Feeling badly represented in literature

A couple weeks ago I picked up The Literary Companion to Sex. I felt it would be a fun cross between my erotica browsing efforts and my college degree.  I finally flipped it open the other day. The book is arranged as short snippets of sections from important works of literature that deal with sex. It starts in the ancient world with the Bible and important Greek and Roman writers and progresses forward through history.

I started to get really depressed when I realized that most of the stories that weren’t sophomoric bawdy jokes were about someone finding intense pleasure from having sex with someone he/she was not supposed to be having sex with. Now, don’t get me wrong, I get that that’s a pretty potent fantasy and a real kicker in reality. But it was discouraging that THIS was the way “exciting” sex has been portrayed through literary history.

What bothered me about it was not the fact that the already espoused person was seeking sex outside his/her marriage, but that the stories made the cuckolded spouse out to be, well, a cuckold! He/she was either dull or sexually deficient, which caused the cheating spouse to seek more diverting company, or terribly oppressive, which drove the philanderer into more loving and accepting arms. That is, if he/she is even mentioned at all!

Thing is, if I were to try and relate any of these stories to my situation, I’m presumably in the role of the dull/oppressive/deficient spouse sitting at home while my dallying husband goes off to seek greener pastures.

What depressed me about it even more was that because this is the standard for literature through the ages, readers respond to this either pitiable or hated character and then apply the same response to monogamous partners of polyamorous spouses. If people aren’t pitying us for being the victims of an inconsiderate spouse, they’re blaming us and saying we must not have sweet enough honey to keep the bee at home.

Where’s the literature that shows a strong, honest couple whose relationship allows for exciting variety in the marriage?  Where’s the story about a person being empowered and defeating insecurity in the process of sharing his/her spouse with another? Where’s the story of the mono-partnered spouse getting turned on by his/her partner’s extra-marital adventures?

I refuse to be associated with the soggy Charles Bovary or the bitter soul-killing spouse in Written on the Body.

I am a passionate, vibrant, sensual person who is adored by my spouse, dammit! Oh I have room to grow and challenges to overcome, but our story is not one of escape and deceit and resignation. It is full of passion in all directions. It is built on a strong foundation, nearly 10 years’ worth of sexual energy between us that is still expanding to include more diverse interests. Holden did not go seeking a mistress because his passion for me had fizzled out. He did it in part to flare up the passion he already felt for me.

Right now I feel kind of alone in this. I feel like my story is lonely among the conventional love stories of our culture. One of my greatest fears is that while I didn’t start out like those characters I pity and despise and yet sympathize with, that I will become one of them, that I’m on my way there already and just don’t know it yet.

I guess that’s all the more reason to make sure I stay strong and vibrant and passionate. Being able to see what I don’t want for myself is an excellent motivator toward becoming what I do want.

And in the meantime, if you know of any stories, movies, or plays that present a spouse who shares his/her partner with other lovers and maintains the strength and love of the original relationship, please PLEASE share it with me here, either in a comment below or via email at monopolyblog@gmail.com.

-Grace

Taking a step out into the light.

Holden and I have taken the process of coming out as poly to our friends very slowly and carefully. It took me a long time to dispel my fear of being out. A lot of that fear had to do with my own personal confidence in the poly lifestyle and how ready I felt to discuss it in a positive way. When things were hard for me with poly, even though I was fully dedicated to sticking with it and working with Holden through all of the problems, I didn’t really want to discuss it with new people. I didn’t want my tone of voice or reticence about certain topics to make it seem like I was being dragged along or victimized in all this. That’s on top of the very real fear of word getting back to my tight-knit traditional Catholic family whom I love very deeply and need to hide this from in order to keep that connection. (It’s something Holden and I have discussed at length and that we agree is a sad but necessary sacrifice.)

But I’ve got my confidence back and I’ve spent the time between then and now thinking deeply about the relationships I have with these friends and how close and trusting we are of each other. There is definitely a list of “approved” and “not approved” people between Holden and myself that we review with each other every so often.

We are not the only ones involved in this decision, though. While Holden’s girlfriend’s husband is not ready to be out and understandably wants control of that aspect of his life, we have an arrangement that lets me and Holden be honest with our friends, but maintains that boundary. Holden and I may out ourselves and speak honestly about Holden being involved with someone, but the specifics about who he’s involved with have to stay hidden. That way we can out ourselves and not out the other couple without their permission.

Such was the case at a social gathering this weekend. The conversation turned to relationship issues and as I looked around I noticed that the people we were with who didn’t already know about us were on the approved list Holden and I had discussed.  We just hadn’t gotten around to bringing it up with them yet.  Just for clarity’s sake, Holden and I have a sort of “need to know” attitude about this with our friends. If it comes up and is relevant to whatever is going on, then that’s a time to mention that we’re poly. If circumstances called for it, a “sit down, lets talk about something” kind of discussion could happen but that didn’t seem terribly likely.

Anyway, as the discussion progressed, I felt really comfortable at that moment allowing ourselves to be included in the conversation as people with open marriage experience. This comfort was made easier by the fact that two other people there had already either identified themselves openly as polyamorous or as having friends who are. That combined with the comfort level I felt with the rest of the people involved made it pretty easy to get an okay from Holden and give him my okay that we could be fully honest with this group.

It felt great to talk openly about our philosophy and what open marriage is like. Our friends had a couple of questions, as we expected, but the whole experience was super comfortable and while I still felt a little nervous, it felt very liberating as well.  Most importantly, I felt really loved and accepted by my friends. That was the best feeling of all.

According to the agreed-upon process, Holden notified the other couple the next morning of who we’d come out to and under what circumstances. And overall I feel good about it. I’m still having to take a few deep breaths to calm myself, but that’s to be expected with any big step out of a comfort zone.

And now I’m off to bask in the memory of that love and acceptance.

-Grace

I’ve found my feet on solid ground.

I’ve been getting so much great encouragement from you wonderful readers. If I haven’t responded to your comment personally, please know that I have read it and it has given me great comfort.

These past weeks have been a sort of reset period for me. Things have gotten to a point of stability and relative comfort and that’s given me a chance to step back from everything and reassess what I’m feeling, what I want, and how I want all of this to work for me as well as for Holden.

Some things I’ve reaffirmed for myself:

1. My commitment to sharing a polyamorous lifestyle with Holden.
2. Life is fluid and I can flow with it without being drowned by it.

Next, some areas I’ve grown and can continue to grow:

1. My ability to define what’s right and feels good for me and stand up for my right to have/seek those things.
2. A better understanding of my chronic depression (and the ability to even say “chronic depression” out loud to someone other than Holden)

In general terms, here is the current status of where everything stands, as I see it:

Holden and I are strong in our bond and our commitment to each other. Our connection has been severely tested recently.   But even at the worst, most desperate times in all this we’ve maintained a deep rooted desire for each other, be it in the role of lover, comforter, caretaker, listener, cheerleader, or distraction. No matter what was going on or how angry we were at each other, that core element never wavered.

I have come to a stable position of being happy in my monogamous commitment to Holden. While I genuinely wanted to be poly and have relationships with other people (two in particular) beyond my marriage, I have to admit that there was a part of me that was doing it for Holden’s sake. Now that I’ve stepped back and examined everything more carefully I can see that any desire to enter into a polyamorous relationship needs to come entirely from me. Feeling like I should do something because someone else wants it for me, or doing it because I want to prove something to someone are now major red flags for me.  For right now I am happy being monogamous with Holden. That doesn’t mean I won’t want a polyamorous relationship someday, but I’ve got so much to work on to make myself strong that it’ll be a while before I feel ready for another relationship. And that’s okay. I don’t have to feel guilty because I’ve chosen NOT to be poly. I haven’t let Holden down by not trying hard enough or not being brave enough. This is my choice and it feels good and right and solid. And that’s enough.

As for Holden’s relationship with his girlfriend, I am accepting of it. Because of the tension and emotional baggage now attached to her, however, my acceptance only extends to a certain point. It is a passive acceptance, not an embrace. I have gotten to a point that it doesn’t make me hurt, angry, or upset that Holden is dating her, is in love with her, and wants to spend time with her. It does sometimes make me sad when he spends an evening with her.  But that’s not a severe or unexpected reaction and I’m actually kind of proud that I’ve learned to handle it so well.  There is a line, however, that I’m not yet ready to blur. Right now, Holden’s romantic relationship with his girlfriend is completely separate from me and my life. I prefer it that way for a lot of reasons. However, that need of mine does create some inconveniences for the logistics of their relationship and some emotional strife for Holden. I’m taking steps to get more comfortable in areas surrounding that so hopefully with a little more time and patience, I can be more flexible.

So yeah, in general things on my end of the situation seem to be leveling out. I still have a lot of work to do, but at least I feel like I’m standing on firmer ground to do it.

As always thanks for all the support and input. I love hearing from you whether it’s through a comment on this blog or an email at monopolyblog@gmail.com.

-Grace

How to heal?

Sorry I’ve been away so long!  To tell the honest truth I’ve been going through some hard times that have been too hard to blog about directly.  I am still trying to heal.  Right now I’m kind of failing at healing.

I don’t have what it takes to write everything that’s happened out right now so I’ll cut to the chase.

I’m looking for responses from my readers (if I have any left) about how you heal.  What have you done in the past that has helped you heal?  Let’s start a discussion here about strategies, advice, tips, and tricks that help you get over it and move on after you’ve been hurt really badly.

Eventually I’ll work myself up to filling you in about what happened. Here’s the micro version:  Holden and I are still together and still surprisingly strong.  His relationship of about a year is also still intact. The woman he’s dating thought she wanted to start something with me too.  She changed her mind. I got hurt. I’m trying to heal.

There’s so much more to it than that, but in the meantime, I’m looking forward to some more interaction here.  It’s been too long.

Peace,

Grace

Mayflies and compliments

I wrote this post back in May of last year and somehow forgot to post it!  How strange.  Anyway, now that it’s May again and this seems relevant, I’ll post it.

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The mayflies are back. If you don’t know what mayflies are, they’re these bugs that look kind of like big mosquitos, but they don’t bite. The live something like three days total. They all hatch at once, boogie around for a couple of days mating and laying eggs, and if they don’t get eaten by a bird or a fish, they die anyway by the third or fourth day. Mayflies always remind me that life is short and we have to really live while we’re living. It also makes me think about ways I could be a better person and make others’ lives happier while they’re here too.

People tend to take those closest to them for granted the most. It’s true of our parents when we’re kids and it’s true of our spouses after we’ve been married a couple of years. I realize how much I take Holden for granted. I also take it for granted that he doesn’t need to be complimented to feel good about himself. See, Holden has always appeared very confident, with very healthy self esteem; sometimes overly healthy in fact. So I often forget that he has insecurities too, that he gets down about his appearance just like anyone else, and that he doesn’t always feel appreciated just because I smile at him. Deep down he knows I find him extremely attractive, but he does need to hear it sometimes. Unfortunately, I am terrible at remembering to speak my compliments out loud. I think nice things about him all the time, but stupidly, I keep them to myself.

So, in the spirit of the mayflies who have a lot of living to do in a very short time, I will try to remember that compliments and praise have a short shelf life, and must be renewed every day.

“Chapter 1 and a Half,” Part 3: Complications vs. contentment

Do you think that the people who meet and marry one person and spend their lives together are really content?

I think some people have the capacity for that. However, I think they’re much more rare than people who would be more content having multiple partners at some time in their lives.  As I talked about in part 2, there are complications to any relationship, and if a monogamous couple decides that they want to remain monogamous while dealing with all of these complications, that can leave them both feeling happy and fulfilled if it’s what they both truly want.  Now, I don’t think that’s as common or as easy as we’ve been led to believe.  It’s certainly not the norm. 

By “complications” I mean anything that challenges the monogamous feelings of either person in the relationship.  Developing feelings for someone other than one’s partner, lusting after a movie star, finding emotional fulfillment in an Internet relationship that isn’t being found in the real life monogamous relationship are all examples of possible complications.  People in our mainstream society are more likely to deny the complications, sweep them under the rug, or act on their impulses and desires in secret, none of which are healthy.  Open communication is the first requirement in dealing with any complication.  I could go on for pages about what constitutes open communication and strategies to start doing it, but that would be a pretty far digression. 

In short, I think that if a monogamous couple face challenges together openly and honestly and still find they are happiest being monogamous, then they can be content in that.  What most people see as contentment, however, is more often actually resignation. 

Don’t forget to check out the next installment of “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 4!

-Grace

“Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 2: advanced students only, prerequisites required

Do you think that ultimately everyone would be happier if they could take on the polyamorous way of life?

I don’t think polyamory is for everyone. I think there are people out there who are just going to be happier in a monogamous relationship. The problem I see is that monogamy is usually the only choice presented. I think monogamy is fine as long as you’re actively choosing to be monogamous, having considered that there are other possibilities out there. Most people don’t ever consider anything but monogamy and I don’t think that’s healthy. I think a lot more people would choose to be polyamorous if they knew it existed and weren’t told by the powers that be that it’s a bad lifestyle choice.

Polyamory is complicated.  It’s a constant challenge.  I think of it this way: monogamy is Relationship 101-201, sort of the basic course, that is still pretty challenging, but ultimately only pushes you so far.  Polyamory is more like a 300-400 level class that adds such advanced concepts into the lesson as fluid swapping, compersion (a.k.a. frubble), and primary/secondary partners.  You have to learn a whole new vocabulary and a whole new set of strategies. Plus, the level of self examination that is required for someone to even have the remotest chance of making polyamory work can be daunting.  Because of the level of effort involved in just having a moderately successful polyamorous relationship, it’s not necessarily the best option for the lowest common denominator of our population. 

That said, I do think that people who currently have monogamous relationships can benefit greatly from having the honest discussions that can come up with considering the possiblity of poly.  Even if they decide that monogamy is best for them, the fact that they’ve talked these things over can greatly strengthen their monogamous relationship. 

Additionally, anyone who is currently in a monogamous relationship and is considering making it poly had better make sure their monogamous relationship is already good and strong because poly is going to challenge it in surprising ways.  I really believe that if you’re starting out from a monogamous place, you have to sort of “master” monogamy before you can add any additional partners.  Additional partners only multiply complications, they never reduce them.  If you already have a strong base in a committed relationship, you’ll be prepared to handle those additional complications.  If not, then the complications will not only burn your new relationship, but also damage your existing one. 

Whatever your relationship status, it must be a mutually agreed upon arrangement for it to be fulfilling to everyone involved. 

Stay tuned for the next installment, “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 3!

-Grace

Guest Blogger: Holden – “Rules of Attraction”

Holden speaks… again:

So first off I want to apologize for not having contributed much here thus far. I hope to remedy that in the coming weeks and months.

Also, apologies for the long silence here. Grace and I have been rather busy lately with several other aspects of life and have not had the time more recently to discuss as much as we’d like nor the time to post about what we have discussed.

So tonight, a positive update. Better understanding each other:

A few weeks back we were discussing attraction. I wanted to know what Grace might be looking for in potential partners, what she would be looking for in partners for me, and Grace wanted to know what specifically I found attractive about people I had expressed interest in. I started to relate how I was attracted to the drive of one, and the similarities in my childhood and how we both feel about society with another, and various other character traits that I found attractive in them. Grace asked again what I found attractive about them, and I looked at her questioningly. I responded saying that the things I had already mentioned attracted me to them. Grace asked more directly then: “But what do you find physically or sexually attractive about them?”

Understanding better now, though still somewhat confused I mentioned a few of the physical aspects that I liked about them but concluded with: “…though, I find most people sexually attractive in one way or another. Granted some more than others, but for me nearly everyone is physically desirable in some way. So it really does come down to the other aspects on if I find myself attracted to them.”

Now it was Grace’s turn to look bewildered.

Through our discussion we found ourselves to be nearly complete opposites in the way of sexual attraction and through that how we could find ourselves in potential relationships. I would say that I personally find about 80% or more of the people I meet sexually attractive, while grace only finds herself attracted to 20% or less of those we meet.

For Grace, sexual attraction is immediate. Meaning that if she doesn’t find herself physically attracted to someone at the moment she meets them, it’s never going to happen. It doesn’t matter how cool the person is, or how close of a friendship she might develop with that person, it will never be able to be any more than that for her. With me the opposite is the case. I can swing in and out of interest with someone based on how I relate to that person. Additionally as I find myself physically attracted to the vast majority of people, you had better have some other trait that causes you to stand out, for me to feel any genuine interest. Physical beauty has very little to do with it for me because of that.

And this had been an unknown hangup of ours for some time. Grace later told me that she always thought I was keeping the details of what I found physically attractive in others from her in order to spare her feelings, but she genuinely wanted to know. And she felt like I was keeping something from her by not telling her (and feeling like your partner is keeping something from you is a guarantee that things won’t be progressing happily). Where as in truth, I wasn’t mentioning those aspects because to my mind they were nearly entirely unimportant. I honestly didn’t realize that she was asking me for those specific details when she would ask me what I found attractive in someone.

With our new understanding we’ve been discussing more and giving each other more details than we have in the past. Specifically I’ve begun to mention what I find physically attractive in others to Grace as it helps her to understand where I am. Alternatively as there is such a lower percentage of possible partners out there for Grace, I have asked her to tell me whenever we pass or see someone that she finds sexually attractive so I have the best idea of that she desires in a potential partner.

Coming soon: recent trips, past errors, and new interests (for Grace this time).

The morning after… and lunch.

This morning after I finished writing about the awful night I’d had being all passive and depressed, I started doing laundry and cleaning up around the house. I was still thinking about what I could have done differently, how I could turn my passive behavior into aggressive behavior, step by step. I really wasn’t thinking about anything very sexual and I didn’t feel particularly randy or anything, but as I stood folding sheets in the bedroom, I could feel my crotch getting all wet and slippery. Mentally, I didn’t feel turned on at all, in fact, I was exhausted. But when I stuck my hand down my jeans, sure enough things were ready for action! What’s gotten into you, Grace? I thought as I shoved the half folded sheet aside and laid down on the bed. There’s something very nice and peaceful about mid-morning masturbation, with the bedroom window open, a nice spring breeze drifting in, and birds singing in the trees. I surprised myself at how revved up I seemed to be down there, despite not really having any reason to be. When I zipped up my jeans and glanced over at the clock, it was just after noon. Lunch time.

Holden works about 20 minutes away in the next town over. He sometimes comes home over his lunch break to have something hot to eat or to take care of some things around the house. Today he was going to have one thing to take care of around the house. I messaged him at work and asked if he’d eaten yet and whether he’d like to come home. I offered to make him a sandwich (irresistible bait!) and he told me he was running a little behind but would be home around 1:00. That gave me just enough time to fix both our sandwiches and stash them in the microwave (no room in the fridge and if I left them on the table they’d be pillaged by marauding cats), finish putting the sheets away, and select a condom to have ready on the bed.

When he pulled up in front of our house, he didn’t suspect a thing. I could tell he thought I looked cute today in my snug fit jeans and off the shoulders tee shirt. I said, “Oh good you’re here,” before pouncing to kiss him ravenously, removing his sunglasses and undoing his shirt buttons before he got two steps from the door. I led him into the bedroom by his shirt tail and finished undressing him and myself in seconds. His look of appreciative surprise made me smile as I pushed him onto his back on the bed and hovered over him, kissing little lines all over his chest and stomach that gave him shivers, and letting my breasts brush teasingly against his erection. I reached up next to his head and grabbed the condom. “Put this on.”

I watched him roll the condom on and without a word, but locking eye contact, I slid onto him. I was still plenty wet from before and I rode him to make myself cum four or five times before suggesting that we switch so he could really pound me like I knew he wanted to. As he entered me from behind the shock of the new sensation this angle gave me brought me to orgasm within a few moments and Holden wasn’t far behind with a shuddering, head splitting orgasm that threatened to rip him apart. Yeah, it was that good.

We curled up together in a panting heap. I wondered if Holden was making any connections between this and the way I’d acted last night. I glanced over at him. He hadn’t yet regained the power of speech, so I decided not to bring it up.

I got dressed and started setting lunch out on the kitchen table while Holden cleaned up and got dressed too. We ate our lunch sitting very close to each other on the bench that faces the table (rather than have two chairs, we have a single bench that faces the window.) Neither of us spoke, but it was the good kind of silence; calm, satisfied, simply enjoying being close to each other. As we both slowly regained our grasp on reality and neared the end of our sandwiches, I told him I’d written a blog post about how I was feeling last night. He asked if there was more to it than the fact that the mood was ruined, and I told him briefly about my frustration over being so passive and added, “But now I get to write a follow-up post to that. A happy one.”

I kissed him goodbye and he drove back to work. It’s times like this when I think back to that movie, Dead Poets Society. Remember that movie? With Robert Sean Leonard looking so hot in his high school uniform and so sexy playing Puck? My best friend and I saw that movie in high school and immediately adopted the motto “Carpe diem!” And we really lived by it. It helped me find the courage to do a lot of really great things I would have otherwise shied away from. I think over the years I’ve forgotten to keep that motto in mind and I’ve let that attitude slip away from me. Today, I remembered to seize the day, and I think I may remember to do that more often from now on.

-Grace

The personal vs. the political

I was riding in a car today with some friends and the song by Garbage, “Sex is Not the Enemy” came on. I’d heard the song before and liked its message, but it had been a while since I’d heard it, so in the context of everything I’ve been thinking and reading about lately, it was like hearing it for the first time all over again. It got me to thinking about how the larger issues that affect our lives tend to have many different layers. For example, the idea of non-monogamy has political implications, social implications, and personal implications, among others. The political and social aspects of it are more general, and can be dealt with somewhat semantically. The personal layer, though, is a lot harder to figure out. I’m finding the more I read about various forms of non-monogamy and their impact on social structure and political issues (such as feminism), the more I’m willing to accept non-monogamy as a viable option in a general way. I wasn’t able or willing to do that before. I’m beginning to understand the benefits it can have for families, communities, and society in general. But when it comes to applying those principles to my own life, and considering adopting new philosophies, I’m facing a greater challenge. It’s easy for me to accept other people’s way of life as “whatever works for you, go for it,” but when it comes to changing myself and the construct I live in, I suddenly become the world’s most skeptical devil’s advocate. A streak of pessimism comes out in me that seems unusual for how I normally behave. I’ve come to accept pessimism as a defense mechanism that forces me to think of the worst case scenario – ultimately, a healthy exercise to mentally prepare me for a challenge – but I tend to let my skepticism turn into panic, and that’s not so healthy. Sometimes it takes a real effort not to run around screaming, “The sky is falling!”

But in talking with my friends about this today, I began to understand how important it is to break things up in to bite size pieces. The question I posed at the beginning of this blog, “Can I change from being a monogamous person to being polyamorous?” has really turned out to be a pandora’s box of questions. I think I knew it would be that way when I started thinking about it, but I don’t think I realized how tiny my bite size pieces would have to be in order for me to really deal with them thoroughly.

Just to give you a more concrete example about how this applies: Holden asked me today (after a discussion about compersion, a.k.a. frubble), “Just as a hypothetical, how would you feel about me holding hands with someone?” I had to answer that I wouldn’t be able to answer that question without first understanding how he felt about her and how she felt about him. I told him I would probably need to feel like there was some sort of discussion about the hand holding before hand holding would be ok because there are many layers to a physical act like hand holding. People can just hold hands and it doesn’t mean anything more than they’re friends, or they’re standing next to each other in church when the Our Father is recited, or they’re swaying together and singing Kumbaya. It’s the emotions underneath the hand holding that are more important, and that’s what we’d have to discuss.

So all of my major philisophical and personal questions are being cut down into smaller and smaller pieces so I can handle each one and eventually tackle the overarching question. I recently watched my favorite episode of Space Ghost Coast to Coast in which he makes up a song about a knife. It’s been coming up all weekend, and now I know why. The song goes like this: “I’m a knife… knifing around… cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut”

-Grace