Can a leopard change her spots?

Ever since Holden and I have been talking about how and when to bring up poly with our friends, there have been little instances of poly-related chat coming up left and right! It’s like once we opened ourselves up to the possibility of talking about it, the universe decided to throw some opportunities our way.

To recap an earlier post, Holden and I decided that we’d feel okay about letting most of our friends know that we’re poly if the topic seems relevant to the conversation. There are a couple of friends we don’t know as well yet, but for the most part, as long as it feels comfortable, we’re not putting any restrictions on each other as far as whether or not to discuss poly as a general topic we’re interested in and as something we identify with.

Just a day or so after we talked about that, we went to lunch with a couple of people Holden had hung out with a few times and I had met once or twice. We spent the whole lunch hour talking about various mundane things, and for some reason Holden had to get back to work before the rest of us did. I stayed with our two friends and somehow the conversation drifted really naturally to polyamory. Because I didn’t know these people as well as Holden did I didn’t feel comfortable acknowledging that we are poly, but I did feel comfortable joining in the conversation and expressing my opinions openly. That may not seem like such a big deal to some people, but to me, it’s a whole new experience to tell the real truth about my opinions and not just stick with what won’t get me in trouble. That’s been Holden’s experience for years, so I guess he sort of takes it for granted anymore, but since I’m moderately new in developing my opinions about these relationship topics, it felt like a huge change in how I communicate with friends. We talked about how a certain college one of them attended had some polyamorous people who would get triple or quad style dorm rooms so they could all live together. It’s a pretty progressive liberal arts college, I guess.

(This topic made me interested in exploring the polyamorous community on college campuses and I’m curious about how other colleges handle the question of polyamory when it comes to student housing.)

When I brought up how I think that monogamy is great as long as it’s a conscious choice and not just what you default to because there’s not supposed to be anything else, they both agreed with me, and I was surprised at how much they both had thought about the idea before we’d spoken. They both identified to me that they’re not polyamorous, but that they can understand why some people would want to be. It was such a nice refreshing conversation to have. What an unexpected surprise! I felt pretty good about it, and after having talked to Holden about it, I now know that had he been there, he would have felt comfortable enough with them to let them know that we are actually polyamorous. Like I said before, I don’t know them as well as he does, so I held off this time, but if it comes up again, I’ll be happy to talk about it.

I’ve got to get going for now, but stay tuned for more posts about this. The world seems to be blossoming before me with new opportunities! I love spring!

-Grace

I wrote this post back in May of last year and somehow forgot to post it!  How strange.  Anyway, now that it’s May again and this seems relevant, I’ll post it.

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The mayflies are back. If you don’t know what mayflies are, they’re these bugs that look kind of like big mosquitos, but they don’t bite. The live something like three days total. They all hatch at once, boogie around for a couple of days mating and laying eggs, and if they don’t get eaten by a bird or a fish, they die anyway by the third or fourth day. Mayflies always remind me that life is short and we have to really live while we’re living. It also makes me think about ways I could be a better person and make others’ lives happier while they’re here too.

People tend to take those closest to them for granted the most. It’s true of our parents when we’re kids and it’s true of our spouses after we’ve been married a couple of years. I realize how much I take Holden for granted. I also take it for granted that he doesn’t need to be complimented to feel good about himself. See, Holden has always appeared very confident, with very healthy self esteem; sometimes overly healthy in fact. So I often forget that he has insecurities too, that he gets down about his appearance just like anyone else, and that he doesn’t always feel appreciated just because I smile at him. Deep down he knows I find him extremely attractive, but he does need to hear it sometimes. Unfortunately, I am terrible at remembering to speak my compliments out loud. I think nice things about him all the time, but stupidly, I keep them to myself.

So, in the spirit of the mayflies who have a lot of living to do in a very short time, I will try to remember that compliments and praise have a short shelf life, and must be renewed every day.

I had previously required an email address be entered for all comments on this blog, but I’ve changed that. You can now submit comments to me anonymously. I will still be fully moderating comments, though.

As always, feel free to email me personally at monopolyblog@gmail.com

-Grace

That weekend we drove about 500 miles to visit our friends from college. We were both mostly silent through the whole trip. All the questions and assumptions I had been mulling over swirled through my head as I stared out the window at the darkening scenery. Holden was patient. He gave me the quiet time that I needed. We only spoke when necessary.

The weather was really bad, ice covering the interstate by the time we got halfway there, so we stopped over at a motel for the night. Normally we would take full advantage of having a giant king size bed all to ourselves. (Normally we sleep on a full, which is perfectly adequate but certainly not as fun.) But I was still way too withdrawn and Holden was too tense from the road conditions to feel “cuddly.”

In the morning we got back on the road and while we were in better spirits, I was still consumed by my apprehension about what this trip with friends would reveal about my husband. The big event was to be a party at my best friend’s apartment. When we arrived in the city we met up with a couple of friends at a favorite restaurant and had lunch. After lunch, I went back to my best friend’s apartment with him to help clean up and get ready for the party. Holden went by himself to visit another friend who was packing to move. I took the opportunity of being alone with my best friend to finally talk to somebody about what Holden and I had been going through the past few months. Poor guy, I really blindsided him, but he handled it well and was just as supportive and caring as I needed. He’s really close to Holden as well, so I did my best not to paint Holden in too bad a light. When evening came, the guests started arriving and the party began. While I had been wallowing in that hotel room I decided that I would learn a lot from how Holden behaved at this party. Almost all the girls he told me he was interested in were there, and since he’d been away from all our friends for so long, I knew he would be feeling deprived of not only the social contact, but also of the excitement of flirting with the girls. My plan was to keep my distance, help my friend play host, and most importantly, observe.

Our parties are very laid back. We all just sit around in the living room, munching on snacks, drinking mostly soft drinks, but the occasional alcohol, and just talk and laugh and tell stories. Usually somebody brings a group game that we can all still talk around. As soon as I returned from the kitchen with my first round of drinks for everyone, there was Holden sitting on an oversized comfy chair with one of the girls. Now, this was not unusual or inappropriate at all under normal circumstances. But in the state that my mind was in that night, I saw everything he did as lascivious and deceitful. I logged it away in my mind. Later on as people were up and about, leaving some seats open on the couch, Holden went to sit down next to another female friend of ours. She was on one end of the couch, and rather than sit near her but still give her some space, Holden sat close to her on the couch and leaned back so his shoulders rested partially on her chest and his head was tipped back on her shoulder. Again, normally this wouldn’t bother me! I love that we are close enough to these friends to be so comfortable. But my wounded mind added another tick to my chart. As the night went on, I sank deeper and deeper into myself and thoughts ran through my mind: Is this what it looks like when a marriage is ending? I can’t believe I’m watching my marriage crumble from the inside.

The party wound down and I helped our gracious host clean up. Holden had been pretty tired from driving so he was already asleep on the only couch. My friend brought out his sleeping bag and I made myself a little bed on the floor. In the dark stillness, alone with my thoughts, I couldn’t sleep a wink even though I was so exhausted. I pleaded with my brain to come up with something better. I prayed to God to please let it not be true. I begged my psyche to just let go for a few hours so I could sleep. I was torn apart and desperate inside and I just couldn’t hold the tears in any longer. When I could hear my friend quietly snoring in the other room, I finally let myself weep. It was the silent wailing cry of mourning for all the beautiful love I now feared was all a lie, and for the dreams and plans I had made that were based on the dependability of my husband. I buried my head in the sleeping bag and pressed the pillow to my face and sobbed and sobbed. I felt I was going to lose everything and while mostly I felt it was all because of Holden, some part of me was angry at myself for not being what Holden needed in the first place. I went through the problem in my head over and over, each time hoping for a different solution. But the only solution I could find was one in which I was going to lose Holden, either through divorce or through emotional resentment.

My crying woke Holden up and in a hushed voice I confronted him about how insensitive he had been to be so affectionate with our friends at the party, knowing how insecure and scared I was feeling. He was still half asleep, but woke up enough to get defensive. Finally, I brought up the idea of a trial separation. All the while, I couldn’t believe I was actually saying the things that I was. But Holden was so tired that he asked if we could put things on hold for the night and talk more calmly in the daylight. I stopped talking, but I couldn’t stop crying. Around five in the morning, just as the sky outside was starting to brighten, my body collapsed into sleep.

The phone rang a couple of times around eight o’clock, but my friend and Holden both stayed in bed. I got up and took a long shower. I hoped it would help me feel better, but my body felt just as raw as it had the night before. I got dressed and quietly started washing the dishes from the party. My friend woke up and took his turn in the shower while I was finishing the dishes. When I started packing up our things Holden got up and went to take his shower. My friend could tell I wasn’t doing very well and when I told him how much Holden’s behavior at the party had upset me, I broke down again. I rarely cry openly in front of anyone other than Holden or my parents. My friend brought me the Kleenex box and sat with his arm around me while I embarrassedly told him through sobs about how things had only gotten worse since last night and that I was more scared than ever of losing Holden. “It hurts,” I cried, “It hurts so badly because I love him so much. He is everything to me. How can he not see how badly this hurts?”

I pulled myself together again before Holden came out of the bathroom. It would have been too much for me to have made a scene in front of them both like that. Normally we would have stayed to chat a bit, but as soon as Holden had packed up his things, I hugged my friend goodbye and started loading our things into the car.

Once we were safely out of the city and onto the open highway, I confronted Holden again. I felt like he wasn’t telling me everything, that if he expected me to understand how he felt, he’d better damn well tell me all of it, and by that I meant details. I felt like I didn’t even know him anymore and to get inside his head I wanted him to describe in detail what exactly he wanted to do with these other girls, my friends. He was very hesitant to answer me. This pissed me off because I felt like he was holding back, so I got aggressive. “Come on, now. Let’s start with a list, a complete list of girls that you would want to enter into a relationship with outside our marriage.” Holden protested that he didn’t want any relationships to be exclusively outside our marriage, but I didn’t really hear that. Instead I started listing my female friends, one by one, turning them from friends into rivals. Holden grimaced in the driver’s seat. I thought it was out of guilt, so I kept going. “Ok, so now that we have our list, let’s go through each one and you can tell me what you find attractive about her. How does she turn you on?” I paused expectantly. Again, he balked. I carried on in a sing-song, matter-of-fact voice, “No, come on now, if we’re going to be honest, let’s be honest. If you and I are going to have open communication, it’s gotta be WIDE open, so come on. With her I think you probably like her attitude, she’s probably an excellent tease. That’s gotta be hot, right?” Holden nodded, looking sick to his stomach. “Good, and she sure filled out that sweater nicely, didn’t she? I think I heard you compliment her sweater, didn’t you?” Holden agreed. I continued. “Ok, so next in the list. I know, with her it’s all about the eyes, isn’t it?” He nodded weakly. “Is that all?” I was determined to get him to say it, to force him to tell me to my face why he wanted these other girls, so that he could SEE with his own eyes the pain it caused me. “Come on, tell me what else.” If he was going to hurt me like this, then he was going to have to actually SEE the pain and anger in my eyes. I likened it to how it would be if he was killing me. So far it was as if he was doing it from a distance, by poison or with a gun. But if he was really going to kill me emotionally, I would make it so he would have to do it up close and personal, with a knife while I looked him square in the eyes.

“Stop it, Grace, this isn’t really what you want.”

“Yes it is!” I screamed. “If I am going to lose my husband whom I love more than any person should reasonably love anything, I am going to know exactly what I am losing him to and why! If you insist this is really what you want, what you NEED to feel like you’re being true to yourself, then the least you can do is tell me the whole truth, not some sugar coated bullshit about how you love me but you love them too. Well that’s just great, but what am I supposed to do when you’re out dating and fucking other women? Stay at home, cook your meals, and settle for sloppy seconds when you can’t get another date? And then hope and pray I’m not going to catch some disease? How do I know you won’t fall in love with one of these girls so deeply that you’ll want to leave me for her? How am I supposed to keep up with three or four different girls? How can I possibly compete? If you’re off getting all sexually satisfied with them, what’s left for me when you come home? What kind of pathetic existence do you expect me to lead being nothing but your live-in maid who also happens to pay part of the bills? I can’t do that. I can’t live like that. I could try. I would try for you if you asked me to. But I can tell you right now that it wouldn’t last. I would lose all respect for you, and I can’t be married to someone I don’t respect. I need to know BEFORE we have any children because if I’m going to end our marriage, I’d definitely want it to happen before we have any kids.”

“But Grace, this isn’t something I want just for me. This is something I want for us.”

“For US? What could POSSIBLY be in this for me? I’d get to go out on dates with you and another girl and watch you make eyes at each other all evening? No thank you! I can do that now! I did that last night in fact!”

“No, Grace, I keep saying this, but you don’t seem to be getting it. I want YOU. I’ve always wanted you. And I know this is hard to understand, and I know you’re really scared by all of this, believe me, I’m scared too. But the point is, I want you to be involved in everything. Just like I’m hoping this will enrich my life, I want it to enrich your life too. I want it to give you new kinds of joy and even pleasure, sexual pleasure, that I can’t give you alone. I don’t want to just go out and start dating and sleeping with friends and leave you behind. I want us to experience that together. I want you to explore what you really want too and bring that into our relationship. I guess what I’m trying to get across to you is that this isn’t me wanting something outside our relationship, this is something I want to add to our relationship. But none of that can be satisfying to me unless it includes you. You are the most important part of all of this. I love you, Grace, and I wouldn’t ask you for this unless I thought it could be good for both of us.”

I could feel my anger starting to subside. “You really mean that, don’t you.” Holden nodded and smiled as he reached over and squeezed my hand. I was quiet for a long time, I just sat there holding his hand and looking out the window. Could it be possible for me to be like that? Could I ever be that open and still feel secure? I’ve always accepted and supported other people’s different ways of living and loving, but it’s always been other people. I’ve always felt secure in my own decision of how to live my life and be married and love my husband. How much could I question that without completely betraying who I am inside? How do I figure out what I can and cannot change about myself? Who am I anyway?

As we drove quietly on toward home I sank deeper and deeper into my seat and deeper into my thoughts until my head was resting on the window and my mind had drifted off to sleep.

After a while, I started to wake up, but lingered in that half-sleep half-waking limbo, though to Holden I still looked like I was asleep. The same questions that had been running through my head before I fell asleep were still there, only now, little wisps of answers were beginning to form after them. My thoughts started to feel more like a negotiation than a battle of good vs. evil. Words like “maybe” and “possibly” and “bisexual” wafted around in my brain. Questions changed from “Could I, yes or no” to “What would it feel like if…” I awoke with an entirely new perspective. I felt like a whole new woman. I had not made any decisions yet and I still didn’t know the answers to most of my questions but I felt like I could at least start asking the right questions.

The enormous weight I had been carrying was suddenly lifted. I felt the corners of my mouth turn up in a genuine smile for the first time in days. And the rawness I had felt in every nerve in my body had filtered down and gathered into one tight little knot right between my legs.

Holden’s hand was still resting warmly on my knee. I stirred in waking and he gently massaged my leg in a loving, reassuring way. I smiled up at him as I pulled my coat down from behind the back of my seat and draped it over my lap and his hand. Rocketing down the interstate at 80mph Holden didn’t take the time to be surprised at my sudden lust for his hand and his cock. As the sun began to set and I was restfully snuggling against his shoulder, he said to me, “I would never, ever let you go,” and now I knew how true that was.

-Grace

Part 2: The meltdown.

I brought up every point of resistance I could think of and in my panic I wasn’t actually hearing a lot of what Holden said. No matter what he said, all I could hear was “I want to have other partners. I want you to have other partners. I want to share sexual experiences with more than just us.” And in my mind this turned into “I want to have other relationships, date other women besides you. I want to have you here as my wife, steady and dependable and loving, while I go out at night with other women and spend our money on dates and hotel rooms and stuff.” I struggled with the idea of commitment. “Why did you even marry me if you wanted to have other relationships? You KNEW I wanted monogamy. Why didn’t you tell me about this BEFORE we got married?” I felt offended that after all I had sacrificed and how much I fought with my family over our relationship that he wanted to reduce my relationship with him to “one of many.” “What do you MEAN you love your friends much the same way you love me?! What, so that makes me little more than your friend?! I’m your WIFE!!!”

I worked myself into such a frenzy that I took a couple of days off work. Having the time to calm down a bit, I thought long and hard about what this could possibly mean to our marriage and worked out a few scenarios. I had a million questions. How big a part of his personality was this? Couldn’t he just feel that way but choose not to act on it? What was so wrong with just being friends with these people? If it did turn out to be something so ingrained in his psyche, could I expect him to stay monogamous? If I asked him to, he probably would, but would he resent me in a few years? We’ve always talked about these kinds of things up front, holding nothing back, even knowing it might hurt. But if he felt like he couldn’t talk to me and get my permission would he take it “underground” and cheat on me behind my back? What would life be like if I DID agree to let him take other lovers? Would he want to spend time with them when he’s normally spending time with me? Would he be there for me as dependably as he has always been? If I’m in an accident, will I know how to contact him for help, and would he come to help me? Who would these other women be? How could I know he was being safe? Would I have to require that he get a new STD test after every encounter with another woman? I’d want him to. Even if they’re women I know, you don’t always know what they’re carrying. Could I trust him to use a condom? A dental dam? A female condom? EVERY TIME??? And what happens when we have kids?! *twitch* *twitch* *BOOM* (My head asplode.)

I started writing down my options as I saw them at that point:

Option 1: I could take a hardline approach, put my foot down, and say he has to honor the original agreement. Absolutely nothing extramarital allowed. I would have to assert the ultimatum that he’d lose me entirely if he did have an affair - and I’d have to be willing to stand by that. Even after we’ve had children. All the while I was contemplating this option, I was asking myself, “Could I really be considering ending my marriage?”

Option 2: I could take a hardline approach to safety. Lay down ground rules that would give me control over the whole situation. I mean every aspect. Here would be the rules:

1. Sexual encounters he has with other women would happen in my house while I am present in another room.
2. He and his partner must provide results of an HIV/AIDS/STD test to me in person. The female participant must also show me proof of continued use of birth control pills or other chemical contraception.
3. A female condom must be used for all penetration.
4. A dental dam must be used for all cunnilingus.
5. A male condom must be used for fellatio.
6. He is only allowed to orgasm into a condom - nowhere else.
7. She will be required to take the morning after pill under my supervision.
8. They will be responsible for washing all bed linens and remaking the bed to exactly as it was before the encounter.

Oh who am I kidding? There’s no way that would possibly work. Wait… ah, sabotage!!!

No. Well… no.

I CAN’T BELIEVE I CAN EVEN BE CONSIDERING “GRANTING PERMISSION” FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS!!! Any other woman would kick him to the curb!

Neither Option 1 nor Option 2 were really viable options.

I came up with a third option when I started thinking that things don’t necessarily have to be so absolute. I started to consider a temporary separation. Let him understand how serious I am and how much he stands to lose. Let him weigh the options and make his decision. Let him suffer a little the way he’s making me suffer right now. I have no intention of being a doormat. He’s going to have to understand that this could end us once and for all.

What would happen if we were temporarily separated? Would I give him a free pass to go “get it out of his sytem?” Would I set a time frame for it or just say “come back when you’re ready to be married?” And actually I would probably be the one leaving because he would have to stay at his job.

The timing of all this drama was especially bad because we had been planning a trip to see all our friends over the weekend. Great, now not only would I have to suck it up and put on a brave face, but I’d also be analyzing every move, every look, every giggle exchanged between Holden and our female friends.

Stay tuned for part 3: the trip to the city.

If this were a play, there would be characters. So far it’s been a one-woman show, but we’re about to become a small company. Enter stage left (WAY left): my husband. We’ll call him Holden.

Holden attributes much of his personality to two things: being born under the sign of Leo, and the flair for the dramatic expressed by his mother, with whom he’s very close. As a Leo, he thrives on being the center of attention, running things from the inside, and being a catalyst to social activities. He does all this in a loving, caring way and usually jumps to the aid of any friend in need of counsel. He acknowledges that he plays shrink with our friends, and for the most part they love him all the more for it. He’s fiercely loyal and doesn’t give a second thought to sacrificing his time, sharing his home, and making sure everyone is taken care of. In addition to all these wonderful qualities, he’s also tall, athletic, gregarious, and funny, all of which make him very popular among his peers, and definitely attractive to women. He has always loved the boost to his ego that comes from getting attention from cute girls. Anybody would, but to his Leo-driven personality, it’s like a drug. Pair that with his open and all-embracing attitude toward sex in general (thanks to his feminist mom, whom I strive to be like when I grow up) and you’ve got a potent package of male sexual energy.

I’ve always known how much he loves to flirt and once I got comfortable with the idea of harmless flirting, it didn’t bother me. I enjoy having that freedom myself. Most of the time the women he flirts with are my friends as well as his and I trust them not to be inappropriate. Holden rarely flirts with strangers. It’s mostly his own way of being affectionate with his already established friends, which is another reason I feel like I can trust him.

As much as I trust him now, though, it hasn’t always been so easy. I’ve got a lot of insecurity when it comes to relationships and I’ll describe that more later.

You’ll get to know Holden a lot better as you read on. He may even make a guest appearance here from time to time to tell you in his own words how he’s doing.

Break a leg, darling!

-Grace

To start off with, here’s a little background information about me and my life as it currently stands:

I am a twenty-something college graduate living in a small town in the Midwest. I’ve been married just over three years, and quite happily so. I met my husband during our freshman year of college, we lived together for three years before getting married, and we’ve never felt stronger together.

I have always been monogamous and have always taken monogamy for granted as the most fundamental element of a marriage. Marriage = monogamy. Simple, to the point, and thusfar in my mind, unbreakable. If you don’t want to be monogamous, don’t get married. I was raised Catholic, for crying out loud, and Holy Mother Church does not accept anything but full and utter devotion, to God, to the Church, and to each other in Holy Matrimony. I never had a reason to think otherwise.

That was before I found out that my wonderful husband, whom I love extraordinarily, desires, and has desired for a long time, a polyamorous relationship. He is by nature a polyamorous person and wishes to explore that part of his life.

Now, I’m sure a lot of you would say in your best Wanda Sykes voice, “Girl, if you ain’t enough for him then he ain’t enough for you. Dump his ass to the curb and find you a man who’ll RESPECT you for the queen that you are!” That was indeed my initial reaction. (Sans the Wanda Sykes attitude; sadly, I’m just too white to pull that off.) But after a lot of struggling over the problem, a lot of crying, and a lot of heavy discussions with my husband, I decided that our marriage was the most important thing in my life and that I needed to look at all possible scenarios before choosing to end it. I also felt that if it was important enough to my husband that he would bring this to me and want to include me in his decision, the least I could do was to look at the subject honestly and understand where he was coming from. This was clearly a huge challenge for him as well as for me, so we both agreed to stick together and figure out what to do next.

I’ll discuss more details about our past, other challenges in our lives, and personal challenges that I’m faced with a little later. Like I said before, I’ll try not to ramble, but I’ve got a lot to get down here, so do your best to keep up and raise your hand if I’m going too fast.

-Grace

Welcome to my blog!

I’ve always found introductions a little awkward, so I’ll jump right in. The purpose of this blog is to document my experience as a monogamous woman as I explore the world of polyamorous relationships.

I have never been in a polyamorous relationship. In fact, I just learned last week that there was a word “polyamorous.” It’s a very new subject to me, but recent developments in my life have led me to seek the answer to this question:

Can I change from monogamous to polyamorous?

I don’t know the answer yet, but you’ll get to come along with me as I explore, observe, and experience the world of polyamorous relationships. I promise I’ll try not to ramble too much, but I can’t promise that things won’t get a little messy. This is going to be a very emotional, very challenging, and hopefully very enriching journey, and however I come out on the other end, I’ll know I’ve made a decision that is informed by my head and my heart.

-Grace