Poly baby steps

I had a really nice talk with Josie today. If you’ll remember, Josie is a friend of both Holden and me. She’s one of the people Holden has kind of hoped for a relationship with, but he’s also perfectly happy just keeping things the way they are with her. What’s unique about our friendship with Josie is that she is one of the few girls I really feel comfortable bringing into our relationship as a more romantic partner for Holden.

After I wrote my last blog post, in which I expressed that I’m ready to have the conversation about asking Josie to join our relationship should the subject come up, I realized how passive that attitude was. I decided it wasn’t right to expect Holden to initiate everything. I talked with Holden about the idea that I’d like to talk to Josie and just let her know that if she felt attracted to Holden and wanted to have a deeper relationship with him, that I would support that and welcome her into our relationship. Holden was surprised that I wanted to take the lead in this, but naturally he was excited that I felt so comfortable and positive about it.

I didn’t go into the conversation expecting her to actually want to start a relationship with Holden, and I know that’s not what Holden’s going for right now either, but my goal was just to get across to Josie that I think of her as a special kind of friend; one that I’d welcome as an extended part of our committed relationship.

Maybe from the outside this seems like a silly sort of statement of the obvious or that it shouldn’t be such a big deal to talk about this kind of thing with a friend, but it is for me. This is the first time I’ve ever approached a friend and told her that I’d in essence be willing to share my husband with her in a romantic way. There is a potential for this to be a huge risk. I mean, what if Josie totally freaked out about it and decided not to be friends with either of us anymore? That’s a pretty big risk since she’s such a close friend to both of us. Fortunately, both Holden and I have talked with Josie about poly before, in general terms. She has expressed to both of us that she can appreciate how it works for some people. She’s really open about talking about poly in general terms and has been interested in understanding our thoughts and feelings about it. Because of her attitude about poly and her openness in talking about other important aspects of life, I felt pretty confident that she would not freak out so badly as to end the friendship or anything. I figured at the worst she might change how she interacts with Holden and me. I worried a little that she might be less comfortable for a while, that she might withdraw a bit or just feel some awkwardness knowing we’d thought about her in that way.

I got a chance to talk to Josie online today.  Everything went beautifully!  We were talking about poly in general terms and then I took the opportunity to tell her that she is someone I’d be comfortable with Holden having a poly relationship with.  I let her know that I don’t expect anything and I know that things aren’t there right now, but that if they were, I’d be ok with it.

Her response was to tell me she was honored that I think of her that way.  She let me know that I needn’t have worried about her getting scared and running away from our friendship, that she’s not going anywhere.

It was a really nice, affirming conversation.  And as far as I can tell, nothing has changed about our friendship or her friendship with Holden, except that we all know how much we value each other’s friendship and love.

This was probably the best possible outcome for the conversation and I’m feeling really good about things.  I told Holden about my conversation with Josie and he was surprised by my candor and super happy that I felt comfortable enough with Josie to have the conversation.

It was a baby step in some ways, but when I think of it in terms of this being the first person I’ve approached about the idea of sharing a poly relationship, it feels kind of big.