Feeling badly represented in literature

A couple weeks ago I picked up The Literary Companion to Sex. I felt it would be a fun cross between my erotica browsing efforts and my college degree.  I finally flipped it open the other day. The book is arranged as short snippets of sections from important works of literature that deal with sex. It starts in the ancient world with the Bible and important Greek and Roman writers and progresses forward through history.

I started to get really depressed when I realized that most of the stories that weren’t sophomoric bawdy jokes were about someone finding intense pleasure from having sex with someone he/she was not supposed to be having sex with. Now, don’t get me wrong, I get that that’s a pretty potent fantasy and a real kicker in reality. But it was discouraging that THIS was the way “exciting” sex has been portrayed through literary history.

What bothered me about it was not the fact that the already espoused person was seeking sex outside his/her marriage, but that the stories made the cuckolded spouse out to be, well, a cuckold! He/she was either dull or sexually deficient, which caused the cheating spouse to seek more diverting company, or terribly oppressive, which drove the philanderer into more loving and accepting arms. That is, if he/she is even mentioned at all!

Thing is, if I were to try and relate any of these stories to my situation, I’m presumably in the role of the dull/oppressive/deficient spouse sitting at home while my dallying husband goes off to seek greener pastures.

What depressed me about it even more was that because this is the standard for literature through the ages, readers respond to this either pitiable or hated character and then apply the same response to monogamous partners of polyamorous spouses. If people aren’t pitying us for being the victims of an inconsiderate spouse, they’re blaming us and saying we must not have sweet enough honey to keep the bee at home.

Where’s the literature that shows a strong, honest couple whose relationship allows for exciting variety in the marriage?  Where’s the story about a person being empowered and defeating insecurity in the process of sharing his/her spouse with another? Where’s the story of the mono-partnered spouse getting turned on by his/her partner’s extra-marital adventures?

I refuse to be associated with the soggy Charles Bovary or the bitter soul-killing spouse in Written on the Body.

I am a passionate, vibrant, sensual person who is adored by my spouse, dammit! Oh I have room to grow and challenges to overcome, but our story is not one of escape and deceit and resignation. It is full of passion in all directions. It is built on a strong foundation, nearly 10 years’ worth of sexual energy between us that is still expanding to include more diverse interests. Holden did not go seeking a mistress because his passion for me had fizzled out. He did it in part to flare up the passion he already felt for me.

Right now I feel kind of alone in this. I feel like my story is lonely among the conventional love stories of our culture. One of my greatest fears is that while I didn’t start out like those characters I pity and despise and yet sympathize with, that I will become one of them, that I’m on my way there already and just don’t know it yet.

I guess that’s all the more reason to make sure I stay strong and vibrant and passionate. Being able to see what I don’t want for myself is an excellent motivator toward becoming what I do want.

And in the meantime, if you know of any stories, movies, or plays that present a spouse who shares his/her partner with other lovers and maintains the strength and love of the original relationship, please PLEASE share it with me here, either in a comment below or via email at monopolyblog@gmail.com.

-Grace

Taking a step out into the light.

Holden and I have taken the process of coming out as poly to our friends very slowly and carefully. It took me a long time to dispel my fear of being out. A lot of that fear had to do with my own personal confidence in the poly lifestyle and how ready I felt to discuss it in a positive way. When things were hard for me with poly, even though I was fully dedicated to sticking with it and working with Holden through all of the problems, I didn’t really want to discuss it with new people. I didn’t want my tone of voice or reticence about certain topics to make it seem like I was being dragged along or victimized in all this. That’s on top of the very real fear of word getting back to my tight-knit traditional Catholic family whom I love very deeply and need to hide this from in order to keep that connection. (It’s something Holden and I have discussed at length and that we agree is a sad but necessary sacrifice.)

But I’ve got my confidence back and I’ve spent the time between then and now thinking deeply about the relationships I have with these friends and how close and trusting we are of each other. There is definitely a list of “approved” and “not approved” people between Holden and myself that we review with each other every so often.

We are not the only ones involved in this decision, though. While Holden’s girlfriend’s husband is not ready to be out and understandably wants control of that aspect of his life, we have an arrangement that lets me and Holden be honest with our friends, but maintains that boundary. Holden and I may out ourselves and speak honestly about Holden being involved with someone, but the specifics about who he’s involved with have to stay hidden. That way we can out ourselves and not out the other couple without their permission.

Such was the case at a social gathering this weekend. The conversation turned to relationship issues and as I looked around I noticed that the people we were with who didn’t already know about us were on the approved list Holden and I had discussed.  We just hadn’t gotten around to bringing it up with them yet.  Just for clarity’s sake, Holden and I have a sort of “need to know” attitude about this with our friends. If it comes up and is relevant to whatever is going on, then that’s a time to mention that we’re poly. If circumstances called for it, a “sit down, lets talk about something” kind of discussion could happen but that didn’t seem terribly likely.

Anyway, as the discussion progressed, I felt really comfortable at that moment allowing ourselves to be included in the conversation as people with open marriage experience. This comfort was made easier by the fact that two other people there had already either identified themselves openly as polyamorous or as having friends who are. That combined with the comfort level I felt with the rest of the people involved made it pretty easy to get an okay from Holden and give him my okay that we could be fully honest with this group.

It felt great to talk openly about our philosophy and what open marriage is like. Our friends had a couple of questions, as we expected, but the whole experience was super comfortable and while I still felt a little nervous, it felt very liberating as well.  Most importantly, I felt really loved and accepted by my friends. That was the best feeling of all.

According to the agreed-upon process, Holden notified the other couple the next morning of who we’d come out to and under what circumstances. And overall I feel good about it. I’m still having to take a few deep breaths to calm myself, but that’s to be expected with any big step out of a comfort zone.

And now I’m off to bask in the memory of that love and acceptance.

-Grace

Grace and Holden on Twitter!

I forgot to mention a while back that Holden and I are now posting on Twitter about poly related topics, as well as general  stuff.

Grace McCabe: http://twitter.com/monopolyblog

Holden McCabe:  http://twitter.com/Holdenspoly

Hope to connect with some more of you via Twitter! 

-Grace

Reclaiming Erotica: an update

So, I had this goal to reclaim some of the erotica that had been spoiled by the unfortunate circumstances of a falling out with a potential lover.

My first try was going to be the book Written on the Body, which is beautifully written and very evocative in its language, while not actually being very smutty.

I picked it up and started reading and then realized that this was not a story I could relate to. The clandestine lovers each have a partner they’re unhappy with and their primary partners each lash out and throw fits about the extra relationship. The paramours react to this anger with a superior sniff as if to say, “Our firey, consuming love transcends these mundane complaints of yours, you dull gray nothings. We shall continue, and to hell with you all.”

Well, that set my teeth on edge for a plethora of reasons, and I chose not to continue with that book.

Meanwhile, Holden has come across a similar problem. He was trying to enjoy some audio recordings of the magnificent Violet Blue reading erotic stories. However, one of the stories was a little too close to situations he had been hoping for in real life and the reminder of the loss of those possibilities spoiled the enjoyment for him. He got quite frustrated that real life situations had ruined what had been a delightful and enriching fantasy for him. So it seems I’m not the only one struggling to reclaim the freedom to be turned on by what actually turns me on the most.

There is an erotic story involving several elements of erotica Holden and I both enjoy (vampires, group sex, dorms/university life) on Literotica.com that Holden has read and wants to share with me. He actually brought it to me almost a year ago when things for the three of us (him, me, and his girlfriend) were still a burgeoning possibility but other projects and things got in the way of my finishing it.  I have read a couple of chapters and enjoyed what I saw. He has said there are some situations later in the story that come close to things that would be sensitive topics now, but it’s one we are going to read together. We’ll see how far we can get and explore our reactions to it.  I’m feeling rather defiant and determined to enjoy this despite the baggage attached, so maybe that defiance will carry me through.

The whole erotica thing is a little bit on the back burner right now as other things take priority, but it’s still in process.

-Grace

I’ve found my feet on solid ground.

I’ve been getting so much great encouragement from you wonderful readers. If I haven’t responded to your comment personally, please know that I have read it and it has given me great comfort.

These past weeks have been a sort of reset period for me. Things have gotten to a point of stability and relative comfort and that’s given me a chance to step back from everything and reassess what I’m feeling, what I want, and how I want all of this to work for me as well as for Holden.

Some things I’ve reaffirmed for myself:

1. My commitment to sharing a polyamorous lifestyle with Holden.
2. Life is fluid and I can flow with it without being drowned by it.

Next, some areas I’ve grown and can continue to grow:

1. My ability to define what’s right and feels good for me and stand up for my right to have/seek those things.
2. A better understanding of my chronic depression (and the ability to even say “chronic depression” out loud to someone other than Holden)

In general terms, here is the current status of where everything stands, as I see it:

Holden and I are strong in our bond and our commitment to each other. Our connection has been severely tested recently.   But even at the worst, most desperate times in all this we’ve maintained a deep rooted desire for each other, be it in the role of lover, comforter, caretaker, listener, cheerleader, or distraction. No matter what was going on or how angry we were at each other, that core element never wavered.

I have come to a stable position of being happy in my monogamous commitment to Holden. While I genuinely wanted to be poly and have relationships with other people (two in particular) beyond my marriage, I have to admit that there was a part of me that was doing it for Holden’s sake. Now that I’ve stepped back and examined everything more carefully I can see that any desire to enter into a polyamorous relationship needs to come entirely from me. Feeling like I should do something because someone else wants it for me, or doing it because I want to prove something to someone are now major red flags for me.  For right now I am happy being monogamous with Holden. That doesn’t mean I won’t want a polyamorous relationship someday, but I’ve got so much to work on to make myself strong that it’ll be a while before I feel ready for another relationship. And that’s okay. I don’t have to feel guilty because I’ve chosen NOT to be poly. I haven’t let Holden down by not trying hard enough or not being brave enough. This is my choice and it feels good and right and solid. And that’s enough.

As for Holden’s relationship with his girlfriend, I am accepting of it. Because of the tension and emotional baggage now attached to her, however, my acceptance only extends to a certain point. It is a passive acceptance, not an embrace. I have gotten to a point that it doesn’t make me hurt, angry, or upset that Holden is dating her, is in love with her, and wants to spend time with her. It does sometimes make me sad when he spends an evening with her.  But that’s not a severe or unexpected reaction and I’m actually kind of proud that I’ve learned to handle it so well.  There is a line, however, that I’m not yet ready to blur. Right now, Holden’s romantic relationship with his girlfriend is completely separate from me and my life. I prefer it that way for a lot of reasons. However, that need of mine does create some inconveniences for the logistics of their relationship and some emotional strife for Holden. I’m taking steps to get more comfortable in areas surrounding that so hopefully with a little more time and patience, I can be more flexible.

So yeah, in general things on my end of the situation seem to be leveling out. I still have a lot of work to do, but at least I feel like I’m standing on firmer ground to do it.

As always thanks for all the support and input. I love hearing from you whether it’s through a comment on this blog or an email at monopolyblog@gmail.com.

-Grace

False positives revealed?

As I’ve been thinking back about my feelings over the past year, and the so called achievements I made in personal growth, I’ve had to confront the fact that many of the signs that I was learning to overcome my jealousy were not really there at all.

It’s been hard to admit to myself but the times I thought I was feeling compersion or at the very least feeling happy that things were working out for Holden and his girlfriend were really based on my own insecurities being placated, not out of a mature sense of relationship freedom.  For a long time Holden’s girlfriend said or implied that she wanted some form of relationship with me as well as Holden; that she wanted more than friendship with me, whatever shape we decided that would take.  I was very confused about my feelings and admittedly made it difficult for anything to be done about that, but the feeling of being wanted and desired was there. Looking back, I realize now that the times I thought I was feeling compersion were actually times when I felt wanted and desired by both Holden and his girlfriend. The situation had to involve her showing something for me in order for me to feel secure. Even if it was just that she wanted me there as a friend and wanted me involved in whatever they were doing socially, that made a difference. Though, those weren’t quite as powerful as the times when she showed me how much she desired me sexually.  Holden, meanwhile, has always made me feel desired and wanted, and he was very keen on the idea of having me fully involved in the relationship with his girlfriend, to whatever level we wanted to take that.  He frequently said that even when he and his girlfriend were sharing something special, he had a feeling of wanting me there too. He didn’t want to be with her to the exclusion of me. He wanted us both there and involved at the same time. That’s impossible now, because she decided she doesn’t want to pursue anything beyond a basic platonic friendship with me, which makes it very hard to think of being around the two of them. Holden would be able to be affectionate and flirtatious with her, or with me, but not both, and she and I would have to keep things on a strictly platonic non-sexual level. Talk about awkward. I want no part of a situation in which I have to be around people being playfully sexual and flirtatious but not be allowed to participate in that.

Anyway, now that the door is closed on that possibility, I’ve been very discouraged about how difficult it is for me to feel happy for Holden. The sense that he is desired and happy and has positive experiences with her should make me happy, but instead I end up feeling left out, left behind, and inadequate, all of which stir up the self doubt that grips me.

There are many complex issues involved here, but the simplified version is that before, I thought this extra relationship was something for me as well as for Holden.  Now that it’s just for Holden I can’t seem to bring myself to be happy with it, or sometimes even tolerate it.

Right now I’m at a loss for how to become happy about it.  I’m feeling so far away from compersion that it doesn’t even feel possible right now.  I keep looking at the situation and trying to see how I can rationalize it to myself that I should be happy for Holden and that this whole setup has benefits for everyone, not just those directly involved.

The ideal I’m trying to reach is this: to feel genuine compersion for Holden, to feel selfless joy at seeing him happy, without requiring the situation to directly benefit me.

That’s feeling somewhat unattainable at the moment, so the mid-range goal I have in the meantime is just to feel okay with Holden’s relationship and not feel slighted or robbed of time and intimacy with him. I want to get my insecurities under control so I don’t feel threatened and panicky every time they spend time together.

There’s a lot that goes into the background of all of that. But realizing that I was wrong when I thought I was doing so well at accepting everything has shown me just how much further I have to go in my personal development to be able to have a successful and satisfying relationship with my husband.

It’s going to be a long hard slog. I’ll do my best to write about it all here.

-Grace

Idea for reclaiming erotica for myself

I could try to re-attach the erotic stories and other gifts I got from someone who hurt me to someone I know I can trust, someone who loves me as much as I love them.

There’s a book called Written on the Body (by Jeanette Winterson) that was given to me by Holden’s girlfriend. She gave it to me in what I enterpreted to be the spirit of enjoying turning me on and hoping to entice me to do more with her. I thoroughly enjoyed the book in that spirit and if her intention was to get me to imagine her and me in the characters in that book, then mischief managed. It really fueled the fantasy fire I was building about her.

Since she closed the door on having a relationship with me I haven’t been able to bring myself to open the book again. I’m reluctant to lose the pleasure I got from the book on account of its attachment to her, however.

Holden, meanwhile, loves me to read erotica aloud to him. Perhaps if I start the book over and read it aloud to Holden I’ll be able to overwrite the images of his girlfriend with new images of him and me. This book might be uniquely suited for this because the narrator is purposely ambiguous in gender.

This will be an interesting experiment in psychology. Can a leopard change her spots AND her mental response to specific stimuli?

I’ll report on the results.

-Grace

Reclaiming Fantasies

I have experienced something sad and frustrating in the past few months.  Let me try and describe what happened and then you’ll see my problem.

A couple of years ago, Holden encouraged me to start sharing my fantasies with him.  It took a lot of hard work for me, mentally, to learn how to bring this very private part of my psyche to the forefront and put my secret desires to words for him, or even myself.  I hadn’t even really brought myself to write about them in my journal, so saying them out loud was a huge challenge, and still is sometimes.

As part of that successful and fruitful work, I also started exploring aspects of my sexuality more deeply.  This included reading erotica, viewing porn movies and clips, and developing visualizations with Holden about what images I was thinking of that turned me on.  I found I enjoyed a lot of those things associated with women, lesbian sex, and bisexuality with threesomes and foursomes.  I embraced those aspects of my fantasy life and found that I most enjoyed the ones that had to do with women and Holden was supportive and eager to have that aspect of my sexuality enhance our experiences together.

Fast forward to the beginning of last year when Holden started a relationship with someone I was already attracted to.  The three of us entertained various ideas of there being something more physical between her and me, or including her in my lovemaking with Holden somehow.  As things progressed, she even wove detailed erotic fantasies with me, blowing open my erotic imagination and giving me a face to put on the fantasies I’d enjoyed so well. She took hold of my already budding fantasy life and made it blossom into something even more satisfying and exciting, gave me new erotica to read (specifically involving women making love), and pointed me toward movies that involved erotic scenes between women. We even began discussions about what it would take to make my fantasies about making love with a woman a reality, and were talking about specific things we’d like to do with each other.

But then things went sour. She withdrew her offer of physical exploration with me and closed the door on ever having a sexual relationship.  She and Holden would keep their fully sexual relationship going, however.  Amongst all the hurt and confusion I’ve dealt with since her decision, I’ve discovered this new problem: I can’t untether the most satisfying area of my sexual fantasies from this person I was terribly hurt by.  The fantasies and erotica I enjoyed the most even before this person entered my life were to do with women.  And now every time I read something about two women making love, I see her.

I’ve desperately tried to erase any sexual feeling about her from my mind because I don’t want to torture myself while Holden gets to have the sexual relationship I wanted with her.  But now I’m finding that the most satisfying erotica brings images and thoughts of her right to the forefront of my mind again.  It’s driving me crazy and it’s making me sad and angry that the hard-won full fantasy life that I was discovering for myself was hijacked by this person who I’m not allowed to feel things for anymore.

I’m trying to expand the scope of my fantasies to focus on other aspects of erotica that have excited me that don’t necessarily involve woman-on-woman aspects. My hope is that with time, those residual feelings for her will fade and I’ll be able to enjoy the fantasies for their own sake again, and not associate them with her.

Have any of you dealt with this before?  Do you have any strategies I can use to reclaim the rich fantasy life I built for myself and then foolishly lost by attaching it to someone else?

I’d love to hear from you. Leave me a comment below or email me at monopolyblog@gmail.com.

-Grace

Feeling Abundance

Something I’ve learned about myself is that I need to feel like my life with Holden is abundant and full and happy in order to feel okay about his secondary relationship. There have been times in the past couple of months when I felt like sharing him was taking something away from me or our marriage. Those times felt like something was scarce and valuable and I was reluctant to share him with anyone else fot fear I’d be getting less of what I need or desire. But when I feel like our marriage is strong and that I have everything I need and more, I feel like I have it to spare to give them an evening together.  I feel like there’s no way this secondary relationship would be a threat because look how good Holden’s primary relationship is with me.

I realize in saying that that it’s actually a rather insecure attitude to have.  It smacks of a need to be propped up and I should be secure enough and confident enough to not need to feel like our relationship is superior.  Or rather, that I shouldn’t need to be reminded of it all the time.

But I’m not that evolved, it seems.  Maybe I’ll get there someday.

What is positive about this, though, is that I can ask Holden to help remind me of how important our marriage is and why ours is the primary relationship.  It’s not just a matter of years, though that’s a simple way of putting it.  When I’m feeling down and insecure it does help to hear it from him that I’m his wife and his primary partner not just because we’ve been together so long, but because we’re the best fit for each other in those ways.  I like to be able to give him concrete things he can do to help me feel secure, and that’s a good one.

Meanwhile, look forward to a post about fantasies and erotica; specifically, how to reclaim your fantasy life when the person who sparked your strongest fantasies walks away.

Not that I have any answers about that. I’m actually hoping you will, faithful readers!

-Grace

How to heal?

Sorry I’ve been away so long!  To tell the honest truth I’ve been going through some hard times that have been too hard to blog about directly.  I am still trying to heal.  Right now I’m kind of failing at healing.

I don’t have what it takes to write everything that’s happened out right now so I’ll cut to the chase.

I’m looking for responses from my readers (if I have any left) about how you heal.  What have you done in the past that has helped you heal?  Let’s start a discussion here about strategies, advice, tips, and tricks that help you get over it and move on after you’ve been hurt really badly.

Eventually I’ll work myself up to filling you in about what happened. Here’s the micro version:  Holden and I are still together and still surprisingly strong.  His relationship of about a year is also still intact. The woman he’s dating thought she wanted to start something with me too.  She changed her mind. I got hurt. I’m trying to heal.

There’s so much more to it than that, but in the meantime, I’m looking forward to some more interaction here.  It’s been too long.

Peace,

Grace