Taking a step out into the light.

Holden and I have taken the process of coming out as poly to our friends very slowly and carefully. It took me a long time to dispel my fear of being out. A lot of that fear had to do with my own personal confidence in the poly lifestyle and how ready I felt to discuss it in a positive way. When things were hard for me with poly, even though I was fully dedicated to sticking with it and working with Holden through all of the problems, I didn’t really want to discuss it with new people. I didn’t want my tone of voice or reticence about certain topics to make it seem like I was being dragged along or victimized in all this. That’s on top of the very real fear of word getting back to my tight-knit traditional Catholic family whom I love very deeply and need to hide this from in order to keep that connection. (It’s something Holden and I have discussed at length and that we agree is a sad but necessary sacrifice.)

But I’ve got my confidence back and I’ve spent the time between then and now thinking deeply about the relationships I have with these friends and how close and trusting we are of each other. There is definitely a list of “approved” and “not approved” people between Holden and myself that we review with each other every so often.

We are not the only ones involved in this decision, though. While Holden’s girlfriend’s husband is not ready to be out and understandably wants control of that aspect of his life, we have an arrangement that lets me and Holden be honest with our friends, but maintains that boundary. Holden and I may out ourselves and speak honestly about Holden being involved with someone, but the specifics about who he’s involved with have to stay hidden. That way we can out ourselves and not out the other couple without their permission.

Such was the case at a social gathering this weekend. The conversation turned to relationship issues and as I looked around I noticed that the people we were with who didn’t already know about us were on the approved list Holden and I had discussed.  We just hadn’t gotten around to bringing it up with them yet.  Just for clarity’s sake, Holden and I have a sort of “need to know” attitude about this with our friends. If it comes up and is relevant to whatever is going on, then that’s a time to mention that we’re poly. If circumstances called for it, a “sit down, lets talk about something” kind of discussion could happen but that didn’t seem terribly likely.

Anyway, as the discussion progressed, I felt really comfortable at that moment allowing ourselves to be included in the conversation as people with open marriage experience. This comfort was made easier by the fact that two other people there had already either identified themselves openly as polyamorous or as having friends who are. That combined with the comfort level I felt with the rest of the people involved made it pretty easy to get an okay from Holden and give him my okay that we could be fully honest with this group.

It felt great to talk openly about our philosophy and what open marriage is like. Our friends had a couple of questions, as we expected, but the whole experience was super comfortable and while I still felt a little nervous, it felt very liberating as well.  Most importantly, I felt really loved and accepted by my friends. That was the best feeling of all.

According to the agreed-upon process, Holden notified the other couple the next morning of who we’d come out to and under what circumstances. And overall I feel good about it. I’m still having to take a few deep breaths to calm myself, but that’s to be expected with any big step out of a comfort zone.

And now I’m off to bask in the memory of that love and acceptance.

-Grace

False positives revealed?

As I’ve been thinking back about my feelings over the past year, and the so called achievements I made in personal growth, I’ve had to confront the fact that many of the signs that I was learning to overcome my jealousy were not really there at all.

It’s been hard to admit to myself but the times I thought I was feeling compersion or at the very least feeling happy that things were working out for Holden and his girlfriend were really based on my own insecurities being placated, not out of a mature sense of relationship freedom.  For a long time Holden’s girlfriend said or implied that she wanted some form of relationship with me as well as Holden; that she wanted more than friendship with me, whatever shape we decided that would take.  I was very confused about my feelings and admittedly made it difficult for anything to be done about that, but the feeling of being wanted and desired was there. Looking back, I realize now that the times I thought I was feeling compersion were actually times when I felt wanted and desired by both Holden and his girlfriend. The situation had to involve her showing something for me in order for me to feel secure. Even if it was just that she wanted me there as a friend and wanted me involved in whatever they were doing socially, that made a difference. Though, those weren’t quite as powerful as the times when she showed me how much she desired me sexually.  Holden, meanwhile, has always made me feel desired and wanted, and he was very keen on the idea of having me fully involved in the relationship with his girlfriend, to whatever level we wanted to take that.  He frequently said that even when he and his girlfriend were sharing something special, he had a feeling of wanting me there too. He didn’t want to be with her to the exclusion of me. He wanted us both there and involved at the same time. That’s impossible now, because she decided she doesn’t want to pursue anything beyond a basic platonic friendship with me, which makes it very hard to think of being around the two of them. Holden would be able to be affectionate and flirtatious with her, or with me, but not both, and she and I would have to keep things on a strictly platonic non-sexual level. Talk about awkward. I want no part of a situation in which I have to be around people being playfully sexual and flirtatious but not be allowed to participate in that.

Anyway, now that the door is closed on that possibility, I’ve been very discouraged about how difficult it is for me to feel happy for Holden. The sense that he is desired and happy and has positive experiences with her should make me happy, but instead I end up feeling left out, left behind, and inadequate, all of which stir up the self doubt that grips me.

There are many complex issues involved here, but the simplified version is that before, I thought this extra relationship was something for me as well as for Holden.  Now that it’s just for Holden I can’t seem to bring myself to be happy with it, or sometimes even tolerate it.

Right now I’m at a loss for how to become happy about it.  I’m feeling so far away from compersion that it doesn’t even feel possible right now.  I keep looking at the situation and trying to see how I can rationalize it to myself that I should be happy for Holden and that this whole setup has benefits for everyone, not just those directly involved.

The ideal I’m trying to reach is this: to feel genuine compersion for Holden, to feel selfless joy at seeing him happy, without requiring the situation to directly benefit me.

That’s feeling somewhat unattainable at the moment, so the mid-range goal I have in the meantime is just to feel okay with Holden’s relationship and not feel slighted or robbed of time and intimacy with him. I want to get my insecurities under control so I don’t feel threatened and panicky every time they spend time together.

There’s a lot that goes into the background of all of that. But realizing that I was wrong when I thought I was doing so well at accepting everything has shown me just how much further I have to go in my personal development to be able to have a successful and satisfying relationship with my husband.

It’s going to be a long hard slog. I’ll do my best to write about it all here.

-Grace

My first published article!

*UPDATE* The website where this was originally published has been taken down, so please follow this link to read the article. Thanks!

http://monopolyblog.wordpress.com/2009/12/01/republished-article-from-2008/

I just had an article published in The Truth Quarterly, an indy publication put together by a really fun group of guys.  Sadly, it’s the last issue coming out, but I do plan on contributing some more articles to their next project.

Anyway, here’s a link to the publication:  http://www.yostrick9.com/2008/the-final-issue-of-the-truth-quarterly/

I haven’t written much here on the blog lately, but there’s lots to come. Check back soon!

-Grace

Speak of the devil?

Ever since Holden and I have been talking about how and when to bring up poly with our friends, there have been little instances of poly-related chat coming up left and right! It’s like once we opened ourselves up to the possibility of talking about it, the universe decided to throw some opportunities our way.

To recap an earlier post, Holden and I decided that we’d feel okay about letting most of our friends know that we’re poly if the topic seems relevant to the conversation. There are a couple of friends we don’t know as well yet, but for the most part, as long as it feels comfortable, we’re not putting any restrictions on each other as far as whether or not to discuss poly as a general topic we’re interested in and as something we identify with.

Just a day or so after we talked about that, we went to lunch with a couple of people Holden had hung out with a few times and I had met once or twice. We spent the whole lunch hour talking about various mundane things, and for some reason Holden had to get back to work before the rest of us did. I stayed with our two friends and somehow the conversation drifted really naturally to polyamory. Because I didn’t know these people as well as Holden did I didn’t feel comfortable acknowledging that we are poly, but I did feel comfortable joining in the conversation and expressing my opinions openly. That may not seem like such a big deal to some people, but to me, it’s a whole new experience to tell the real truth about my opinions and not just stick with what won’t get me in trouble. That’s been Holden’s experience for years, so I guess he sort of takes it for granted anymore, but since I’m moderately new in developing my opinions about these relationship topics, it felt like a huge change in how I communicate with friends. We talked about how a certain college one of them attended had some polyamorous people who would get triple or quad style dorm rooms so they could all live together. It’s a pretty progressive liberal arts college, I guess.

(This topic made me interested in exploring the polyamorous community on college campuses and I’m curious about how other colleges handle the question of polyamory when it comes to student housing.)

When I brought up how I think that monogamy is great as long as it’s a conscious choice and not just what you default to because there’s not supposed to be anything else, they both agreed with me, and I was surprised at how much they both had thought about the idea before we’d spoken. They both identified to me that they’re not polyamorous, but that they can understand why some people would want to be. It was such a nice refreshing conversation to have. What an unexpected surprise! I felt pretty good about it, and after having talked to Holden about it, I now know that had he been there, he would have felt comfortable enough with them to let them know that we are actually polyamorous. Like I said before, I don’t know them as well as he does, so I held off this time, but if it comes up again, I’ll be happy to talk about it.

I’ve got to get going for now, but stay tuned for more posts about this. The world seems to be blossoming before me with new opportunities! I love spring!

-Grace

“Chapter 1 and a Half,” Part 4: Short but sweet… like me!

Do you guys think that you are making the choice to be a poly couple because it is what you think will work for “you guys,” or are you confident that if you were longer together you would still search for a poly lifestyle?

I think Holden for sure would be poly regardless of whether we were together. I don’t know. I don’t think I would actively seek multiple partners, but rather if multiple people came my way that I wanted a deep relationship with, I wouldn’t rule it out. It’s like that with anything though. I don’t think we go through life “seeking” a relationship, we just learn how to be open to one.

Short answer today. But tomorrow there will be more. Check back for “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 5

“Chapter 1 and a Half,” Part 3: Complications vs. contentment

Do you think that the people who meet and marry one person and spend their lives together are really content?

I think some people have the capacity for that. However, I think they’re much more rare than people who would be more content having multiple partners at some time in their lives.  As I talked about in part 2, there are complications to any relationship, and if a monogamous couple decides that they want to remain monogamous while dealing with all of these complications, that can leave them both feeling happy and fulfilled if it’s what they both truly want.  Now, I don’t think that’s as common or as easy as we’ve been led to believe.  It’s certainly not the norm. 

By “complications” I mean anything that challenges the monogamous feelings of either person in the relationship.  Developing feelings for someone other than one’s partner, lusting after a movie star, finding emotional fulfillment in an Internet relationship that isn’t being found in the real life monogamous relationship are all examples of possible complications.  People in our mainstream society are more likely to deny the complications, sweep them under the rug, or act on their impulses and desires in secret, none of which are healthy.  Open communication is the first requirement in dealing with any complication.  I could go on for pages about what constitutes open communication and strategies to start doing it, but that would be a pretty far digression. 

In short, I think that if a monogamous couple face challenges together openly and honestly and still find they are happiest being monogamous, then they can be content in that.  What most people see as contentment, however, is more often actually resignation. 

Don’t forget to check out the next installment of “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 4!

-Grace

“Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 2: advanced students only, prerequisites required

Do you think that ultimately everyone would be happier if they could take on the polyamorous way of life?

I don’t think polyamory is for everyone. I think there are people out there who are just going to be happier in a monogamous relationship. The problem I see is that monogamy is usually the only choice presented. I think monogamy is fine as long as you’re actively choosing to be monogamous, having considered that there are other possibilities out there. Most people don’t ever consider anything but monogamy and I don’t think that’s healthy. I think a lot more people would choose to be polyamorous if they knew it existed and weren’t told by the powers that be that it’s a bad lifestyle choice.

Polyamory is complicated.  It’s a constant challenge.  I think of it this way: monogamy is Relationship 101-201, sort of the basic course, that is still pretty challenging, but ultimately only pushes you so far.  Polyamory is more like a 300-400 level class that adds such advanced concepts into the lesson as fluid swapping, compersion (a.k.a. frubble), and primary/secondary partners.  You have to learn a whole new vocabulary and a whole new set of strategies. Plus, the level of self examination that is required for someone to even have the remotest chance of making polyamory work can be daunting.  Because of the level of effort involved in just having a moderately successful polyamorous relationship, it’s not necessarily the best option for the lowest common denominator of our population. 

That said, I do think that people who currently have monogamous relationships can benefit greatly from having the honest discussions that can come up with considering the possiblity of poly.  Even if they decide that monogamy is best for them, the fact that they’ve talked these things over can greatly strengthen their monogamous relationship. 

Additionally, anyone who is currently in a monogamous relationship and is considering making it poly had better make sure their monogamous relationship is already good and strong because poly is going to challenge it in surprising ways.  I really believe that if you’re starting out from a monogamous place, you have to sort of “master” monogamy before you can add any additional partners.  Additional partners only multiply complications, they never reduce them.  If you already have a strong base in a committed relationship, you’ll be prepared to handle those additional complications.  If not, then the complications will not only burn your new relationship, but also damage your existing one. 

Whatever your relationship status, it must be a mutually agreed upon arrangement for it to be fulfilling to everyone involved. 

Stay tuned for the next installment, “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 3!

-Grace

Scared off

A couple of months ago I met a woman, Cindy, and we hit it off pretty well as friends. We had a lot in common and enjoyed doing a lot of the same things, so I invited her to a weekly gathering Holden and I attend. She said she was looking for some new friends in the area and this was a great opportunity for me to introduce her around to some of my other friends. She started coming to our weekly get togethers and seemed to hit it off with several other members of the group. I felt pretty good about bringing a new friend into my life.

As Holden and I spent more time talking with Cindy, she expressed to us how liberal and open minded she was about all kinds of things.  At one point, Holden decided it would be ok to talk to her about the general idea that he and I are considering practicing polyamory, and specifically polyfidelity.  He wasn’t interested in her, specifically, but she seemed like the kind of person he could discuss the concept with.  I wasn’t present when the conversation started, but by the time I arrived, Cindy was already asking questions and listening in an engaged way to what Holden was explaining.  It was all very general and sort of “just scraping the surface” but it was kind of refreshing to be talking with someone in person fairly openly about how we feel about faithfulness, commitment, and relationships.  At some point she had to leave, but the conversation ended on a good note and Holden thought of a few things she had asked about that he wanted to give her more clarification on later.  He sent her an email later explaining some more details about some questions she had, and also a clarification that this is a rather sensitive subject and that we’d appreciate it if she’d sort of keep it between us, since we’re not comfortable about everyone knowing just yet.  Her response was terse and dismissive.  Something along the lines of, “How dare you tell me all this stuff and then tell me I have to keep secrets for you.  I’m not interested anyway.”  Holden replied that he was sorry he’d made her uncomfortable and that in the future we could refrain from talking about that subject if it would help.  He further clarified that it wasn’t that we were asking her to keep a secret, just to show some discretion in how he handled the topic, should it come up.  He apologized again, and said he hoped we could all have drinks together at the next get together.  She then promptly blocked our email and Facebook contacts and has since stopped coming to anything we go to. 

Now, I was actually a little bothered that Holden took it upon himself to talk to Cindy about poly in the first place.  I wasn’t comfortable with her at that level yet and I didn’t feel like we knew her well enough to have that discussion.  Holden has since agreed with me that it was a mistake to bring it up to her, especially without talking to me about the idea first.  But regardless of whether or not Holden was right in talking about it with her, Cindy’s reaction is really puzzling to both of us. 

For one thing, she seemed genuinely interested in learning more about the topic.  She asked some really intuitive questions and seemed at the time to be receiving our answers positively, or at the very least neutrally.  Maybe Holden’s request for discretion was misinterpreted, or maybe he worded it wrong, but I’m having a hard time seeing why it prompted such a strong response from her.  I guess it’s a sensitive request for her. 

 And lastly, I didn’t see Holden give Cindy any indication that he was talking to her about poly because he wanted to have a relationship with HER.  When she said, “I’m not interested” I wanted to tell her, “don’t flatter yourself! He’s not interested in you either!” 

It’s not really all that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.  Cindy hasn’t been in contact with any of our other friends either.  I do feel kind of bad that this encounter has seemed to soured her on our whole group of friends (who meet around a topic completely unrelated to sexuality or poly.)  Ultimately, Holden and I haven’t taken it too hard.  I mean, we tried to reach out to her when she got uncomfortable, but she clearly didn’t want that, so I guess that was her choice. 

I knew there would be some people in life that would simply reject us outright for our feelings about relationships, but I didn’t expect it to be someone who touts herself as an open minded liberal person with a strong drive to question authority and the status quo, as Cindy claimed and seemed to be. 

On the bright side, Holden and I (especially Holden) have learned a valuable lesson about when it’s ok to bring up poly and how to go about preparing for the discussion. 

“A Very Nice Weekend” from Grace’s Perspective

It was, in fact, a VERY nice weekend! I am feeling a renewed sense of strength in my relationship with Holden, in Holden’s commitment to do this right, and in my own ability to navigate my emotions. I guess I’ll dive right in to the post.

First of all, remember how I talked earlier about the sort of two levels of friendship in my life? Well, Josie is one of those who’s in the closer set, the ones I trust most and would most likely feel most comfortable inviting into our relationship. The two of them had always had a flirtatious relationship and unlike with other girls, it never bothered me as much with Josie because of what good friends she and I were. She showed me through her actions and in her willingness to be open in discussions that she was genuinely a good friend and also that she wasn’t interested in coming between me and Holden, but rather wanted both of us as parts of her life. If she was sexually attracted to Holden, she never turned that into jealousy of me or acted like I was some kind of threat. Because of her already positive temperament, it didn’t bother me as much that Holden was attracted to her and enjoyed flirting with her.

Before Josie arrived, I talked with Holden about what he hoped for in his relationship with her. He told me that as much as he likes her and as fun and rewarding as it could be to start something more romantic from their friendship, it’s probably not possible due to the current circumstances and he was perfectly fine with that. He didn’t want to pursue anything he knew she wouldn’t be able to commit to. On the other hand, he was looking forward to being able to flirt with her openly.

As good as I felt about Josie and as hopeful I was that this time the communication between me and Holden beforehand would result in a better experience with this visit, I was still a little anxious about things. Even though I knew Holden wasn’t planning to pursue anything more than a flirtatious friendship, I also knew that he could be impulsive and I worried that he might get carried away once they were “in the moment” so to speak. It sounds silly looking back on it now, but I really feared the idea that things would heat up between them while I wasn’t around and I’d be the last to know. Putting my faith in open communication again, I talked with Holden about this. Specifically, I wanted to be with him when he went to pick her up. Some little part of my insecurity drilled away in my brain about things like, “It’s been a long time since they’ve seen each other. They’ll be so happy to see each other that they’ll hug a little longer than usual and maybe that moment will spark some deeper emotion in them and he’ll have her in his arms anyway so he might just lean down and kiss her impulsively! Then there’s the long drive back to our house during which they’d have time to talk about their longing for each other and they’d even have time to square up their story to me to keep me from knowing that they’d gone too far!”

Did I mention that my insecure inner voice is straight out of a Victorian novel? For some reason my insecurity always wants to use words like “betrayal” and “forsaken” and “impropriety.” Completely annoying.

As it worked out I was able to be there to pick her up and we had a really nice happy car ride back home. Then we had a really nice happy dinner together. Then I realized that this trip was unlikely to become anything but really nice and happy! Josie was here to see ME after all too, so it wasn’t like the two of them would want to be sneaking off alone anywhere to “pick up where they’d left off.” There wasn’t anything left off to pick up! If anything was going to happen, I was going to be involved from the start, and that felt great.

There was even a moment that might have been my first glimpse of what compersion might feel like. I’m still not sure I’d call what I felt compersion exactly, but it was more a certain level of comfort and trust that surprised me at the time and sort of left me in a daze afterward, but a nice daze.

Holden and Josie and I had come back from some excursion somewhere, probably out to eat, and we had lit the fireplace. The three of us are all ticklish and of course, as always happens at one point or another with us, someone started a tickle fight. In the past, my feelings had been hurt when Holden would have tickle fights with other girls, but not include me. Later I found out that it wasn’t him that was excluding me, but the other girl. This time, though, Josie and I teamed up against Holden and he didn’t have a chance!

When none of us could breathe, we all collapsed onto the couch, Holden in the middle, and Josie and I on either side of him. I didn’t even notice it at first, but both Josie and I had our heads on Holden’s shoulders and he had a hand on each of our shoulders. When I noticed, I glanced up to Holden’s face and he smiled at me, kissed me on the forehead, and squeezed my shoulder. I turned my eyes down toward Josie, who was dreamily watching the fireplace. I was most surprised by the absense of certain emotions, not necessarily the presence of anything new. I always knew that Josie and Holden had affectionate feelings for each other, both as really good friends, and also with some attraction between them. But when I expected to feel jealous and threatened and panicky, I looked to those parts of my psyche, and they were empty! Just… nothing there. The lack of fear was actually really disorienting! I wasn’t quite sure what to do with the void at first. I looked around, took it all in, and started creating new thoughts and feelings to go there. I didn’t worry too much at the time about thinking it through and defining things. I didn’t really have words to describe what I was feeling (and still don’t) but it was more or less just a feeling of “This is ok. This is not scary like I thought it would be. There she is and here I am. I feel love from Holden and I feel friendly affection and sisterhood from Josie. I feel respect from Josie. I don’t feel competition. I feel joy in a shared moment.” The rush of new feelings really knocked me off balance in a way I never expected. It was like the rush of a roller coaster leaving you breathless and wobbly legged as you step out of the seat.

I will admit there was one moment of paranoia that crept in sometime during the weekend. It turned out to be absolutely silly and that’s how I dispelled it for myself, but I’ll describe it for you anyway. At the very least you’ll probably get a laugh out of it.

I went into the bathroom to take a shower and I could hear Holden and Josie laughing and talking through the door. I took a 20 minute shower and when I was done, I couldn’t hear them through the door anymore. I wondered, “What could they be doing that’s so quiet?” Immediately, that stupid jealous voice that knots my stomach up chimed in with, “What if they’re kissing?! What if they’re spread out on the bed touching each other?!” I was embarrassed for myself over even HAVING these thoughts, much less acting on them, but there I was, my ear to the inside of the bathroom door, certain I was going to hear little moans of pleasure or the soft smack of a surreptitious kiss. Then I mentally whacked myself for going all “Victorian” again, took a deep breath while donning my bathrobe, and stepped out into the hallway to see Josie in the bedroom by herself, reading a newspaper online. Holden wasn’t even in the room! In fact, he was in the kitchen making lunch or something for all of us! Another mental whack upside the head, and I was back to feeling fine.

So the whole visit was really warm and fuzzy. Holden and I went to bed each night super happy to be alone with each other and just revel in the closeness we felt with each other at how well everything was going. We were both really sad to see Josie go back home.

A few days later Holden brought up an idea to me. He asked how I would feel about having a poly relationship that didn’t include sex. He described it as having greater affection between partners, showing love with cuddles and kisses and perhaps touching and fondling and pleasure, but not going as far as actually going to bed together. Of course, that was what I had in mind as perhaps the second stage of a poly relationship as I’d see it anyway, so I told him that would probably be cool, as long as all our other requirements come with it: open communication, concern for all people’s feelings, a commitment to go only as far as everyone’s comfortable with, etc. He didn’t say specifically whether he meant that to be about Josie, but from what we both know about her and about other particular restrictions that would have to be considered, it was more or less understood that it probably applied to her. We didn’t have time to go into it further at that time, but I can honestly say that at this moment, I would be ready to have that discussion with Josie.

I’m not sure where all this is going to go, but I’m ready for the discussion if it comes up, and that feels like a huge tiny step.

Guest Blogger: Holden – “Rules of Attraction”

Holden speaks… again:

So first off I want to apologize for not having contributed much here thus far. I hope to remedy that in the coming weeks and months.

Also, apologies for the long silence here. Grace and I have been rather busy lately with several other aspects of life and have not had the time more recently to discuss as much as we’d like nor the time to post about what we have discussed.

So tonight, a positive update. Better understanding each other:

A few weeks back we were discussing attraction. I wanted to know what Grace might be looking for in potential partners, what she would be looking for in partners for me, and Grace wanted to know what specifically I found attractive about people I had expressed interest in. I started to relate how I was attracted to the drive of one, and the similarities in my childhood and how we both feel about society with another, and various other character traits that I found attractive in them. Grace asked again what I found attractive about them, and I looked at her questioningly. I responded saying that the things I had already mentioned attracted me to them. Grace asked more directly then: “But what do you find physically or sexually attractive about them?”

Understanding better now, though still somewhat confused I mentioned a few of the physical aspects that I liked about them but concluded with: “…though, I find most people sexually attractive in one way or another. Granted some more than others, but for me nearly everyone is physically desirable in some way. So it really does come down to the other aspects on if I find myself attracted to them.”

Now it was Grace’s turn to look bewildered.

Through our discussion we found ourselves to be nearly complete opposites in the way of sexual attraction and through that how we could find ourselves in potential relationships. I would say that I personally find about 80% or more of the people I meet sexually attractive, while grace only finds herself attracted to 20% or less of those we meet.

For Grace, sexual attraction is immediate. Meaning that if she doesn’t find herself physically attracted to someone at the moment she meets them, it’s never going to happen. It doesn’t matter how cool the person is, or how close of a friendship she might develop with that person, it will never be able to be any more than that for her. With me the opposite is the case. I can swing in and out of interest with someone based on how I relate to that person. Additionally as I find myself physically attracted to the vast majority of people, you had better have some other trait that causes you to stand out, for me to feel any genuine interest. Physical beauty has very little to do with it for me because of that.

And this had been an unknown hangup of ours for some time. Grace later told me that she always thought I was keeping the details of what I found physically attractive in others from her in order to spare her feelings, but she genuinely wanted to know. And she felt like I was keeping something from her by not telling her (and feeling like your partner is keeping something from you is a guarantee that things won’t be progressing happily). Where as in truth, I wasn’t mentioning those aspects because to my mind they were nearly entirely unimportant. I honestly didn’t realize that she was asking me for those specific details when she would ask me what I found attractive in someone.

With our new understanding we’ve been discussing more and giving each other more details than we have in the past. Specifically I’ve begun to mention what I find physically attractive in others to Grace as it helps her to understand where I am. Alternatively as there is such a lower percentage of possible partners out there for Grace, I have asked her to tell me whenever we pass or see someone that she finds sexually attractive so I have the best idea of that she desires in a potential partner.

Coming soon: recent trips, past errors, and new interests (for Grace this time).