Can a leopard change her spots?

In this episode, Minx reads a listener’s email that talks about a couple dealing with much the same situation as Holden and I. Here’s how she puts it (slightly paraphrased):

“…the transition to a poly relationship from a monogamous one is extremely treacherous. First of all in bringing it up, I know that he [Graydancer] was terrified of bringing up to his fiancé that he really believed that at his heart he was poly and that he needed to see other people. And he was terrified, he thought he was gonna lose her.”

I can definitely appreciate what Holden must have gone through in deciding to bring this to me and weighing what my response might be. It really helps me to remember that he’s not just being self indulgent in wanting to consider this, that it’s a major life decision and he must have wrestled with it long and hard.

She goes on: “…it is really really scary. And while I haven’t personally been on that end of it, I really feel for you because how terrifying is it to be the one that comes into a relationship and says, you know, I know we’ve been together for eight, nine years but here, let me just reach in and grab all of your insecurities and rip them out and shine a big bright light on them, won’t that be fun? Yeah, no, definitely it’s not fun.”

She also makes sure to remind us that there are many possible outcomes, that there’s nothing saying we HAVE to end up poly-whatever and that if we decide NOT to change our relationship, we can still come up with outlets for the polyamorous energies that are present, and it doesn’t have to be a case of one person forcing the other to conform to their way of feeling. That’s very valuable to me because while I am learning to appreciate being pushed out of my comfort zone, I also have to remember that I am not obligated to change anything I don’t want to change. I do need to listen to everything and give it proper consideration, but that doesn’t require any action on my part unless I say I’m ready. Cool.

Minx later brings up an example of a couple she knows in which it was the woman who approached the man and said she desired polyamory and I was surprised to hear that the man had many of the same initial fears that I had when I was first faced with the idea. “My God, I’ve married you, we’ve built this life together. How can I not be enough for you?” I’m so grateful that Holden didn’t take it too hard when I freaked out on him like that. I think if I had been in his position I might not have handled it as well.

Something else she pointed out that I hadn’t thought about before was the idea that it’s scary enough just bringing up the idea of including polyamory in your relationship, but it’s a whole additional layer on top of that when there’s actually a specific person in mind when you bring it up. Yes, dear, I’m interested in polyamory and that’s the person I want to be polyamorous with. Yikes. Double the questions, double the insecurity, especially if it’s someone you don’t know at all and have never met. It’s kind of that way with me and Holden, except the people he’s interested in are people we already know. That’s good, in that I feel like I can trust them to be cool as well. But also scary because I can compare myself to them and feed my insecurities. She’s got a better body than me. Her hair is prettier. She has a great laugh. She can do a backbend and grab her ankles behind her head. o.0 I know. Right? So adding these little extra things just makes it all a bit more complex. I think if I just remember to deal with people as individuals and not body parts and/or contortionist tendencies I’ll be alright. (But just in case… where’s that yoga video? Streeeeeeeetch!)

She moved on to another topic that I’ve had a lot of questions about (I know, this show is PACKED with good things!): Swinging vs. Polyamory.

Right now, I’m still searching for definitions in an effort to figure out how I feel about about the possibility of trying certain things.

First of all, Minx’s listener points out that the common distinction that polyamory is about love while swinging is about sex is not necessarily true. Obviously there’s sex involved with polyamory, and swinging often does involve an element of love, so it’s not really fair to split them so distinctly.

However, after listening to a little more of the podcast, I’m still really puzzled. Why would poly people want to distance themselves from being called swingers even though some poly people do participate in swinging? Why would swinging have a bad connotation while poly has a good connotation? Is it the inclusion of “long term, committed” in the definition of polyamory that makes it perceived better than swinging?

This will require further investigation on my part, and I will be seeking input from anybody who might have some to give. J

-Grace