Can a leopard change her spots?

Holden and I have a policy between us that whenever either of us has an important conversation with someone either of use sees as a potential lover, we share it with each other.  In the case of online chats, with permission from the other person involved, we let each other read the logs of the conversations.  This has worked really well in combating my tendency to let my imagination run away with me when issues of jealousy come up, and it also brings us closer to each other because we’re sharing the experience rather than just having him tell me about it later. 

This works great except when I have a ton of things to do and don’t get around to keeping up on the logs he has for me.  This week has been one of those weeks and a few days had gone by with some conversations Holden wanted to share with me, but my schedule didn’t allow me the time to read through them.

When I finally did, though, I was surprised.  I guess I’d been so caught up in my excitement over the feelings that were developing between Alex and me that I didn’t notice that Holden and Alex were into each other too.  Things started out pretty casually in the chat logs, but after a couple of days they both started getting more and more sexually flirtatious and clearly they were very good at pushing each other’s buttons.  It was clear that they were much closer in terms of how their minds worked in attraction to someone and they seemed equally matched in how quickly they wanted to deepen their relationship. Holden was really excited about this new development and I could tell Alex was really into it too.  But what worried me was that it seemed that none of us had talked to Kyle about how he was feeling about Alex having such a flirtatious friendship with Holden and me. 

A couple of times, Holden had asked Alex how Kyle was feeling about our friendship being so flirtatious and she had indicated that he was fine with it.  It has never been unusual for her to be flirty with friends, much like Holden, and Kyle never felt threatened as long as things only went so far.  This seemed ok, but some of the chat logs did start to push that line of what I guessed would be considered acceptable to Kyle.  I asked Holden if he would have said some of those things to Alex in Kyle’s presence and he admitted that he probably would not have. 

We talked about how as new as this all felt to Holden, it was even newer and more challenging to Alex and Kyle.  Even with the limited experience we have, it’s our responsibility to make sure that we’re helping Alex and Kyle adopt some of the standards of communication and consideration that we’ve developed for ourselves.  Alex had said a few times that she was struggling with boundaries, trying to figure out where to set them, thinking about existing boundaries and how those were being challenged, and so on.  Naturally with such a strong emotional reaction she was feeling a pull to test those boundaries pretty quickly.  Holden, finally seeing the opportunity to develop the kind of relationship he’s wanted for so long, was almost going too fast with things too. 

Despite Kyle’s previous understanding with Alex regarding her flirtation, I sensed this was starting to go beyond that and I encouraged Holden to ask Alex to talk to Kyle again and ask him if he was comfortable with things happening as they were. 

I was pretty freaked out when I saw how quickly things had gotten to the level of intimacy they had with Alex and Holden.  By the end of this week, though, I felt much better knowing that even if boundaries had been crossed a bit already, and that was a mistake, that with good communication and support all around, we could work this out to be a healthy relationship for everyone. 

-Grace

We went to a party with the new couple we’ve been hanging out with.  They were the only two people we knew, but it was a small party so we quickly got a feel for how this crowd would feel about topics like polyamory.  It was funny how we got around to the topic this time.  See, Holden likes to flirt with girls and when he knows he’s among friends who are comfortable with that, he really has fun with it.  So Holden was being his flirtatious self and one guy at the party asked me if it bothered me to have girls flirting back with Holden.  I explained to him that no, in fact, I find it a compliment.  “I know that Holden wouldn’t do anything that I would find offensive, and that if he did, that I could go to him any time and tell him so.  Honestly, it doesn’t bother me because we have such good communication.  If I felt like he was going to run off and sleep with some girl behind my back, then that would be different, but I know that Holden and I are strong in our relationship and that’s what comes first for him, always.”  I could tell it took him a little effort to process that, but he accepted it and we moved on.

A little later, I found out that one of the people at the party is a neopagan, so I asked him if there are many people in the pagan community around here who are polyamorous, since my husband and I are poly and are interested in meeting some other poly people around here.  He said that he’s always noticed the overlap between the two communities.  I asked him if someone like me, who is interested in learning more about neopaganism but doesn’t necessarily want to be initiated, wanted to attend a meeting to observe and meet people, if that would be welcomed in the local communities.  He gave me some good advice about which groups he’d had good experiences with and which ones might be a little more cliquish.

Another good friend of the couple that invited us got along really well with Holden and he has since kept in touch with her and mentioned that we’re poly.  She wasn’t quite sure exactly what that entails but when we’ve had conversations since about what we think about relationships and love, she’s either whole-heartedly agreed with us, or at least respected our opinions and shared her own.

This has been a great experience so far.  I guess I was fearing that I’d come across more closed-minded people than I have, and maybe that’s still in store for me down the road, but I feel really good about the level of comfort Holden and I have gained in talking about poly with people we trust.  I’d love to hear more about other people’s experiences of the first time they explained to someone that they’re poly.

-Grace

As our circle of friends is growing, we’re finding new opportunities for growth.

A friend of mine introduced me to another couple she knows who she felt we’d have a lot in common with.  She’s got a great eye for that kind of thing because ever since we met we’ve been getting to be closer and closer as friends.  We really do have a lot in common, but our life experiences have been so different that we never seem to run out of things to talk about.

One day we were hanging out with this couple and one of them mentioned “our polyamorous friend…”  Holden and I shot each other a glance and I interjected, “Oh, it’s funny you mention that because we’re actually polyamorous too.”  Their response couldn’t be more easygoing.  “Oh really?  Cool.”  And the conversation went on from there.  Ah, yes, I’m going to like these friends very much.

More coming soon about finding opportunities to talk about poly and how that goes for us.

-Grace

Ever since Holden and I have been talking about how and when to bring up poly with our friends, there have been little instances of poly-related chat coming up left and right! It’s like once we opened ourselves up to the possibility of talking about it, the universe decided to throw some opportunities our way.

To recap an earlier post, Holden and I decided that we’d feel okay about letting most of our friends know that we’re poly if the topic seems relevant to the conversation. There are a couple of friends we don’t know as well yet, but for the most part, as long as it feels comfortable, we’re not putting any restrictions on each other as far as whether or not to discuss poly as a general topic we’re interested in and as something we identify with.

Just a day or so after we talked about that, we went to lunch with a couple of people Holden had hung out with a few times and I had met once or twice. We spent the whole lunch hour talking about various mundane things, and for some reason Holden had to get back to work before the rest of us did. I stayed with our two friends and somehow the conversation drifted really naturally to polyamory. Because I didn’t know these people as well as Holden did I didn’t feel comfortable acknowledging that we are poly, but I did feel comfortable joining in the conversation and expressing my opinions openly. That may not seem like such a big deal to some people, but to me, it’s a whole new experience to tell the real truth about my opinions and not just stick with what won’t get me in trouble. That’s been Holden’s experience for years, so I guess he sort of takes it for granted anymore, but since I’m moderately new in developing my opinions about these relationship topics, it felt like a huge change in how I communicate with friends. We talked about how a certain college one of them attended had some polyamorous people who would get triple or quad style dorm rooms so they could all live together. It’s a pretty progressive liberal arts college, I guess.

(This topic made me interested in exploring the polyamorous community on college campuses and I’m curious about how other colleges handle the question of polyamory when it comes to student housing.)

When I brought up how I think that monogamy is great as long as it’s a conscious choice and not just what you default to because there’s not supposed to be anything else, they both agreed with me, and I was surprised at how much they both had thought about the idea before we’d spoken. They both identified to me that they’re not polyamorous, but that they can understand why some people would want to be. It was such a nice refreshing conversation to have. What an unexpected surprise! I felt pretty good about it, and after having talked to Holden about it, I now know that had he been there, he would have felt comfortable enough with them to let them know that we are actually polyamorous. Like I said before, I don’t know them as well as he does, so I held off this time, but if it comes up again, I’ll be happy to talk about it.

I’ve got to get going for now, but stay tuned for more posts about this. The world seems to be blossoming before me with new opportunities! I love spring!

-Grace

After this whole process of exploring the poly world are you a firm believer that you are really happier in this lifestyle or are you simply doing it because you love Holden?

Even though I’ve come to some basic philosophical conclusions, my explorations are nowhere near finished. Holden and I have not even actually HAD a poly relationship yet. We’ve simply become a couple who is currently monogamous but open to the idea of adding additonal partners should the opportunity come up.

As for the idea of doing it because I love Holden, there is some truth to that. Here’s the distinction though: I agreed to try to understand and explore poly because I love Holden. I agreed to do the hard work that goes in to re-examining every assumption about relationships, love, trust, and fidelity because I love Holden. But my decision to actually become open to having a poly relationship with Holden came about through my own independent observations about my own needs and desires, and about how relationships work (or don’t!) in general. Holden has been very careful not to exert too much pressure on me, and believe me when I tell you, that was probably the hardest part of all this for him. Well, maybe. I don’t know, you’d have to ask him about that. But he made it a point to get me to talk about everything as if he was an objective person. His biggest concern was not that I come around to his way of thinking, but that I honestly examine my own feelings in light of new information. While he initiated the process, I carried it in the direction that was most beneficial to me. You’ll notice as this blog continues how Holden and I have come to different conclusions about certain aspects of poly, especially as it relates to the nature vs. nurture argument. It is through these little differences of opinion that you can see that I’ve actually thought this stuff through for myself, and haven’t just accepted Holden’s take on everything.

This wraps up my little series summarizing my current status as a potential polyamorist.

Coming up soon: A discussion on the idea of “coming out,” and hopefully the beginning of a series of reviews of movies dealing with polyamory.

Do you think that if you were given the choice to be monogamous with Holden that you would rather do that, or are you actually a believer that (while it is hard sometimes emotionally) polyamory really is the way to be happy in relationships?

This is one of those questions I’ve had a hard time answering because I was afraid of my answer. But if I look at myself truly honestly and answer as if the answer is just for me, and not to be judged by anyone, I think answering right now, I’d say I’d rather be monogamous with Holden. Of course, if you asked me if I’d rather bike up a steep mountain foothill or along a flat stretch of gravel road, I’d choose the flat gravel road too. It’s human nature to want the path of least resistance. Considering that we don’t actually have anybody else in our relationship, and haven’t had anyone yet, I’ve still never actually experienced what it’s like to be in a poly relationship with Holden. So it’s kind of the devil you know versus the devil you don’t. However, there’s nothing saying that won’t change in the future. All I know for sure right now is that through all the crazy shit we’ve been through in the past year and in years past, Holden has been the best partner for me and regardless of the configuration of our relationship in the future, I am sure I will want it to be with Holden.

Do you guys think that you are making the choice to be a poly couple because it is what you think will work for “you guys,” or are you confident that if you were longer together you would still search for a poly lifestyle?

I think Holden for sure would be poly regardless of whether we were together. I don’t know. I don’t think I would actively seek multiple partners, but rather if multiple people came my way that I wanted a deep relationship with, I wouldn’t rule it out. It’s like that with anything though. I don’t think we go through life “seeking” a relationship, we just learn how to be open to one.

Short answer today. But tomorrow there will be more. Check back for “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 5

Do you think that the people who meet and marry one person and spend their lives together are really content?

I think some people have the capacity for that. However, I think they’re much more rare than people who would be more content having multiple partners at some time in their lives.  As I talked about in part 2, there are complications to any relationship, and if a monogamous couple decides that they want to remain monogamous while dealing with all of these complications, that can leave them both feeling happy and fulfilled if it’s what they both truly want.  Now, I don’t think that’s as common or as easy as we’ve been led to believe.  It’s certainly not the norm. 

By “complications” I mean anything that challenges the monogamous feelings of either person in the relationship.  Developing feelings for someone other than one’s partner, lusting after a movie star, finding emotional fulfillment in an Internet relationship that isn’t being found in the real life monogamous relationship are all examples of possible complications.  People in our mainstream society are more likely to deny the complications, sweep them under the rug, or act on their impulses and desires in secret, none of which are healthy.  Open communication is the first requirement in dealing with any complication.  I could go on for pages about what constitutes open communication and strategies to start doing it, but that would be a pretty far digression. 

In short, I think that if a monogamous couple face challenges together openly and honestly and still find they are happiest being monogamous, then they can be content in that.  What most people see as contentment, however, is more often actually resignation. 

Don’t forget to check out the next installment of “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 4!

-Grace

Do you think that ultimately everyone would be happier if they could take on the polyamorous way of life?

I don’t think polyamory is for everyone. I think there are people out there who are just going to be happier in a monogamous relationship. The problem I see is that monogamy is usually the only choice presented. I think monogamy is fine as long as you’re actively choosing to be monogamous, having considered that there are other possibilities out there. Most people don’t ever consider anything but monogamy and I don’t think that’s healthy. I think a lot more people would choose to be polyamorous if they knew it existed and weren’t told by the powers that be that it’s a bad lifestyle choice.

Polyamory is complicated.  It’s a constant challenge.  I think of it this way: monogamy is Relationship 101-201, sort of the basic course, that is still pretty challenging, but ultimately only pushes you so far.  Polyamory is more like a 300-400 level class that adds such advanced concepts into the lesson as fluid swapping, compersion (a.k.a. frubble), and primary/secondary partners.  You have to learn a whole new vocabulary and a whole new set of strategies. Plus, the level of self examination that is required for someone to even have the remotest chance of making polyamory work can be daunting.  Because of the level of effort involved in just having a moderately successful polyamorous relationship, it’s not necessarily the best option for the lowest common denominator of our population. 

That said, I do think that people who currently have monogamous relationships can benefit greatly from having the honest discussions that can come up with considering the possiblity of poly.  Even if they decide that monogamy is best for them, the fact that they’ve talked these things over can greatly strengthen their monogamous relationship. 

Additionally, anyone who is currently in a monogamous relationship and is considering making it poly had better make sure their monogamous relationship is already good and strong because poly is going to challenge it in surprising ways.  I really believe that if you’re starting out from a monogamous place, you have to sort of “master” monogamy before you can add any additional partners.  Additional partners only multiply complications, they never reduce them.  If you already have a strong base in a committed relationship, you’ll be prepared to handle those additional complications.  If not, then the complications will not only burn your new relationship, but also damage your existing one. 

Whatever your relationship status, it must be a mutually agreed upon arrangement for it to be fulfilling to everyone involved. 

Stay tuned for the next installment, “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 3!

-Grace

I recently received an email from a reader (it still tickles me that I have readers!) that brought up a number of really deep questions. In some ways they are difficult because I’m not always sure I’m going to like the answers. I worry sometimes that Holden might not like my answers. Many of them are questions I’ve been avoiding answering definitively because I’m still exploring the world of poly and its possibilities and drawbacks. But having them posed to me directly has prompted me to look back on the past year and evaluate my experience. In a way, this is the closing of a chapter and the transition to a new one. I’m going to break these up into separate posts so I’m not flooding you with too much information at once. So here is my first installment of a series I’d like to call “Chapter 1 and a half.”

My lovely reader asked:

I am curious as to what your overall view on relationships is. Do you think that with the way people are (biologically, socially, etc.) it is actually possible to have the “fairy tale romance” that our culture promotes?

I think biologically, there are some very basic things that may be hardwired in people. I don’t like to let them count for a whole lot, though, because we have the power to change any of those things and even completely reverse them. Additionally, I don’t believe you can predict how someone’s hardwired based on their gender, age, or anything else. I think people are born to be who/what they are, and deep down only they know what their core is like.

That said, society is a very strong force. Often we don’t even realize how completely society shapes us until we start taking apart each piece of our assumptions and asking ourselves objectively how we feel about them. You remember how daunting peer pressure was when you were young. Heck, I’m finding as an adult that peer pressure is still pretty strong. Everybody wants to fit in somewhere, and for most people that means fitting in to “society.” My view of society is that it is made up of all of the following and more: family, religion, Hollywood, advertising, and peer groups. With society telling us constantly that there is no acceptable way to have a relationship except through monogamy, it can be nearly impossible to see that there are other options out there.

As for a fairy tale romance, it depends on what your idea of a fairy tale is. My experience with fairy tales is that while everyone ends up happily ever after in the end, they don’t get there without a good bit of drama and conflict. In fact, in my opinion, the best parts of the story are the ones where you see the hero/heroine struggling with an inner weakness or problem and learning how to overcome it or use it to their advantage, or whatever. It’s only then that the exciting part of the story begins, when the hero/heroine confronts their enemy head on. Eventually all this conflict results in the foe being slain and the hero/heroine being happy in their peaceful new life only because they know how hard they fought to get there. If that’s the model of fairy tale we’re using, then yeah!

I guess that wasn’t what you were talking about though. If the “fairy tale romance” you were talking about means a heterosexual couple getting married and never desiring anyone else ever again and never feeling resentful, constrained, or disappointed, then the short answer is no. The complications of romance and desire may affect people differently through their lives, but it will be there in one form or another no matter what.

By accepting that these complications will be there, you have to then move on to the next question, which is how will you deal with them? This question is much harder to answer and that’s why people so often simply refuse to believe that there will be complications. If they don’t exist, there’s no need to do all the hard work of figuring out how to deal with them. Problem solved, right? (Smirk.)

As always, I’m happy to read your comments, so feel free to leave some on this post, or email me at monopolyblog@gmail.com.

Watch this space for “Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 2!

-Grace