Taking a step out into the light.

Holden and I have taken the process of coming out as poly to our friends very slowly and carefully. It took me a long time to dispel my fear of being out. A lot of that fear had to do with my own personal confidence in the poly lifestyle and how ready I felt to discuss it in a positive way. When things were hard for me with poly, even though I was fully dedicated to sticking with it and working with Holden through all of the problems, I didn’t really want to discuss it with new people. I didn’t want my tone of voice or reticence about certain topics to make it seem like I was being dragged along or victimized in all this. That’s on top of the very real fear of word getting back to my tight-knit traditional Catholic family whom I love very deeply and need to hide this from in order to keep that connection. (It’s something Holden and I have discussed at length and that we agree is a sad but necessary sacrifice.)

But I’ve got my confidence back and I’ve spent the time between then and now thinking deeply about the relationships I have with these friends and how close and trusting we are of each other. There is definitely a list of “approved” and “not approved” people between Holden and myself that we review with each other every so often.

We are not the only ones involved in this decision, though. While Holden’s girlfriend’s husband is not ready to be out and understandably wants control of that aspect of his life, we have an arrangement that lets me and Holden be honest with our friends, but maintains that boundary. Holden and I may out ourselves and speak honestly about Holden being involved with someone, but the specifics about who he’s involved with have to stay hidden. That way we can out ourselves and not out the other couple without their permission.

Such was the case at a social gathering this weekend. The conversation turned to relationship issues and as I looked around I noticed that the people we were with who didn’t already know about us were on the approved list Holden and I had discussed.  We just hadn’t gotten around to bringing it up with them yet.  Just for clarity’s sake, Holden and I have a sort of “need to know” attitude about this with our friends. If it comes up and is relevant to whatever is going on, then that’s a time to mention that we’re poly. If circumstances called for it, a “sit down, lets talk about something” kind of discussion could happen but that didn’t seem terribly likely.

Anyway, as the discussion progressed, I felt really comfortable at that moment allowing ourselves to be included in the conversation as people with open marriage experience. This comfort was made easier by the fact that two other people there had already either identified themselves openly as polyamorous or as having friends who are. That combined with the comfort level I felt with the rest of the people involved made it pretty easy to get an okay from Holden and give him my okay that we could be fully honest with this group.

It felt great to talk openly about our philosophy and what open marriage is like. Our friends had a couple of questions, as we expected, but the whole experience was super comfortable and while I still felt a little nervous, it felt very liberating as well.  Most importantly, I felt really loved and accepted by my friends. That was the best feeling of all.

According to the agreed-upon process, Holden notified the other couple the next morning of who we’d come out to and under what circumstances. And overall I feel good about it. I’m still having to take a few deep breaths to calm myself, but that’s to be expected with any big step out of a comfort zone.

And now I’m off to bask in the memory of that love and acceptance.

-Grace

I’ve found my feet on solid ground.

I’ve been getting so much great encouragement from you wonderful readers. If I haven’t responded to your comment personally, please know that I have read it and it has given me great comfort.

These past weeks have been a sort of reset period for me. Things have gotten to a point of stability and relative comfort and that’s given me a chance to step back from everything and reassess what I’m feeling, what I want, and how I want all of this to work for me as well as for Holden.

Some things I’ve reaffirmed for myself:

1. My commitment to sharing a polyamorous lifestyle with Holden.
2. Life is fluid and I can flow with it without being drowned by it.

Next, some areas I’ve grown and can continue to grow:

1. My ability to define what’s right and feels good for me and stand up for my right to have/seek those things.
2. A better understanding of my chronic depression (and the ability to even say “chronic depression” out loud to someone other than Holden)

In general terms, here is the current status of where everything stands, as I see it:

Holden and I are strong in our bond and our commitment to each other. Our connection has been severely tested recently.   But even at the worst, most desperate times in all this we’ve maintained a deep rooted desire for each other, be it in the role of lover, comforter, caretaker, listener, cheerleader, or distraction. No matter what was going on or how angry we were at each other, that core element never wavered.

I have come to a stable position of being happy in my monogamous commitment to Holden. While I genuinely wanted to be poly and have relationships with other people (two in particular) beyond my marriage, I have to admit that there was a part of me that was doing it for Holden’s sake. Now that I’ve stepped back and examined everything more carefully I can see that any desire to enter into a polyamorous relationship needs to come entirely from me. Feeling like I should do something because someone else wants it for me, or doing it because I want to prove something to someone are now major red flags for me.  For right now I am happy being monogamous with Holden. That doesn’t mean I won’t want a polyamorous relationship someday, but I’ve got so much to work on to make myself strong that it’ll be a while before I feel ready for another relationship. And that’s okay. I don’t have to feel guilty because I’ve chosen NOT to be poly. I haven’t let Holden down by not trying hard enough or not being brave enough. This is my choice and it feels good and right and solid. And that’s enough.

As for Holden’s relationship with his girlfriend, I am accepting of it. Because of the tension and emotional baggage now attached to her, however, my acceptance only extends to a certain point. It is a passive acceptance, not an embrace. I have gotten to a point that it doesn’t make me hurt, angry, or upset that Holden is dating her, is in love with her, and wants to spend time with her. It does sometimes make me sad when he spends an evening with her.  But that’s not a severe or unexpected reaction and I’m actually kind of proud that I’ve learned to handle it so well.  There is a line, however, that I’m not yet ready to blur. Right now, Holden’s romantic relationship with his girlfriend is completely separate from me and my life. I prefer it that way for a lot of reasons. However, that need of mine does create some inconveniences for the logistics of their relationship and some emotional strife for Holden. I’m taking steps to get more comfortable in areas surrounding that so hopefully with a little more time and patience, I can be more flexible.

So yeah, in general things on my end of the situation seem to be leveling out. I still have a lot of work to do, but at least I feel like I’m standing on firmer ground to do it.

As always thanks for all the support and input. I love hearing from you whether it’s through a comment on this blog or an email at monopolyblog@gmail.com.

-Grace

Speak of the devil?

Ever since Holden and I have been talking about how and when to bring up poly with our friends, there have been little instances of poly-related chat coming up left and right! It’s like once we opened ourselves up to the possibility of talking about it, the universe decided to throw some opportunities our way.

To recap an earlier post, Holden and I decided that we’d feel okay about letting most of our friends know that we’re poly if the topic seems relevant to the conversation. There are a couple of friends we don’t know as well yet, but for the most part, as long as it feels comfortable, we’re not putting any restrictions on each other as far as whether or not to discuss poly as a general topic we’re interested in and as something we identify with.

Just a day or so after we talked about that, we went to lunch with a couple of people Holden had hung out with a few times and I had met once or twice. We spent the whole lunch hour talking about various mundane things, and for some reason Holden had to get back to work before the rest of us did. I stayed with our two friends and somehow the conversation drifted really naturally to polyamory. Because I didn’t know these people as well as Holden did I didn’t feel comfortable acknowledging that we are poly, but I did feel comfortable joining in the conversation and expressing my opinions openly. That may not seem like such a big deal to some people, but to me, it’s a whole new experience to tell the real truth about my opinions and not just stick with what won’t get me in trouble. That’s been Holden’s experience for years, so I guess he sort of takes it for granted anymore, but since I’m moderately new in developing my opinions about these relationship topics, it felt like a huge change in how I communicate with friends. We talked about how a certain college one of them attended had some polyamorous people who would get triple or quad style dorm rooms so they could all live together. It’s a pretty progressive liberal arts college, I guess.

(This topic made me interested in exploring the polyamorous community on college campuses and I’m curious about how other colleges handle the question of polyamory when it comes to student housing.)

When I brought up how I think that monogamy is great as long as it’s a conscious choice and not just what you default to because there’s not supposed to be anything else, they both agreed with me, and I was surprised at how much they both had thought about the idea before we’d spoken. They both identified to me that they’re not polyamorous, but that they can understand why some people would want to be. It was such a nice refreshing conversation to have. What an unexpected surprise! I felt pretty good about it, and after having talked to Holden about it, I now know that had he been there, he would have felt comfortable enough with them to let them know that we are actually polyamorous. Like I said before, I don’t know them as well as he does, so I held off this time, but if it comes up again, I’ll be happy to talk about it.

I’ve got to get going for now, but stay tuned for more posts about this. The world seems to be blossoming before me with new opportunities! I love spring!

-Grace

“Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 6: Wrapping up

After this whole process of exploring the poly world are you a firm believer that you are really happier in this lifestyle or are you simply doing it because you love Holden?

Even though I’ve come to some basic philosophical conclusions, my explorations are nowhere near finished. Holden and I have not even actually HAD a poly relationship yet. We’ve simply become a couple who is currently monogamous but open to the idea of adding additonal partners should the opportunity come up.

As for the idea of doing it because I love Holden, there is some truth to that. Here’s the distinction though: I agreed to try to understand and explore poly because I love Holden. I agreed to do the hard work that goes in to re-examining every assumption about relationships, love, trust, and fidelity because I love Holden. But my decision to actually become open to having a poly relationship with Holden came about through my own independent observations about my own needs and desires, and about how relationships work (or don’t!) in general. Holden has been very careful not to exert too much pressure on me, and believe me when I tell you, that was probably the hardest part of all this for him. Well, maybe. I don’t know, you’d have to ask him about that. But he made it a point to get me to talk about everything as if he was an objective person. His biggest concern was not that I come around to his way of thinking, but that I honestly examine my own feelings in light of new information. While he initiated the process, I carried it in the direction that was most beneficial to me. You’ll notice as this blog continues how Holden and I have come to different conclusions about certain aspects of poly, especially as it relates to the nature vs. nurture argument. It is through these little differences of opinion that you can see that I’ve actually thought this stuff through for myself, and haven’t just accepted Holden’s take on everything.

This wraps up my little series summarizing my current status as a potential polyamorist.

Coming up soon: A discussion on the idea of “coming out,” and hopefully the beginning of a series of reviews of movies dealing with polyamory.

“Chapter 1 and a Half,” Part 5: Path of least resistance

Do you think that if you were given the choice to be monogamous with Holden that you would rather do that, or are you actually a believer that (while it is hard sometimes emotionally) polyamory really is the way to be happy in relationships?

This is one of those questions I’ve had a hard time answering because I was afraid of my answer. But if I look at myself truly honestly and answer as if the answer is just for me, and not to be judged by anyone, I think answering right now, I’d say I’d rather be monogamous with Holden. Of course, if you asked me if I’d rather bike up a steep mountain foothill or along a flat stretch of gravel road, I’d choose the flat gravel road too. It’s human nature to want the path of least resistance. Considering that we don’t actually have anybody else in our relationship, and haven’t had anyone yet, I’ve still never actually experienced what it’s like to be in a poly relationship with Holden. So it’s kind of the devil you know versus the devil you don’t. However, there’s nothing saying that won’t change in the future. All I know for sure right now is that through all the crazy shit we’ve been through in the past year and in years past, Holden has been the best partner for me and regardless of the configuration of our relationship in the future, I am sure I will want it to be with Holden.

“Chapter 1 and a Half,” Part 4: Short but sweet… like me!

Do you guys think that you are making the choice to be a poly couple because it is what you think will work for “you guys,” or are you confident that if you were longer together you would still search for a poly lifestyle?

I think Holden for sure would be poly regardless of whether we were together. I don’t know. I don’t think I would actively seek multiple partners, but rather if multiple people came my way that I wanted a deep relationship with, I wouldn’t rule it out. It’s like that with anything though. I don’t think we go through life “seeking” a relationship, we just learn how to be open to one.

Short answer today. But tomorrow there will be more. Check back for “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 5

“Chapter 1 and a Half,” Part 3: Complications vs. contentment

Do you think that the people who meet and marry one person and spend their lives together are really content?

I think some people have the capacity for that. However, I think they’re much more rare than people who would be more content having multiple partners at some time in their lives.  As I talked about in part 2, there are complications to any relationship, and if a monogamous couple decides that they want to remain monogamous while dealing with all of these complications, that can leave them both feeling happy and fulfilled if it’s what they both truly want.  Now, I don’t think that’s as common or as easy as we’ve been led to believe.  It’s certainly not the norm. 

By “complications” I mean anything that challenges the monogamous feelings of either person in the relationship.  Developing feelings for someone other than one’s partner, lusting after a movie star, finding emotional fulfillment in an Internet relationship that isn’t being found in the real life monogamous relationship are all examples of possible complications.  People in our mainstream society are more likely to deny the complications, sweep them under the rug, or act on their impulses and desires in secret, none of which are healthy.  Open communication is the first requirement in dealing with any complication.  I could go on for pages about what constitutes open communication and strategies to start doing it, but that would be a pretty far digression. 

In short, I think that if a monogamous couple face challenges together openly and honestly and still find they are happiest being monogamous, then they can be content in that.  What most people see as contentment, however, is more often actually resignation. 

Don’t forget to check out the next installment of “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 4!

-Grace

“Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 2: advanced students only, prerequisites required

Do you think that ultimately everyone would be happier if they could take on the polyamorous way of life?

I don’t think polyamory is for everyone. I think there are people out there who are just going to be happier in a monogamous relationship. The problem I see is that monogamy is usually the only choice presented. I think monogamy is fine as long as you’re actively choosing to be monogamous, having considered that there are other possibilities out there. Most people don’t ever consider anything but monogamy and I don’t think that’s healthy. I think a lot more people would choose to be polyamorous if they knew it existed and weren’t told by the powers that be that it’s a bad lifestyle choice.

Polyamory is complicated.  It’s a constant challenge.  I think of it this way: monogamy is Relationship 101-201, sort of the basic course, that is still pretty challenging, but ultimately only pushes you so far.  Polyamory is more like a 300-400 level class that adds such advanced concepts into the lesson as fluid swapping, compersion (a.k.a. frubble), and primary/secondary partners.  You have to learn a whole new vocabulary and a whole new set of strategies. Plus, the level of self examination that is required for someone to even have the remotest chance of making polyamory work can be daunting.  Because of the level of effort involved in just having a moderately successful polyamorous relationship, it’s not necessarily the best option for the lowest common denominator of our population. 

That said, I do think that people who currently have monogamous relationships can benefit greatly from having the honest discussions that can come up with considering the possiblity of poly.  Even if they decide that monogamy is best for them, the fact that they’ve talked these things over can greatly strengthen their monogamous relationship. 

Additionally, anyone who is currently in a monogamous relationship and is considering making it poly had better make sure their monogamous relationship is already good and strong because poly is going to challenge it in surprising ways.  I really believe that if you’re starting out from a monogamous place, you have to sort of “master” monogamy before you can add any additional partners.  Additional partners only multiply complications, they never reduce them.  If you already have a strong base in a committed relationship, you’ll be prepared to handle those additional complications.  If not, then the complications will not only burn your new relationship, but also damage your existing one. 

Whatever your relationship status, it must be a mutually agreed upon arrangement for it to be fulfilling to everyone involved. 

Stay tuned for the next installment, “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 3!

-Grace

Ethical Slut Post #7: The Monogamy Myths: Myth #6

Myth #6: “Swept away by love”

The authors of The Ethical Slut explain this as the feeling that “if you’re really in love with someone, you never have to argue… or do any other kind of work.” I couldn’t believe people really thought that way at first.  It just seemed so silly.  But then I thought about friends of mine who have gone through a frequent pattern of breaking up and getting back together and breaking up and getting back together.   When I’d ask one partner why she broke up with him, it was always over something that Holden and I surely would have fought over, or at the very least discussed, but that would not have been grounds for breaking up.  But for these couples it was easier, or rather more comfortable to break up, spend some time apart, and then come back together.  Except nothing ever got resolved.  If whoever had been in the wrong (or had been perceived to be) came back and begged forgiveness, they’d get back together and in the joy of being a couple again would forget to actually resolve what caused the breakup in the first place.   They’d say “this time things are going to be different,” every time.  I have friends who have been going through this cycle for almost 10 years.  It’s clear that they do love each other.  But they’re not willing to accept that love actually does mean “for better or worse,” to some degree.

Another side of this “swept away” idea is that each partner is supposed to “be enough” for the other; that they won’t ever need anything or want anything but the love of their own partner to feel turned on and satisfied. To this end, everything that isn’t strictly traditional sex between two partners must be a sign that one parter is not feeling satisfied and wants to commit adultery (even if it’s in his or her mind.)  This is something I’ve fallen prey to many times and through my work exploring fantasies, I’m learning how to reassure myself that this isn’t true.  The first time Holden asked me to act out or dress up for a fantasy of his, I felt hurt, like he was wishing I was someone else.  I felt like he wanted to use me so I refused.  We see on TV all the time how the idea that one’s partner would be thinking about someone else while having sex is just about the worst insult.  It’s always worthy of a withering glare, a quick gathering of one’s belongings, and angrily storming out.  Granted, most of the time the revelation of the partner’s fantasy is a surprise (most commonly via a spontaneous screaming of another person’s name during climax) and that’s no way to broach the subject.

The idea of using vibrators and other pleasure devices, including porn, is often looked down on as if a partner has to use a device to make up for something the other partner is lacking.  It’s not really realistic to expect anybody to remain absolutely riveted by the limited variation offered by traditional couple sex forever and ever.  Eventually everyone wants to spice things up one way or another.

The point is that love does not mean a wholesale abandonment of human nature. Two people getting married are still two people and much of what we’re taught by society is trying to make us forget that.

-Grace

You gotta break a few eggs to make a polyamorist

Adapted from some of my comments in the mono_poly community on LiveJournal:

A couple of people seem to have a problem with the idea of anybody tearing down the idea of monogamy for the purpose of embracing polyamory. What I’m getting from you is that if someone chooses polyamory over monogamy, they should do so based on the merits of polyamory, not the flaws of monogamy. I don’t disagree with that idea at all, and in fact I think it’s noble.

Unfortunately, it’s a bit unrealistic for someone like myself. I come from a VERY monogamous background. In fact, I love monogamy. I think it’s a beautiful structure with a graceful balance that reflects the duality of the universe. But I also think that there are aspects of our society that use monogamy to trap people, to control them, and to shame them into fitting an arbitrary mold. Someone said earlier that it is wrong for a book like The Ethical Slut to tell newbies that they are victims. But I feel like a victim, and moreso than I, my husband feels like a victim. He has had these feelings that he is supposed to love many people, not just one, his whole life. He has been scolded, cast out, shunned, and outright punished for putting forth the very notion that there might be more options than traditional monogamy. Now, before you jump all over me, please understand that I’m not trying to generalize. I know that not all monogamous people think and act this way. But you’re kidding yourself if you don’t acknowledge that all forms of media, nearly all churches, and just about every organized facet of society look down upon anything that challenges the traditional structure of monogamy.

I am ashamed to say that I was a perpetrator of this intolerant scorn for most of my life. When my husband first brought the idea of polyamory to me, I was furious. Who was he to challenge the great institution of monogamous love? Fortunately my husband was patient and understanding and helped me through the difficult process of cracking the frame that had been built around my mind, and seeing what other possibilities might be available.

I am still in the midst of that breaking down process. In order to really understand polyamory from an objective standpoint, I first have to break down the understanding I’ve always had of the world that was constructed according to a monogamous plan. It’s not as easy as just saying, “monogamy on the one hand, polyamory on the other hand… hmm… I think I’ll choose poly.” There’s a whole process I have to go through of tearing down the old ways my mind was taught to function and building up a new view with the pieces.

I don’t hate monogamy or monogamists. I never will. Reading The Ethical Slut is not going to turn me into a radical mono-hater. But what it is helping me do in its radicalness is take apart the concept of monogamy and examine it piece by piece, challenging every assumed belief and making sure that what I choose to believe is exactly what I’ve CHOSEN, not what somebody else has constructed for me.

In that sense, the book is proving to be very valuable to me. What I hope will happen is that I will come out of this tearing down and rebuilding process with a more balanced and well-rounded understanding of monogamy and polyamory, much like many of you seem to have.

A few people and I simply disagree on the point that certain aspects of society as we know it sometimes considers sexual desire itself to be destructive.

Now, The Ethical Slut does overly generalize, and that is a flaw of the book as I’ve read it so far. But just this week I was listening to the radio and flipped to one of the weekly messages from a Christian pastor aimed at young people. This message was on the subject of “lust.” The definition this pastor gives of lust is “any sexual thought about any person of the opposite sex [this is obviously in an only-hetero-is-acceptable context] .” He does not clarify about your status with that person. He simply warns teens, especially the boys, that seeing any person in a sexual way is wrong and you must train your mind away from those kinds of thoughts. Now, I know that in typical Christian doctrine, sex is considered a healthy gift from God so long as it’s practiced within marriage, but to tell teens straight up that looking at someone with an appreciation for their sexual appeal is patently wrong is an example of what the authors of The Ethical Slut were talking about with this myth.

And what about the idea that “nice girls” aren’t supposed to want sex? Many of us were socialized by our mothers and other women role models that in order to be respectable you are not supposed to desire sex, that it is something you have to put up with because your husband is going to want it, but that sex is generally gross and uncomfortable. Women with any appetite for sex are immediately looked at with suspicion in some circles, as if they’re some sort of threat to the rest of womankind.

If you never felt ashamed for desiring sex I envy you, because for the majority of my life I have felt that if I desired sex I was never supposed to show it. For the longest time, my husband couldn’t understand why I would never initiate sexual contact but would enjoy sex wholeheartedly once he got us started. It was a sad and miserable existence, feeling like I was not allowed to have sexual fantasies for fear of being ridiculed for them, feeling like no matter how much I wanted to be seductive, it wasn’t welcome, and feeling like I was sinning against God for fantasizing about sex.

So I guess a lot of the myths in The Ethical Slut hit home for me. They embody a lot of the personal frustrations I’m trying to get past in my own mind so I can feel more secure in stepping out of the path that was laid out for me by the rest of the world.

-Grace