Feeling badly represented in literature

A couple weeks ago I picked up The Literary Companion to Sex. I felt it would be a fun cross between my erotica browsing efforts and my college degree.  I finally flipped it open the other day. The book is arranged as short snippets of sections from important works of literature that deal with sex. It starts in the ancient world with the Bible and important Greek and Roman writers and progresses forward through history.

I started to get really depressed when I realized that most of the stories that weren’t sophomoric bawdy jokes were about someone finding intense pleasure from having sex with someone he/she was not supposed to be having sex with. Now, don’t get me wrong, I get that that’s a pretty potent fantasy and a real kicker in reality. But it was discouraging that THIS was the way “exciting” sex has been portrayed through literary history.

What bothered me about it was not the fact that the already espoused person was seeking sex outside his/her marriage, but that the stories made the cuckolded spouse out to be, well, a cuckold! He/she was either dull or sexually deficient, which caused the cheating spouse to seek more diverting company, or terribly oppressive, which drove the philanderer into more loving and accepting arms. That is, if he/she is even mentioned at all!

Thing is, if I were to try and relate any of these stories to my situation, I’m presumably in the role of the dull/oppressive/deficient spouse sitting at home while my dallying husband goes off to seek greener pastures.

What depressed me about it even more was that because this is the standard for literature through the ages, readers respond to this either pitiable or hated character and then apply the same response to monogamous partners of polyamorous spouses. If people aren’t pitying us for being the victims of an inconsiderate spouse, they’re blaming us and saying we must not have sweet enough honey to keep the bee at home.

Where’s the literature that shows a strong, honest couple whose relationship allows for exciting variety in the marriage?  Where’s the story about a person being empowered and defeating insecurity in the process of sharing his/her spouse with another? Where’s the story of the mono-partnered spouse getting turned on by his/her partner’s extra-marital adventures?

I refuse to be associated with the soggy Charles Bovary or the bitter soul-killing spouse in Written on the Body.

I am a passionate, vibrant, sensual person who is adored by my spouse, dammit! Oh I have room to grow and challenges to overcome, but our story is not one of escape and deceit and resignation. It is full of passion in all directions. It is built on a strong foundation, nearly 10 years’ worth of sexual energy between us that is still expanding to include more diverse interests. Holden did not go seeking a mistress because his passion for me had fizzled out. He did it in part to flare up the passion he already felt for me.

Right now I feel kind of alone in this. I feel like my story is lonely among the conventional love stories of our culture. One of my greatest fears is that while I didn’t start out like those characters I pity and despise and yet sympathize with, that I will become one of them, that I’m on my way there already and just don’t know it yet.

I guess that’s all the more reason to make sure I stay strong and vibrant and passionate. Being able to see what I don’t want for myself is an excellent motivator toward becoming what I do want.

And in the meantime, if you know of any stories, movies, or plays that present a spouse who shares his/her partner with other lovers and maintains the strength and love of the original relationship, please PLEASE share it with me here, either in a comment below or via email at monopolyblog@gmail.com.

-Grace

Taking a step out into the light.

Holden and I have taken the process of coming out as poly to our friends very slowly and carefully. It took me a long time to dispel my fear of being out. A lot of that fear had to do with my own personal confidence in the poly lifestyle and how ready I felt to discuss it in a positive way. When things were hard for me with poly, even though I was fully dedicated to sticking with it and working with Holden through all of the problems, I didn’t really want to discuss it with new people. I didn’t want my tone of voice or reticence about certain topics to make it seem like I was being dragged along or victimized in all this. That’s on top of the very real fear of word getting back to my tight-knit traditional Catholic family whom I love very deeply and need to hide this from in order to keep that connection. (It’s something Holden and I have discussed at length and that we agree is a sad but necessary sacrifice.)

But I’ve got my confidence back and I’ve spent the time between then and now thinking deeply about the relationships I have with these friends and how close and trusting we are of each other. There is definitely a list of “approved” and “not approved” people between Holden and myself that we review with each other every so often.

We are not the only ones involved in this decision, though. While Holden’s girlfriend’s husband is not ready to be out and understandably wants control of that aspect of his life, we have an arrangement that lets me and Holden be honest with our friends, but maintains that boundary. Holden and I may out ourselves and speak honestly about Holden being involved with someone, but the specifics about who he’s involved with have to stay hidden. That way we can out ourselves and not out the other couple without their permission.

Such was the case at a social gathering this weekend. The conversation turned to relationship issues and as I looked around I noticed that the people we were with who didn’t already know about us were on the approved list Holden and I had discussed.  We just hadn’t gotten around to bringing it up with them yet.  Just for clarity’s sake, Holden and I have a sort of “need to know” attitude about this with our friends. If it comes up and is relevant to whatever is going on, then that’s a time to mention that we’re poly. If circumstances called for it, a “sit down, lets talk about something” kind of discussion could happen but that didn’t seem terribly likely.

Anyway, as the discussion progressed, I felt really comfortable at that moment allowing ourselves to be included in the conversation as people with open marriage experience. This comfort was made easier by the fact that two other people there had already either identified themselves openly as polyamorous or as having friends who are. That combined with the comfort level I felt with the rest of the people involved made it pretty easy to get an okay from Holden and give him my okay that we could be fully honest with this group.

It felt great to talk openly about our philosophy and what open marriage is like. Our friends had a couple of questions, as we expected, but the whole experience was super comfortable and while I still felt a little nervous, it felt very liberating as well.  Most importantly, I felt really loved and accepted by my friends. That was the best feeling of all.

According to the agreed-upon process, Holden notified the other couple the next morning of who we’d come out to and under what circumstances. And overall I feel good about it. I’m still having to take a few deep breaths to calm myself, but that’s to be expected with any big step out of a comfort zone.

And now I’m off to bask in the memory of that love and acceptance.

-Grace

I’ve found my feet on solid ground.

I’ve been getting so much great encouragement from you wonderful readers. If I haven’t responded to your comment personally, please know that I have read it and it has given me great comfort.

These past weeks have been a sort of reset period for me. Things have gotten to a point of stability and relative comfort and that’s given me a chance to step back from everything and reassess what I’m feeling, what I want, and how I want all of this to work for me as well as for Holden.

Some things I’ve reaffirmed for myself:

1. My commitment to sharing a polyamorous lifestyle with Holden.
2. Life is fluid and I can flow with it without being drowned by it.

Next, some areas I’ve grown and can continue to grow:

1. My ability to define what’s right and feels good for me and stand up for my right to have/seek those things.
2. A better understanding of my chronic depression (and the ability to even say “chronic depression” out loud to someone other than Holden)

In general terms, here is the current status of where everything stands, as I see it:

Holden and I are strong in our bond and our commitment to each other. Our connection has been severely tested recently.   But even at the worst, most desperate times in all this we’ve maintained a deep rooted desire for each other, be it in the role of lover, comforter, caretaker, listener, cheerleader, or distraction. No matter what was going on or how angry we were at each other, that core element never wavered.

I have come to a stable position of being happy in my monogamous commitment to Holden. While I genuinely wanted to be poly and have relationships with other people (two in particular) beyond my marriage, I have to admit that there was a part of me that was doing it for Holden’s sake. Now that I’ve stepped back and examined everything more carefully I can see that any desire to enter into a polyamorous relationship needs to come entirely from me. Feeling like I should do something because someone else wants it for me, or doing it because I want to prove something to someone are now major red flags for me.  For right now I am happy being monogamous with Holden. That doesn’t mean I won’t want a polyamorous relationship someday, but I’ve got so much to work on to make myself strong that it’ll be a while before I feel ready for another relationship. And that’s okay. I don’t have to feel guilty because I’ve chosen NOT to be poly. I haven’t let Holden down by not trying hard enough or not being brave enough. This is my choice and it feels good and right and solid. And that’s enough.

As for Holden’s relationship with his girlfriend, I am accepting of it. Because of the tension and emotional baggage now attached to her, however, my acceptance only extends to a certain point. It is a passive acceptance, not an embrace. I have gotten to a point that it doesn’t make me hurt, angry, or upset that Holden is dating her, is in love with her, and wants to spend time with her. It does sometimes make me sad when he spends an evening with her.  But that’s not a severe or unexpected reaction and I’m actually kind of proud that I’ve learned to handle it so well.  There is a line, however, that I’m not yet ready to blur. Right now, Holden’s romantic relationship with his girlfriend is completely separate from me and my life. I prefer it that way for a lot of reasons. However, that need of mine does create some inconveniences for the logistics of their relationship and some emotional strife for Holden. I’m taking steps to get more comfortable in areas surrounding that so hopefully with a little more time and patience, I can be more flexible.

So yeah, in general things on my end of the situation seem to be leveling out. I still have a lot of work to do, but at least I feel like I’m standing on firmer ground to do it.

As always thanks for all the support and input. I love hearing from you whether it’s through a comment on this blog or an email at monopolyblog@gmail.com.

-Grace

False positives revealed?

As I’ve been thinking back about my feelings over the past year, and the so called achievements I made in personal growth, I’ve had to confront the fact that many of the signs that I was learning to overcome my jealousy were not really there at all.

It’s been hard to admit to myself but the times I thought I was feeling compersion or at the very least feeling happy that things were working out for Holden and his girlfriend were really based on my own insecurities being placated, not out of a mature sense of relationship freedom.  For a long time Holden’s girlfriend said or implied that she wanted some form of relationship with me as well as Holden; that she wanted more than friendship with me, whatever shape we decided that would take.  I was very confused about my feelings and admittedly made it difficult for anything to be done about that, but the feeling of being wanted and desired was there. Looking back, I realize now that the times I thought I was feeling compersion were actually times when I felt wanted and desired by both Holden and his girlfriend. The situation had to involve her showing something for me in order for me to feel secure. Even if it was just that she wanted me there as a friend and wanted me involved in whatever they were doing socially, that made a difference. Though, those weren’t quite as powerful as the times when she showed me how much she desired me sexually.  Holden, meanwhile, has always made me feel desired and wanted, and he was very keen on the idea of having me fully involved in the relationship with his girlfriend, to whatever level we wanted to take that.  He frequently said that even when he and his girlfriend were sharing something special, he had a feeling of wanting me there too. He didn’t want to be with her to the exclusion of me. He wanted us both there and involved at the same time. That’s impossible now, because she decided she doesn’t want to pursue anything beyond a basic platonic friendship with me, which makes it very hard to think of being around the two of them. Holden would be able to be affectionate and flirtatious with her, or with me, but not both, and she and I would have to keep things on a strictly platonic non-sexual level. Talk about awkward. I want no part of a situation in which I have to be around people being playfully sexual and flirtatious but not be allowed to participate in that.

Anyway, now that the door is closed on that possibility, I’ve been very discouraged about how difficult it is for me to feel happy for Holden. The sense that he is desired and happy and has positive experiences with her should make me happy, but instead I end up feeling left out, left behind, and inadequate, all of which stir up the self doubt that grips me.

There are many complex issues involved here, but the simplified version is that before, I thought this extra relationship was something for me as well as for Holden.  Now that it’s just for Holden I can’t seem to bring myself to be happy with it, or sometimes even tolerate it.

Right now I’m at a loss for how to become happy about it.  I’m feeling so far away from compersion that it doesn’t even feel possible right now.  I keep looking at the situation and trying to see how I can rationalize it to myself that I should be happy for Holden and that this whole setup has benefits for everyone, not just those directly involved.

The ideal I’m trying to reach is this: to feel genuine compersion for Holden, to feel selfless joy at seeing him happy, without requiring the situation to directly benefit me.

That’s feeling somewhat unattainable at the moment, so the mid-range goal I have in the meantime is just to feel okay with Holden’s relationship and not feel slighted or robbed of time and intimacy with him. I want to get my insecurities under control so I don’t feel threatened and panicky every time they spend time together.

There’s a lot that goes into the background of all of that. But realizing that I was wrong when I thought I was doing so well at accepting everything has shown me just how much further I have to go in my personal development to be able to have a successful and satisfying relationship with my husband.

It’s going to be a long hard slog. I’ll do my best to write about it all here.

-Grace

My first published article!

I just had an article published in The Truth Quarterly, an indy publication put together by a really fun group of guys.  Sadly, it’s the last issue coming out, but I do plan on contributing some more articles to their next project.

Anyway, here’s a link to the publication:  http://www.yostrick9.com/2008/the-final-issue-of-the-truth-quarterly/

I haven’t written much here on the blog lately, but there’s lots to come. Check back soon!

-Grace

Polyamory in the New York Times

Hopelessly Devoted to You, You and You by Alex Williams

Here’s a great article from the New York Times about polyamory!  Alex Williams gave a very realistic, down-to-earth treatment of polyamory.  I especially liked the focus on communication and the upfront way jealousy was dealt with.

-Grace

Yay for poly in group settings!

We went to a party with the new couple we’ve been hanging out with.  They were the only two people we knew, but it was a small party so we quickly got a feel for how this crowd would feel about topics like polyamory.  It was funny how we got around to the topic this time.  See, Holden likes to flirt with girls and when he knows he’s among friends who are comfortable with that, he really has fun with it.  So Holden was being his flirtatious self and one guy at the party asked me if it bothered me to have girls flirting back with Holden.  I explained to him that no, in fact, I find it a compliment.  “I know that Holden wouldn’t do anything that I would find offensive, and that if he did, that I could go to him any time and tell him so.  Honestly, it doesn’t bother me because we have such good communication.  If I felt like he was going to run off and sleep with some girl behind my back, then that would be different, but I know that Holden and I are strong in our relationship and that’s what comes first for him, always.”  I could tell it took him a little effort to process that, but he accepted it and we moved on.

A little later, I found out that one of the people at the party is a neopagan, so I asked him if there are many people in the pagan community around here who are polyamorous, since my husband and I are poly and are interested in meeting some other poly people around here.  He said that he’s always noticed the overlap between the two communities.  I asked him if someone like me, who is interested in learning more about neopaganism but doesn’t necessarily want to be initiated, wanted to attend a meeting to observe and meet people, if that would be welcomed in the local communities.  He gave me some good advice about which groups he’d had good experiences with and which ones might be a little more cliquish.

Another good friend of the couple that invited us got along really well with Holden and he has since kept in touch with her and mentioned that we’re poly.  She wasn’t quite sure exactly what that entails but when we’ve had conversations since about what we think about relationships and love, she’s either whole-heartedly agreed with us, or at least respected our opinions and shared her own.

This has been a great experience so far.  I guess I was fearing that I’d come across more closed-minded people than I have, and maybe that’s still in store for me down the road, but I feel really good about the level of comfort Holden and I have gained in talking about poly with people we trust.  I’d love to hear more about other people’s experiences of the first time they explained to someone that they’re poly.

-Grace

Love my new friends!

As our circle of friends is growing, we’re finding new opportunities for growth.

A friend of mine introduced me to another couple she knows who she felt we’d have a lot in common with.  She’s got a great eye for that kind of thing because ever since we met we’ve been getting to be closer and closer as friends.  We really do have a lot in common, but our life experiences have been so different that we never seem to run out of things to talk about.

One day we were hanging out with this couple and one of them mentioned “our polyamorous friend…”  Holden and I shot each other a glance and I interjected, “Oh, it’s funny you mention that because we’re actually polyamorous too.”  Their response couldn’t be more easygoing.  “Oh really?  Cool.”  And the conversation went on from there.  Ah, yes, I’m going to like these friends very much.

More coming soon about finding opportunities to talk about poly and how that goes for us.

-Grace

Speak of the devil?

Ever since Holden and I have been talking about how and when to bring up poly with our friends, there have been little instances of poly-related chat coming up left and right! It’s like once we opened ourselves up to the possibility of talking about it, the universe decided to throw some opportunities our way.

To recap an earlier post, Holden and I decided that we’d feel okay about letting most of our friends know that we’re poly if the topic seems relevant to the conversation. There are a couple of friends we don’t know as well yet, but for the most part, as long as it feels comfortable, we’re not putting any restrictions on each other as far as whether or not to discuss poly as a general topic we’re interested in and as something we identify with.

Just a day or so after we talked about that, we went to lunch with a couple of people Holden had hung out with a few times and I had met once or twice. We spent the whole lunch hour talking about various mundane things, and for some reason Holden had to get back to work before the rest of us did. I stayed with our two friends and somehow the conversation drifted really naturally to polyamory. Because I didn’t know these people as well as Holden did I didn’t feel comfortable acknowledging that we are poly, but I did feel comfortable joining in the conversation and expressing my opinions openly. That may not seem like such a big deal to some people, but to me, it’s a whole new experience to tell the real truth about my opinions and not just stick with what won’t get me in trouble. That’s been Holden’s experience for years, so I guess he sort of takes it for granted anymore, but since I’m moderately new in developing my opinions about these relationship topics, it felt like a huge change in how I communicate with friends. We talked about how a certain college one of them attended had some polyamorous people who would get triple or quad style dorm rooms so they could all live together. It’s a pretty progressive liberal arts college, I guess.

(This topic made me interested in exploring the polyamorous community on college campuses and I’m curious about how other colleges handle the question of polyamory when it comes to student housing.)

When I brought up how I think that monogamy is great as long as it’s a conscious choice and not just what you default to because there’s not supposed to be anything else, they both agreed with me, and I was surprised at how much they both had thought about the idea before we’d spoken. They both identified to me that they’re not polyamorous, but that they can understand why some people would want to be. It was such a nice refreshing conversation to have. What an unexpected surprise! I felt pretty good about it, and after having talked to Holden about it, I now know that had he been there, he would have felt comfortable enough with them to let them know that we are actually polyamorous. Like I said before, I don’t know them as well as he does, so I held off this time, but if it comes up again, I’ll be happy to talk about it.

I’ve got to get going for now, but stay tuned for more posts about this. The world seems to be blossoming before me with new opportunities! I love spring!

-Grace

“Chapter 1 and a Half,” part 6: Wrapping up

After this whole process of exploring the poly world are you a firm believer that you are really happier in this lifestyle or are you simply doing it because you love Holden?

Even though I’ve come to some basic philosophical conclusions, my explorations are nowhere near finished. Holden and I have not even actually HAD a poly relationship yet. We’ve simply become a couple who is currently monogamous but open to the idea of adding additonal partners should the opportunity come up.

As for the idea of doing it because I love Holden, there is some truth to that. Here’s the distinction though: I agreed to try to understand and explore poly because I love Holden. I agreed to do the hard work that goes in to re-examining every assumption about relationships, love, trust, and fidelity because I love Holden. But my decision to actually become open to having a poly relationship with Holden came about through my own independent observations about my own needs and desires, and about how relationships work (or don’t!) in general. Holden has been very careful not to exert too much pressure on me, and believe me when I tell you, that was probably the hardest part of all this for him. Well, maybe. I don’t know, you’d have to ask him about that. But he made it a point to get me to talk about everything as if he was an objective person. His biggest concern was not that I come around to his way of thinking, but that I honestly examine my own feelings in light of new information. While he initiated the process, I carried it in the direction that was most beneficial to me. You’ll notice as this blog continues how Holden and I have come to different conclusions about certain aspects of poly, especially as it relates to the nature vs. nurture argument. It is through these little differences of opinion that you can see that I’ve actually thought this stuff through for myself, and haven’t just accepted Holden’s take on everything.

This wraps up my little series summarizing my current status as a potential polyamorist.

Coming up soon: A discussion on the idea of “coming out,” and hopefully the beginning of a series of reviews of movies dealing with polyamory.