Can a leopard change her spots?

Ever since Holden and I have been talking about how and when to bring up poly with our friends, there have been little instances of poly-related chat coming up left and right! It’s like once we opened ourselves up to the possibility of talking about it, the universe decided to throw some opportunities our way.

To recap an earlier post, Holden and I decided that we’d feel okay about letting most of our friends know that we’re poly if the topic seems relevant to the conversation. There are a couple of friends we don’t know as well yet, but for the most part, as long as it feels comfortable, we’re not putting any restrictions on each other as far as whether or not to discuss poly as a general topic we’re interested in and as something we identify with.

Just a day or so after we talked about that, we went to lunch with a couple of people Holden had hung out with a few times and I had met once or twice. We spent the whole lunch hour talking about various mundane things, and for some reason Holden had to get back to work before the rest of us did. I stayed with our two friends and somehow the conversation drifted really naturally to polyamory. Because I didn’t know these people as well as Holden did I didn’t feel comfortable acknowledging that we are poly, but I did feel comfortable joining in the conversation and expressing my opinions openly. That may not seem like such a big deal to some people, but to me, it’s a whole new experience to tell the real truth about my opinions and not just stick with what won’t get me in trouble. That’s been Holden’s experience for years, so I guess he sort of takes it for granted anymore, but since I’m moderately new in developing my opinions about these relationship topics, it felt like a huge change in how I communicate with friends. We talked about how a certain college one of them attended had some polyamorous people who would get triple or quad style dorm rooms so they could all live together. It’s a pretty progressive liberal arts college, I guess.

(This topic made me interested in exploring the polyamorous community on college campuses and I’m curious about how other colleges handle the question of polyamory when it comes to student housing.)

When I brought up how I think that monogamy is great as long as it’s a conscious choice and not just what you default to because there’s not supposed to be anything else, they both agreed with me, and I was surprised at how much they both had thought about the idea before we’d spoken. They both identified to me that they’re not polyamorous, but that they can understand why some people would want to be. It was such a nice refreshing conversation to have. What an unexpected surprise! I felt pretty good about it, and after having talked to Holden about it, I now know that had he been there, he would have felt comfortable enough with them to let them know that we are actually polyamorous. Like I said before, I don’t know them as well as he does, so I held off this time, but if it comes up again, I’ll be happy to talk about it.

I’ve got to get going for now, but stay tuned for more posts about this. The world seems to be blossoming before me with new opportunities! I love spring!

-Grace

Do you guys think that you are making the choice to be a poly couple because it is what you think will work for “you guys,” or are you confident that if you were longer together you would still search for a poly lifestyle?

I think Holden for sure would be poly regardless of whether we were together. I don’t know. I don’t think I would actively seek multiple partners, but rather if multiple people came my way that I wanted a deep relationship with, I wouldn’t rule it out. It’s like that with anything though. I don’t think we go through life “seeking” a relationship, we just learn how to be open to one.

Short answer today. But tomorrow there will be more. Check back for “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 5

Do you think that the people who meet and marry one person and spend their lives together are really content?

I think some people have the capacity for that. However, I think they’re much more rare than people who would be more content having multiple partners at some time in their lives.  As I talked about in part 2, there are complications to any relationship, and if a monogamous couple decides that they want to remain monogamous while dealing with all of these complications, that can leave them both feeling happy and fulfilled if it’s what they both truly want.  Now, I don’t think that’s as common or as easy as we’ve been led to believe.  It’s certainly not the norm. 

By “complications” I mean anything that challenges the monogamous feelings of either person in the relationship.  Developing feelings for someone other than one’s partner, lusting after a movie star, finding emotional fulfillment in an Internet relationship that isn’t being found in the real life monogamous relationship are all examples of possible complications.  People in our mainstream society are more likely to deny the complications, sweep them under the rug, or act on their impulses and desires in secret, none of which are healthy.  Open communication is the first requirement in dealing with any complication.  I could go on for pages about what constitutes open communication and strategies to start doing it, but that would be a pretty far digression. 

In short, I think that if a monogamous couple face challenges together openly and honestly and still find they are happiest being monogamous, then they can be content in that.  What most people see as contentment, however, is more often actually resignation. 

Don’t forget to check out the next installment of “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 4!

-Grace

Do you think that ultimately everyone would be happier if they could take on the polyamorous way of life?

I don’t think polyamory is for everyone. I think there are people out there who are just going to be happier in a monogamous relationship. The problem I see is that monogamy is usually the only choice presented. I think monogamy is fine as long as you’re actively choosing to be monogamous, having considered that there are other possibilities out there. Most people don’t ever consider anything but monogamy and I don’t think that’s healthy. I think a lot more people would choose to be polyamorous if they knew it existed and weren’t told by the powers that be that it’s a bad lifestyle choice.

Polyamory is complicated.  It’s a constant challenge.  I think of it this way: monogamy is Relationship 101-201, sort of the basic course, that is still pretty challenging, but ultimately only pushes you so far.  Polyamory is more like a 300-400 level class that adds such advanced concepts into the lesson as fluid swapping, compersion (a.k.a. frubble), and primary/secondary partners.  You have to learn a whole new vocabulary and a whole new set of strategies. Plus, the level of self examination that is required for someone to even have the remotest chance of making polyamory work can be daunting.  Because of the level of effort involved in just having a moderately successful polyamorous relationship, it’s not necessarily the best option for the lowest common denominator of our population. 

That said, I do think that people who currently have monogamous relationships can benefit greatly from having the honest discussions that can come up with considering the possiblity of poly.  Even if they decide that monogamy is best for them, the fact that they’ve talked these things over can greatly strengthen their monogamous relationship. 

Additionally, anyone who is currently in a monogamous relationship and is considering making it poly had better make sure their monogamous relationship is already good and strong because poly is going to challenge it in surprising ways.  I really believe that if you’re starting out from a monogamous place, you have to sort of “master” monogamy before you can add any additional partners.  Additional partners only multiply complications, they never reduce them.  If you already have a strong base in a committed relationship, you’ll be prepared to handle those additional complications.  If not, then the complications will not only burn your new relationship, but also damage your existing one. 

Whatever your relationship status, it must be a mutually agreed upon arrangement for it to be fulfilling to everyone involved. 

Stay tuned for the next installment, “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 3!

-Grace

A couple of months ago I met a woman, Cindy, and we hit it off pretty well as friends. We had a lot in common and enjoyed doing a lot of the same things, so I invited her to a weekly gathering Holden and I attend. She said she was looking for some new friends in the area and this was a great opportunity for me to introduce her around to some of my other friends. She started coming to our weekly get togethers and seemed to hit it off with several other members of the group. I felt pretty good about bringing a new friend into my life.

As Holden and I spent more time talking with Cindy, she expressed to us how liberal and open minded she was about all kinds of things.  At one point, Holden decided it would be ok to talk to her about the general idea that he and I are considering practicing polyamory, and specifically polyfidelity.  He wasn’t interested in her, specifically, but she seemed like the kind of person he could discuss the concept with.  I wasn’t present when the conversation started, but by the time I arrived, Cindy was already asking questions and listening in an engaged way to what Holden was explaining.  It was all very general and sort of “just scraping the surface” but it was kind of refreshing to be talking with someone in person fairly openly about how we feel about faithfulness, commitment, and relationships.  At some point she had to leave, but the conversation ended on a good note and Holden thought of a few things she had asked about that he wanted to give her more clarification on later.  He sent her an email later explaining some more details about some questions she had, and also a clarification that this is a rather sensitive subject and that we’d appreciate it if she’d sort of keep it between us, since we’re not comfortable about everyone knowing just yet.  Her response was terse and dismissive.  Something along the lines of, “How dare you tell me all this stuff and then tell me I have to keep secrets for you.  I’m not interested anyway.”  Holden replied that he was sorry he’d made her uncomfortable and that in the future we could refrain from talking about that subject if it would help.  He further clarified that it wasn’t that we were asking her to keep a secret, just to show some discretion in how he handled the topic, should it come up.  He apologized again, and said he hoped we could all have drinks together at the next get together.  She then promptly blocked our email and Facebook contacts and has since stopped coming to anything we go to. 

Now, I was actually a little bothered that Holden took it upon himself to talk to Cindy about poly in the first place.  I wasn’t comfortable with her at that level yet and I didn’t feel like we knew her well enough to have that discussion.  Holden has since agreed with me that it was a mistake to bring it up to her, especially without talking to me about the idea first.  But regardless of whether or not Holden was right in talking about it with her, Cindy’s reaction is really puzzling to both of us. 

For one thing, she seemed genuinely interested in learning more about the topic.  She asked some really intuitive questions and seemed at the time to be receiving our answers positively, or at the very least neutrally.  Maybe Holden’s request for discretion was misinterpreted, or maybe he worded it wrong, but I’m having a hard time seeing why it prompted such a strong response from her.  I guess it’s a sensitive request for her. 

 And lastly, I didn’t see Holden give Cindy any indication that he was talking to her about poly because he wanted to have a relationship with HER.  When she said, “I’m not interested” I wanted to tell her, “don’t flatter yourself! He’s not interested in you either!” 

It’s not really all that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.  Cindy hasn’t been in contact with any of our other friends either.  I do feel kind of bad that this encounter has seemed to soured her on our whole group of friends (who meet around a topic completely unrelated to sexuality or poly.)  Ultimately, Holden and I haven’t taken it too hard.  I mean, we tried to reach out to her when she got uncomfortable, but she clearly didn’t want that, so I guess that was her choice. 

I knew there would be some people in life that would simply reject us outright for our feelings about relationships, but I didn’t expect it to be someone who touts herself as an open minded liberal person with a strong drive to question authority and the status quo, as Cindy claimed and seemed to be. 

On the bright side, Holden and I (especially Holden) have learned a valuable lesson about when it’s ok to bring up poly and how to go about preparing for the discussion. 

It was, in fact, a VERY nice weekend! I am feeling a renewed sense of strength in my relationship with Holden, in Holden’s commitment to do this right, and in my own ability to navigate my emotions. I guess I’ll dive right in to the post.

First of all, remember how I talked earlier about the sort of two levels of friendship in my life? Well, Josie is one of those who’s in the closer set, the ones I trust most and would most likely feel most comfortable inviting into our relationship. The two of them had always had a flirtatious relationship and unlike with other girls, it never bothered me as much with Josie because of what good friends she and I were. She showed me through her actions and in her willingness to be open in discussions that she was genuinely a good friend and also that she wasn’t interested in coming between me and Holden, but rather wanted both of us as parts of her life. If she was sexually attracted to Holden, she never turned that into jealousy of me or acted like I was some kind of threat. Because of her already positive temperament, it didn’t bother me as much that Holden was attracted to her and enjoyed flirting with her.

Before Josie arrived, I talked with Holden about what he hoped for in his relationship with her. He told me that as much as he likes her and as fun and rewarding as it could be to start something more romantic from their friendship, it’s probably not possible due to the current circumstances and he was perfectly fine with that. He didn’t want to pursue anything he knew she wouldn’t be able to commit to. On the other hand, he was looking forward to being able to flirt with her openly.

As good as I felt about Josie and as hopeful I was that this time the communication between me and Holden beforehand would result in a better experience with this visit, I was still a little anxious about things. Even though I knew Holden wasn’t planning to pursue anything more than a flirtatious friendship, I also knew that he could be impulsive and I worried that he might get carried away once they were “in the moment” so to speak. It sounds silly looking back on it now, but I really feared the idea that things would heat up between them while I wasn’t around and I’d be the last to know. Putting my faith in open communication again, I talked with Holden about this. Specifically, I wanted to be with him when he went to pick her up. Some little part of my insecurity drilled away in my brain about things like, “It’s been a long time since they’ve seen each other. They’ll be so happy to see each other that they’ll hug a little longer than usual and maybe that moment will spark some deeper emotion in them and he’ll have her in his arms anyway so he might just lean down and kiss her impulsively! Then there’s the long drive back to our house during which they’d have time to talk about their longing for each other and they’d even have time to square up their story to me to keep me from knowing that they’d gone too far!”

Did I mention that my insecure inner voice is straight out of a Victorian novel? For some reason my insecurity always wants to use words like “betrayal” and “forsaken” and “impropriety.” Completely annoying.

As it worked out I was able to be there to pick her up and we had a really nice happy car ride back home. Then we had a really nice happy dinner together. Then I realized that this trip was unlikely to become anything but really nice and happy! Josie was here to see ME after all too, so it wasn’t like the two of them would want to be sneaking off alone anywhere to “pick up where they’d left off.” There wasn’t anything left off to pick up! If anything was going to happen, I was going to be involved from the start, and that felt great.

There was even a moment that might have been my first glimpse of what compersion might feel like. I’m still not sure I’d call what I felt compersion exactly, but it was more a certain level of comfort and trust that surprised me at the time and sort of left me in a daze afterward, but a nice daze.

Holden and Josie and I had come back from some excursion somewhere, probably out to eat, and we had lit the fireplace. The three of us are all ticklish and of course, as always happens at one point or another with us, someone started a tickle fight. In the past, my feelings had been hurt when Holden would have tickle fights with other girls, but not include me. Later I found out that it wasn’t him that was excluding me, but the other girl. This time, though, Josie and I teamed up against Holden and he didn’t have a chance!

When none of us could breathe, we all collapsed onto the couch, Holden in the middle, and Josie and I on either side of him. I didn’t even notice it at first, but both Josie and I had our heads on Holden’s shoulders and he had a hand on each of our shoulders. When I noticed, I glanced up to Holden’s face and he smiled at me, kissed me on the forehead, and squeezed my shoulder. I turned my eyes down toward Josie, who was dreamily watching the fireplace. I was most surprised by the absense of certain emotions, not necessarily the presence of anything new. I always knew that Josie and Holden had affectionate feelings for each other, both as really good friends, and also with some attraction between them. But when I expected to feel jealous and threatened and panicky, I looked to those parts of my psyche, and they were empty! Just… nothing there. The lack of fear was actually really disorienting! I wasn’t quite sure what to do with the void at first. I looked around, took it all in, and started creating new thoughts and feelings to go there. I didn’t worry too much at the time about thinking it through and defining things. I didn’t really have words to describe what I was feeling (and still don’t) but it was more or less just a feeling of “This is ok. This is not scary like I thought it would be. There she is and here I am. I feel love from Holden and I feel friendly affection and sisterhood from Josie. I feel respect from Josie. I don’t feel competition. I feel joy in a shared moment.” The rush of new feelings really knocked me off balance in a way I never expected. It was like the rush of a roller coaster leaving you breathless and wobbly legged as you step out of the seat.

I will admit there was one moment of paranoia that crept in sometime during the weekend. It turned out to be absolutely silly and that’s how I dispelled it for myself, but I’ll describe it for you anyway. At the very least you’ll probably get a laugh out of it.

I went into the bathroom to take a shower and I could hear Holden and Josie laughing and talking through the door. I took a 20 minute shower and when I was done, I couldn’t hear them through the door anymore. I wondered, “What could they be doing that’s so quiet?” Immediately, that stupid jealous voice that knots my stomach up chimed in with, “What if they’re kissing?! What if they’re spread out on the bed touching each other?!” I was embarrassed for myself over even HAVING these thoughts, much less acting on them, but there I was, my ear to the inside of the bathroom door, certain I was going to hear little moans of pleasure or the soft smack of a surreptitious kiss. Then I mentally whacked myself for going all “Victorian” again, took a deep breath while donning my bathrobe, and stepped out into the hallway to see Josie in the bedroom by herself, reading a newspaper online. Holden wasn’t even in the room! In fact, he was in the kitchen making lunch or something for all of us! Another mental whack upside the head, and I was back to feeling fine.

So the whole visit was really warm and fuzzy. Holden and I went to bed each night super happy to be alone with each other and just revel in the closeness we felt with each other at how well everything was going. We were both really sad to see Josie go back home.

A few days later Holden brought up an idea to me. He asked how I would feel about having a poly relationship that didn’t include sex. He described it as having greater affection between partners, showing love with cuddles and kisses and perhaps touching and fondling and pleasure, but not going as far as actually going to bed together. Of course, that was what I had in mind as perhaps the second stage of a poly relationship as I’d see it anyway, so I told him that would probably be cool, as long as all our other requirements come with it: open communication, concern for all people’s feelings, a commitment to go only as far as everyone’s comfortable with, etc. He didn’t say specifically whether he meant that to be about Josie, but from what we both know about her and about other particular restrictions that would have to be considered, it was more or less understood that it probably applied to her. We didn’t have time to go into it further at that time, but I can honestly say that at this moment, I would be ready to have that discussion with Josie.

I’m not sure where all this is going to go, but I’m ready for the discussion if it comes up, and that feels like a huge tiny step.

Holden speaks… again:

So first off I want to apologize for not having contributed much here thus far. I hope to remedy that in the coming weeks and months.

Also, apologies for the long silence here. Grace and I have been rather busy lately with several other aspects of life and have not had the time more recently to discuss as much as we’d like nor the time to post about what we have discussed.

So tonight, a positive update. Better understanding each other:

A few weeks back we were discussing attraction. I wanted to know what Grace might be looking for in potential partners, what she would be looking for in partners for me, and Grace wanted to know what specifically I found attractive about people I had expressed interest in. I started to relate how I was attracted to the drive of one, and the similarities in my childhood and how we both feel about society with another, and various other character traits that I found attractive in them. Grace asked again what I found attractive about them, and I looked at her questioningly. I responded saying that the things I had already mentioned attracted me to them. Grace asked more directly then: “But what do you find physically or sexually attractive about them?”

Understanding better now, though still somewhat confused I mentioned a few of the physical aspects that I liked about them but concluded with: “…though, I find most people sexually attractive in one way or another. Granted some more than others, but for me nearly everyone is physically desirable in some way. So it really does come down to the other aspects on if I find myself attracted to them.”

Now it was Grace’s turn to look bewildered.

Through our discussion we found ourselves to be nearly complete opposites in the way of sexual attraction and through that how we could find ourselves in potential relationships. I would say that I personally find about 80% or more of the people I meet sexually attractive, while grace only finds herself attracted to 20% or less of those we meet.

For Grace, sexual attraction is immediate. Meaning that if she doesn’t find herself physically attracted to someone at the moment she meets them, it’s never going to happen. It doesn’t matter how cool the person is, or how close of a friendship she might develop with that person, it will never be able to be any more than that for her. With me the opposite is the case. I can swing in and out of interest with someone based on how I relate to that person. Additionally as I find myself physically attracted to the vast majority of people, you had better have some other trait that causes you to stand out, for me to feel any genuine interest. Physical beauty has very little to do with it for me because of that.

And this had been an unknown hangup of ours for some time. Grace later told me that she always thought I was keeping the details of what I found physically attractive in others from her in order to spare her feelings, but she genuinely wanted to know. And she felt like I was keeping something from her by not telling her (and feeling like your partner is keeping something from you is a guarantee that things won’t be progressing happily). Where as in truth, I wasn’t mentioning those aspects because to my mind they were nearly entirely unimportant. I honestly didn’t realize that she was asking me for those specific details when she would ask me what I found attractive in someone.

With our new understanding we’ve been discussing more and giving each other more details than we have in the past. Specifically I’ve begun to mention what I find physically attractive in others to Grace as it helps her to understand where I am. Alternatively as there is such a lower percentage of possible partners out there for Grace, I have asked her to tell me whenever we pass or see someone that she finds sexually attractive so I have the best idea of that she desires in a potential partner.

Coming soon: recent trips, past errors, and new interests (for Grace this time).

The last three or four months have been really hard for me and Holden, despite there being some really exciting things going on for us. We’ve both started new jobs in a new city. We’ve adjusted to living in my mom’s house while waiting for everything to come through on a house of our own. We’ve gone house hunting, come up with a budget for fixing up a run down house, and found what seems to be the house of our dreams. All of that has been exciting but also challenging, taxing us mentally and emotionally. It all involves quite a bit of risk and I think most people would agree that when taking a risk, it’s good to have a strong foundation in your relationship with your spouse so you can help each other through the scary parts. In the midst of all this excitement and necessary turmoil, however, there has been additional turmoil accompanying what some might call a potential polyamorous relationship that went sour and took everyone down with it.

I may have written here previously about a friend of Holden’s who reminded me eerily of a girl who had brought about much damage to our relationship in the past. I think I expressed my trepidation about her and Holden’s deepening affection for her. I’m not in a frame of mind to write about all the details right now, but to sum up: Holden told her he liked her and might possibly be interested in seeing if something more could develop between them in the future. She and I never really hit it off very well, but I tried to get to know her better, hoping to see what Holden saw in her. I did not, though he kept insisting there was more good to her than I was seeing. I saw mostly bad. But I gave the friendship a chance. We took a weekend trip to visit her and some of our other friends. I knew Holden had wanted to see her very badly because he’d been helping her deal with a lot of family, social, and financial issues. I also knew that there would probably be a level of affection between them that had not been manifest before, and I talked to Holden about how I feared this might make me uncomfortable and he promised to do his best to check in with me and make sure I was doing ok. We saw most of the other friends we traveled there to see, but we spent the lion’s share of our time with her. Because of a misunderstanding and a failure to communicate while out at a club dancing, she became infuriated with Holden and myself and has been giving Holden the silent treatment off and on for two months since. I’d say she was giving me the silent treatment too, except she never really talked to me that much to begin with. But I suppose her not responding to my email asking her to talk to me about what she was upset about was signal enough that she specifically intended NOT to talk to me.

For two months and some change, Holden and I have battled over this. I felt that because of her previous risky sexual behavior, her love of acting impulsively, and the way she completely blew off the amount of sacrifice and patience Holden had offered her during our trip she was not a good person for him to start a relationship with. Not to mention the fact that she would barely carry on a conversation with me, and often threw up defensive behavior whenever I was around. With Holden and my understanding of how a poly relationship in our lives would work (open communication among ALL those involved, not just between dedicated partners), this was a big hurdle to be overcome. He agreed with me on all these points, and repeatedly insisted that as things were with her at that time he could not start a more serious relationship with her.

But his analysis of her behavior was very open-ended. He wanted to allow room for a friendship and for his ability to help her grow into a person capable of handling the level of communication and responsibility a truly poly relationship would require. I saw this as him wanting to “fix” what was wrong with her so she would be an acceptable partner, and I flipped out over it.

All this battling went on during the period of silence imposed by this girl. When she did finally step up to communicate with Holden, her tone was full of venom, both at me for what she had perceived as my rude behavior toward her (even though I had made an effort to get closer to her that weekend), and at him for not having put me in my place for said behavior. What makes this all the more ironic is that Holden and I had both felt like she had taken our visit for granted and had treated US rudely, though we’d held our tongues about it, he out of sympathy for her stressful situation (and also out of affection for her), and I in an effort to keep the peace and not spoil the time she was spending with her mother, who had recently been diagnosed with cancer.

Her attack took me by surprise. She used words like “beast” and “rabid” and “rude” to describe me to Holden, while admonishing him for being weak and encouraging him to “grow a pair.” And apparently this all stemmed from the fact that Holden and I had danced as a couple in the nightclub. The way she lashed out felt almost bizarre in its flailing attempt to wound Holden over what she had perceived as his lack of attention toward her feelings. Nevermind the fact that he’d spent two and a half hours talking with her the night before, had breakfast with her that morning, went shoe shopping with her that afternoon, and waited for her for three hours to show up at the night club.

I thought that this surely would have to be the last straw. Surely this is not the way a friend treats another friend, much less a (potential) lover. Holden set to work responding to her accusations. He spent the better part of a day composing his thoughts and drafting a response that exhibited self control, but was still biting in all the right ways.

He ended it by telling her he was in serious doubt over whether or not they could still be friends. But again, it was open-ended, nothing final, nothing closed. It still left that possibility for her to win her way back into his good graces.

I was satisfied with how he defended me in the email, and I was pleased at how he had stuck up for himself in light of her accusations meant to emasculate him. But his unwillingness to write her off as a friend after how she had treated him irked me. I couldn’t understand how he could open himself up to be kicked around by her yet again, for this had not been the first time they had had a falling out over her self-centered way of being inconsiderate.

Unfortunately, all this was in the midst of my stress associated with securing a mortgage, interviewing contractors, haggling with insurance agents, and dealing with settling into our new jobs. That kind of hectic life is so draining that we never really got a chance to come to our own closure over the whole thing with this girl. I was just kind of hoping to put that on the back burner until a few of these high stress things had been settled and I could have that segment of my brain back to process this kind of discussion.

Because we hadn’t had a chance to talk about that or about other poly and relationship type things, it came as a complete shock to me when this evening I came home from working a 10 hour day to the news that Holden had been speaking with another female friend of ours (this one I like much better) and had told her that he liked her a lot and would like to see if something more could develop from their friendship. Now, under normal circumstances, sans house, jobs, contractors, and overtime, I would have been perfectly fine with the idea of exploring what could come of a relationship with this person. I genuinely like her a lot and while we’re not as close as I’d like us to be, she definitely holds a lot more respect in my book. However, I was NOT READY for Holden to embark on a journey of exploration which I was supposed to be a part of (at his insistence) in the midst of dealing with all this other stuff AND so soon after things had gotten so ugly with the other girl. Because we hadn’t really gotten to talk about things between managing chaos, he didn’t realize that I had been more wounded by the attack on my character than I had let on. He had mentioned this new girl to me months ago before things really got rolling with the other girl, and so he assumed since I was cool with it then I would be cool with it now. But what he didn’t take into account was how much this experience of being chewed up and spit out by a potential partner of his had shaken me up. My confidence in him had been damaged, my confidence in myself had been severely dented, and with all the crazy things going on in our lives, I had not been able to slow down long enough to deal with any of it.

So tonight we had it out. I’d like to say that after discussing everything we’re both on the same page and ready to get back to tackling our mutually hectic life, but we’re not. I think we’re closer to it than we were before we talked, and tomorrow’s daylight will surely give things a more comprehensible perspective. But right now, as I sit across the room from him, I am hurting. I am frustrated, worn out, desperate for a break in the madness so I can just get my head together and think. My self confidence over how well I can spring back from a blow is waning. I feel weak and defeated for allowing the mean things that girl said about me to affect how I feel about myself, even though I know I didn’t act the way she says I did. I was hoping for a rest from relationship challenges at least for the time it takes to close on the house and sign the paperwork (which would have been just under a week at the most.) But no. The gods of chaos dictate that I am to deal with this at THEIR whim, and what fun would it be for them if I only had to deal with one crisis, one challenge, one test of faith at a time?

Holden is walking around the house very carefully. Occasionally he tries to catch my eye. If he does, he offers me a weak smile. He feels bad, guilty, sorry for putting me through this, for not having seen what I couldn’t show him in the first place. At this very moment, and quite possibly for the rest of the night, I am not yet done feeling hurt and angry. I don’t think I feel up to sharing with him the too small bed we occupy while staying at my mother’s house. I don’t really feel like going to the trouble of finding a sheet and blanket to spread out on the couch tonight either. While my aching head is longing to rest on his shoulder and cry myself to sleep, my arms are twitching with my pent up desire to punch him repeatedly. I’m fighting the urge to punish him, but for what? For being himself? For expressing love for a friend? No, that’s not even the point. I just need a break, I need to breathe.

Adapted from some of my comments in the mono_poly community on LiveJournal:

A couple of people seem to have a problem with the idea of anybody tearing down the idea of monogamy for the purpose of embracing polyamory. What I’m getting from you is that if someone chooses polyamory over monogamy, they should do so based on the merits of polyamory, not the flaws of monogamy. I don’t disagree with that idea at all, and in fact I think it’s noble.

Unfortunately, it’s a bit unrealistic for someone like myself. I come from a VERY monogamous background. In fact, I love monogamy. I think it’s a beautiful structure with a graceful balance that reflects the duality of the universe. But I also think that there are aspects of our society that use monogamy to trap people, to control them, and to shame them into fitting an arbitrary mold. Someone said earlier that it is wrong for a book like The Ethical Slut to tell newbies that they are victims. But I feel like a victim, and moreso than I, my husband feels like a victim. He has had these feelings that he is supposed to love many people, not just one, his whole life. He has been scolded, cast out, shunned, and outright punished for putting forth the very notion that there might be more options than traditional monogamy. Now, before you jump all over me, please understand that I’m not trying to generalize. I know that not all monogamous people think and act this way. But you’re kidding yourself if you don’t acknowledge that all forms of media, nearly all churches, and just about every organized facet of society look down upon anything that challenges the traditional structure of monogamy.

I am ashamed to say that I was a perpetrator of this intolerant scorn for most of my life. When my husband first brought the idea of polyamory to me, I was furious. Who was he to challenge the great institution of monogamous love? Fortunately my husband was patient and understanding and helped me through the difficult process of cracking the frame that had been built around my mind, and seeing what other possibilities might be available.

I am still in the midst of that breaking down process. In order to really understand polyamory from an objective standpoint, I first have to break down the understanding I’ve always had of the world that was constructed according to a monogamous plan. It’s not as easy as just saying, “monogamy on the one hand, polyamory on the other hand… hmm… I think I’ll choose poly.” There’s a whole process I have to go through of tearing down the old ways my mind was taught to function and building up a new view with the pieces.

I don’t hate monogamy or monogamists. I never will. Reading The Ethical Slut is not going to turn me into a radical mono-hater. But what it is helping me do in its radicalness is take apart the concept of monogamy and examine it piece by piece, challenging every assumed belief and making sure that what I choose to believe is exactly what I’ve CHOSEN, not what somebody else has constructed for me.

In that sense, the book is proving to be very valuable to me. What I hope will happen is that I will come out of this tearing down and rebuilding process with a more balanced and well-rounded understanding of monogamy and polyamory, much like many of you seem to have.

A few people and I simply disagree on the point that certain aspects of society as we know it sometimes considers sexual desire itself to be destructive.

Now, The Ethical Slut does overly generalize, and that is a flaw of the book as I’ve read it so far. But just this week I was listening to the radio and flipped to one of the weekly messages from a Christian pastor aimed at young people. This message was on the subject of “lust.” The definition this pastor gives of lust is “any sexual thought about any person of the opposite sex [this is obviously in an only-hetero-is-acceptable context] .” He does not clarify about your status with that person. He simply warns teens, especially the boys, that seeing any person in a sexual way is wrong and you must train your mind away from those kinds of thoughts. Now, I know that in typical Christian doctrine, sex is considered a healthy gift from God so long as it’s practiced within marriage, but to tell teens straight up that looking at someone with an appreciation for their sexual appeal is patently wrong is an example of what the authors of The Ethical Slut were talking about with this myth.

And what about the idea that “nice girls” aren’t supposed to want sex? Many of us were socialized by our mothers and other women role models that in order to be respectable you are not supposed to desire sex, that it is something you have to put up with because your husband is going to want it, but that sex is generally gross and uncomfortable. Women with any appetite for sex are immediately looked at with suspicion in some circles, as if they’re some sort of threat to the rest of womankind.

If you never felt ashamed for desiring sex I envy you, because for the majority of my life I have felt that if I desired sex I was never supposed to show it. For the longest time, my husband couldn’t understand why I would never initiate sexual contact but would enjoy sex wholeheartedly once he got us started. It was a sad and miserable existence, feeling like I was not allowed to have sexual fantasies for fear of being ridiculed for them, feeling like no matter how much I wanted to be seductive, it wasn’t welcome, and feeling like I was sinning against God for fantasizing about sex.

So I guess a lot of the myths in The Ethical Slut hit home for me. They embody a lot of the personal frustrations I’m trying to get past in my own mind so I can feel more secure in stepping out of the path that was laid out for me by the rest of the world.

-Grace

In this episode, Minx is interviewing her lover, Graydancer and his wife, Genevieve about something called New Relationship Energy (NRE.) This is a term I only just learned about. I guess it means the excited, giddy feeling you have when you’ve just started a new relationship with someone. This can be hard for an existing partner to cope with when their partner takes a new lover. It can be a time of heightened jealousy and envy, as well as exposing previously unimportant insecurities, or unearthing old ones that may have been quelled in the past.

In a hypothetical imagining of mine, I can see how I would react if Holden had a new love interest that I wasn’t involved in. He would come home with that goofy grin on his face, eager to tell me everything, and I would listen. But all the while I would be mourning the NRE that we will never have again. “He used to grin about ME like that. I wonder if he talked this excitedly about me to his friends. I wonder what I can do to make him that excited to see me again. What would it take to get him to daydream about me like he does about her?”

I try to put myself in Genevieve’s shoes. She decided to try polyamory because her husband Graydancer wanted to be polyamorous. I suspect her insecurity and jealousy were strong like mine when the idea first came up but they were very devoted to each other and through lots of talking and I’m sure lots of negotiating and probably crying, they figured out what they could be comfortable with.

Genevieve talked about the time it took for her to become acclimatized to seeing Graydancer with his other lover, Minx. She said it was definitely a shock the first time she saw them kissing, and that it took several years for her to finally get to be so comfortable with seeing the two of them relating to each other lovingly that she could feel totally happy for Graydancer and not feel jealous first.

I worry deep down that I may never get to that point. I worry that it will always cause me pain to see or even think about Holden being so affectionate with another woman. Just like there’s still a little voice in the back of my head that scolds me for not living up to my grandparents’ standards (“What would Grandpa think of this?” “What would Grandma say if you told her you did this?”) I feel like there would always be a voice in the back of my head chastising me for betraying the “true” meaning of marriage, of practicing moral relativism, and of making up my own rules just to make myself feel good regardless of “what I know is right.” The cultural conditioning for monogamy is very strong and not only will I have to get my own personal problems under control, but I’ll also have to come to terms with how I feel about the cultural perspective. When I think of it that way, I can understand why I should expect it to take several years for me to feel comfortable.

One thing that Graydancer said was that “our society doesn’t leave any room for that idea. We’re not used to seeing the person we love kissing someone else… and expecting to be happy about it. That takes a lot of practice.”

He went on to say that there are two big things to remember to make a priority when you’re dealing with NRE: time and attention. It’s important for the partner who’s taking a new lover to spend time and more importantly attention on his/her established lover to make sure they know how much they’re still valued and adored. That’s something I can see Holden being fairly good at, though it may take a reminder from time to time.

-Grace