficial to me. You’ll notice as this blog continues how Holden and I have come to different conclusions about certain aspects of poly, especially as it relates to the nature vs. nurture argument. It is through these little differences of opinion that you can see that I’ve actually thought this stuff through for myself, and haven’t just accepted Holden’s take on everything.

This wraps up my little series summarizing my current status as a potential polyamorist.

Coming up soon: A discussion on the idea of “coming out,” and hopefully the beginning of a series of reviews of movies dealing with polyamory.

Do you think that if you were given the choice to be monogamous with Holden that you would rather do that, or are you actually a believer that (while it is hard sometimes emotionally) polyamory really is the way to be happy in relationships?

This is one of those questions I’ve had a hard time answering because I was afraid of my answer. But if I look at myself truly honestly and answer as if the answer is just for me, and not to be judged by anyone, I think answering right now, I’d say I’d rather be monogamous with Holden. Of course, if you asked me if I’d rather bike up a steep mountain foothill or along a flat stretch of gravel road, I’d choose the flat gravel road too. It’s human nature to want the path of least resistance. Considering that we don’t actually have anybody else in our relationship, and haven’t had anyone yet, I’ve still never actually experienced what it’s like to be in a poly relationship with Holden. So it’s kind of the devil you know versus the devil you don’t. However, there’s nothing saying that won’t change in the future. All I know for sure right now is that through all the crazy shit we’ve been through in the past year and in years past, Holden has been the best partner for me and regardless of the configuration of our relationship in the future, I am sure I will want it to be with Holden.

Do you guys think that you are making the choice to be a poly couple because it is what you think will work for “you guys,” or are you confident that if you were longer together you would still search for a poly lifestyle?

I think Holden for sure would be poly regardless of whether we were together. I don’t know. I don’t think I would actively seek multiple partners, but rather if multiple people came my way that I wanted a deep relationship with, I wouldn’t rule it out. It’s like that with anything though. I don’t think we go through life “seeking” a relationship, we just learn how to be open to one.

Short answer today. But tomorrow there will be more. Check back for “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 5

Do you think that the people who meet and marry one person and spend their lives together are really content?

I think some people have the capacity for that. However, I think they’re much more rare than people who would be more content having multiple partners at some time in their lives.  As I talked about in part 2, there are complications to any relationship, and if a monogamous couple decides that they want to remain monogamous while dealing with all of these complications, that can leave them both feeling happy and fulfilled if it’s what they both truly want.  Now, I don’t think that’s as common or as easy as we’ve been led to believe.  It’s certainly not the norm. 

By “complications” I mean anything that challenges the monogamous feelings of either person in the relationship.  Developing feelings for someone other than one’s partner, lusting after a movie star, finding emotional fulfillment in an Internet relationship that isn’t being found in the real life monogamous relationship are all examples of possible complications.  People in our mainstream society are more likely to deny the complications, sweep them under the rug, or act on their impulses and desires in secret, none of which are healthy.  Open communication is the first requirement in dealing with any complication.  I could go on for pages about what constitutes open communication and strategies to start doing it, but that would be a pretty far digression. 

In short, I think that if a monogamous couple face challenges together openly and honestly and still find they are happiest being monogamous, then they can be content in that.  What most people see as contentment, however, is more often actually resignation. 

Don’t forget to check out the next installment of “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 4!

-Grace

Do you think that ultimately everyone would be happier if they could take on the polyamorous way of life?

I don’t think polyamory is for everyone. I think there are people out there who are just going to be happier in a monogamous relationship. The problem I see is that monogamy is usually the only choice presented. I think monogamy is fine as long as you’re actively choosing to be monogamous, having considered that there are other possibilities out there. Most people don’t ever consider anything but monogamy and I don’t think that’s healthy. I think a lot more people would choose to be polyamorous if they knew it existed and weren’t told by the powers that be that it’s a bad lifestyle choice.

Polyamory is complicated.  It’s a constant challenge.  I think of it this way: monogamy is Relationship 101-201, sort of the basic course, that is still pretty challenging, but ultimately only pushes you so far.  Polyamory is more like a 300-400 level class that adds such advanced concepts into the lesson as fluid swapping, compersion (a.k.a. frubble), and primary/secondary partners.  You have to learn a whole new vocabulary and a whole new set of strategies. Plus, the level of self examination that is required for someone to even have the remotest chance of making polyamory work can be daunting.  Because of the level of effort involved in just having a moderately successful polyamorous relationship, it’s not necessarily the best option for the lowest common denominator of our population. 

That said, I do think that people who currently have monogamous relationships can benefit greatly from having the honest discussions that can come up with considering the possiblity of poly.  Even if they decide that monogamy is best for them, the fact that they’ve talked these things over can greatly strengthen their monogamous relationship. 

Additionally, anyone who is currently in a monogamous relationship and is considering making it poly had better make sure their monogamous relationship is already good and strong because poly is going to challenge it in surprising ways.  I really believe that if you’re starting out from a monogamous place, you have to sort of “master” monogamy before you can add any additional partners.  Additional partners only multiply complications, they never reduce them.  If you already have a strong base in a committed relationship, you’ll be prepared to handle those additional complications.  If not, then the complications will not only burn your new relationship, but also damage your existing one. 

Whatever your relationship status, it must be a mutually agreed upon arrangement for it to be fulfilling to everyone involved. 

Stay tuned for the next installment, “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 3!

-Grace

Myth #6: “Swept away by love”

The authors of The Ethical Slut explain this as the feeling that “if you’re really in love with someone, you never have to argue… or do any other kind of work.” I couldn’t believe people really thought that way at first.  It just seemed so silly.  But then I thought about friends of mine who have gone through a frequent pattern of breaking up and getting back together and breaking up and getting back together.   When I’d ask one partner why she broke up with him, it was always over something that Holden and I surely would have fought over, or at the very least discussed, but that would not have been grounds for breaking up.  But for these couples it was easier, or rather more comfortable to break up, spend some time apart, and then come back together.  Except nothing ever got resolved.  If whoever had been in the wrong (or had been perceived to be) came back and begged forgiveness, they’d get back together and in the joy of being a couple again would forget to actually resolve what caused the breakup in the first place.   They’d say “this time things are going to be different,” every time.  I have friends who have been going through this cycle for almost 10 years.  It’s clear that they do love each other.  But they’re not willing to accept that love actually does mean “for better or worse,” to some degree.

Another side of this “swept away” idea is that each partner is supposed to “be enough” for the other; that they won’t ever need anything or want anything but the love of their own partner to feel turned on and satisfied. To this end, everything that isn’t strictly traditional sex between two partners must be a sign that one parter is not feeling satisfied and wants to commit adultery (even if it’s in his or her mind.)  This is something I’ve fallen prey to many times and through my work exploring fantasies, I’m learning how to reassure myself that this isn’t true.  The first time Holden asked me to act out or dress up for a fantasy of his, I felt hurt, like he was wishing I was someone else.  I felt like he wanted to use me so I refused.  We see on TV all the time how the idea that one’s partner would be thinking about someone else while having sex is just about the worst insult.  It’s always worthy of a withering glare, a quick gathering of one’s belongings, and angrily storming out.  Granted, most of the time the revelation of the partner’s fantasy is a surprise (most commonly via a spontaneous screaming of another person’s name during climax) and that’s no way to broach the subject.

The idea of using vibrators and other pleasure devices, including porn, is often looked down on as if a partner has to use a device to make up for something the other partner is lacking.  It’s not really realistic to expect anybody to remain absolutely riveted by the limited variation offered by traditional couple sex forever and ever.  Eventually everyone wants to spice things up one way or another.

The point is that love does not mean a wholesale abandonment of human nature. Two people getting married are still two people and much of what we’re taught by society is trying to make us forget that.

-Grace

Adapted from some of my comments in the mono_poly community on LiveJournal:

A couple of people seem to have a problem with the idea of anybody tearing down the idea of monogamy for the purpose of embracing polyamory. What I’m getting from you is that if someone chooses polyamory over monogamy, they should do so based on the merits of polyamory, not the flaws of monogamy. I don’t disagree with that idea at all, and in fact I think it’s noble.

Unfortunately, it’s a bit unrealistic for someone like myself. I come from a VERY monogamous background. In fact, I love monogamy. I think it’s a beautiful structure with a graceful balance that reflects the duality of the universe. But I also think that there are aspects of our society that use monogamy to trap people, to control them, and to shame them into fitting an arbitrary mold. Someone said earlier that it is wrong for a book like The Ethical Slut to tell newbies that they are victims. But I feel like a victim, and moreso than I, my husband feels like a victim. He has had these feelings that he is supposed to love many people, not just one, his whole life. He has been scolded, cast out, shunned, and outright punished for putting forth the very notion that there might be more options than traditional monogamy. Now, before you jump all over me, please understand that I’m not trying to generalize. I know that not all monogamous people think and act this way. But you’re kidding yourself if you don’t acknowledge that all forms of media, nearly all churches, and just about every organized facet of society look down upon anything that challenges the traditional structure of monogamy.

I am ashamed to say that I was a perpetrator of this intolerant scorn for most of my life. When my husband first brought the idea of polyamory to me, I was furious. Who was he to challenge the great institution of monogamous love? Fortunately my husband was patient and understanding and helped me through the difficult process of cracking the frame that had been built around my mind, and seeing what other possibilities might be available.

I am still in the midst of that breaking down process. In order to really understand polyamory from an objective standpoint, I first have to break down the understanding I’ve always had of the world that was constructed according to a monogamous plan. It’s not as easy as just saying, “monogamy on the one hand, polyamory on the other hand… hmm… I think I’ll choose poly.” There’s a whole process I have to go through of tearing down the old ways my mind was taught to function and building up a new view with the pieces.

I don’t hate monogamy or monogamists. I never will. Reading The Ethical Slut is not going to turn me into a radical mono-hater. But what it is helping me do in its radicalness is take apart the concept of monogamy and examine it piece by piece, challenging every assumed belief and making sure that what I choose to believe is exactly what I’ve CHOSEN, not what somebody else has constructed for me.

In that sense, the book is proving to be very valuable to me. What I hope will happen is that I will come out of this tearing down and rebuilding process with a more balanced and well-rounded understanding of monogamy and polyamory, much like many of you seem to have.

A few people and I simply disagree on the point that certain aspects of society as we know it sometimes considers sexual desire itself to be destructive.

Now, The Ethical Slut does overly generalize, and that is a flaw of the book as I’ve read it so far. But just this week I was listening to the radio and flipped to one of the weekly messages from a Christian pastor aimed at young people. This message was on the subject of “lust.” The definition this pastor gives of lust is “any sexual thought about any person of the opposite sex [this is obviously in an only-hetero-is-acceptable context] .” He does not clarify about your status with that person. He simply warns teens, especially the boys, that seeing any person in a sexual way is wrong and you must train your mind away from those kinds of thoughts. Now, I know that in typical Christian doctrine, sex is considered a healthy gift from God so long as it’s practiced within marriage, but to tell teens straight up that looking at someone with an appreciation for their sexual appeal is patently wrong is an example of what the authors of The Ethical Slut were talking about with this myth.

And what about the idea that “nice girls” aren’t supposed to want sex? Many of us were socialized by our mothers and other women role models that in order to be respectable you are not supposed to desire sex, that it is something you have to put up with because your husband is going to want it, but that sex is generally gross and uncomfortable. Women with any appetite for sex are immediately looked at with suspicion in some circles, as if they’re some sort of threat to the rest of womankind.

If you never felt ashamed for desiring sex I envy you, because for the majority of my life I have felt that if I desired sex I was never supposed to show it. For the longest time, my husband couldn’t understand why I would never initiate sexual contact but would enjoy sex wholeheartedly once he got us started. It was a sad and miserable existence, feeling like I was not allowed to have sexual fantasies for fear of being ridiculed for them, feeling like no matter how much I wanted to be seductive, it wasn’t welcome, and feeling like I was sinning against God for fantasizing about sex.

So I guess a lot of the myths in The Ethical Slut hit home for me. They embody a lot of the personal frustrations I’m trying to get past in my own mind so I can feel more secure in stepping out of the path that was laid out for me by the rest of the world.

-Grace

Myth #2: Sexual desire is a destructive force.

The authors of The Ethical Slut give the most common example of this idea appearing in literature, Adam and Eve’s fall from grace in the Garden of Eden. The portrayal of sexual desire as a destructive force - most notably women’s sexual desire - is a common thread through main stream literature and media, from Guinevere and Lancelot to Madame Bovary to Sex and the City. We’re also told that the worst threat to a marriage is an affair. The worst thing a partner can do is cheat on you. Even people who show sexual desire within a committed relationship are sometimes chastised for it.

If sexual desire is ever actually destructive it is because it is acted upon in a deceitful or unsanctioned way. In these cases it is actually the deception that is destructive, not the desire itself. Desire gets the rap for a host of bad behavior: jealousy, possessiveness, deceit, obsession. If we could only accept desire as a positive feeling and learn how to manage it properly, we’d solve one half of the problem. The other half requires that we examine these other things we’re using desire as a scapegoat for and figure out why we’re so caught up on them.

-Grace

Stay tuned for my reflections on Myth #3: Loving someone makes it okay to control his/her behavior

Chapter 3 of The Ethical Slut lists out a collection of myths about monogamy and explains what’s wrong with them. Many of the myths were the basis for my arguments when I was trying to defend monogamy to Holden during our first discussions about it. I’m going to go through them and reflect on each one.

Myth #1: Long-term monogamous relationship are the only real relationships.

This implies that all other relationships are false, that they cannot be fulfilling on their own and only exist to serve as stepping stones to the goal of long-term monogamy. Isn’t that what our parents teach us about dating when we’re teenagers? “Date around, sample what’s out there, then pick one you want to settle down with and marry them.” Even adults who’ve been around the block a few times can be heard exclaiming, “All those others before you didn’t mean a thing to me.” When some of those previous relationships lasted a number of years, the statement sounds especially ludicrous.

Since people who believe this myth see long-term monogamy as the final goal, many of them choose to believe that the hard part is over and they can just sit back and enjoy the ride from now on. This is terribly naive and leaves many people woefully unprepared to deal with real problems that challenge every relationship.

I think a better way to approach the “goal” of a relationship, if it is in fact something you desire, is to think of a relationship as a means to achieving your own personal goals. Ask yourself what you want the relationship to add to your life. Don’t start with any pre-set framework, but list out the abstract things you think a relationship could provide. Do you desire companionship, sexual satisfaction, financial stability, children, freedom, commitment, a partner in crime, a good masseuse? First determine why you want the relationship in the first place, and then establish the parameters that will best allow you to experience all those benefits. Maybe long-term monogamy will fit that best, but maybe not.

-Grace

Stay tuned for my reflections on Myth #2: Sexual desire is a destructive force